I love men. I always have, but I have learned to love my relationship with God even more.From passing notes in 2nd grade, to wearing matching jeans with a boyfriend in 3rd grade, to lying to my Mother just to sneak over a boyfriend’s house: I have always liked guys. As a youngster, I recall playing ‘hide and seek’, ‘house’ or other little games that allowed inappropriate exposure for premature experimentation. This behavior was fueled by curiosity. Kids always want to do what they see the ‘grown-ups’ doing. Whether in person or on the television screen, as children growing up, we are like little sponges, absorbing appropriate as well as inappropriate information.
I recall the images from television, movies, music videos, and magazines influencing my negative behaviors even as a very young child. In retrospect, everybody was playing the ‘kissy-kissy, touchy-touchy game’ even as kids. Then when we graduated to middle school and high school, it became ‘spin the bottle’ or ‘truth or dare’. These games, by the way, were especially popular at church retreats and conferences. Scary! Thank God for the blood of Jesus, because if you were like me, you did some crazy, experimental stuff, even as a kid.
Again, I love men. There have been young men who liked me, as well as those who rejected me. I am an African-American woman, so I went through the ‘light-skin’ boy phase, the ‘dark-skin’ boy phase, the ‘preppy’ phase, the ‘athlete’ phase, the ‘rough-neck’ phase and the ‘multi-ethnic’ phase. All of these phases cycled through me, by the age of 19. There is a natural inclination for a girl to like a boy and for a boy to like a girl. Men like women and women like men. My focus is to help you develop the ability to manage these natural emotions, desires and thoughts through the assistance of the Holy Spirit and your relationship with Him. This can be easier said than done it seems, however, God has given me some practical ways in which we can stay on course with respect to ‘the opposite sex’ that we like so much. We will go over the details later on in another chapter. (Chapter 4: A Guide to Purity)
I am 29 years old, and I am a virgin (technically.) No offense intended, but I am not fat, ugly, or stupid. I write this, because one would only assume that I am still a virgin because I was never granted the golden opportunity to ‘get some’ when I was in high school, undergrad or medical school. Trust me. The opportunities have been there, in abundance, and some opportunities I have taken advantage of in the worst way. I would like to share a few stories with you throughout this book, so that you can understand more about my personal journey of sexual purity.
Unfortunately, my first real kiss occurred in my parents’ house. I successfully snuck this guy into the house while my parents were out of town and my sitter actually allowed it. (Bad sitter!) The first kiss experience was unforgettable! I had no idea what I was doing. For that reason alone, it was also very embarrassing! His tongue was in my mouth turning flips and tricks and I just sat there, clueless. It was pretty pathetic, but I was only 13 years old and I had no business kissing him in the first place. That was the first and the last time I kissed him! We often think of a kiss as something minor in comparison to sex. However kissing, rubbing, touching, humping and other things that bring about gratification prepare the body mentally and physically for the next step, which is sexual intercourse. God created this process. God created hormones and bodily secretions! This is all a part of God’s creative design of the human body and human sexuality.
One kiss today may not lead to sex today, true. But, it definitely plants seeds for a future harvest of that nature and, “God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man sows, that shall He also reap.” (Gal. 6:7) The Holy Spirit began to minister to me about a relationship I needed to sever while away in college. Although I was not technically having sexual intercourse with him, I had mastered the art of ‘feeling good’ without having sex. In other words, I would call it satisfaction without penetration. I could still walk away from his bedroom with my ‘virgin card’. Many Christians have adopted this self-destructive, hypocritical pattern. I was still out of the will of God, despite still being a ‘virgin’ by technical standards. I had twisted, distorted guidelines. As my Pastor told me, the law of diminishing returns says that “when something ceases to accomplish what you want it to accomplish, you search for more.” In other words, the kissing game grew old and boring for me with time, and a new desire to progress onward from kissing to touching, rubbing and intercourse, grew stronger. Without warning you may find yourself proceeding from one level to the next searching for more satisfaction and gratification. It is a very deceptive path into sin. I have been there!