This week the unthinkable happened when a man murdered his wife and five children and then committed suicide. The couple recently lost their jobs and in an act of desperation allegedly developed a suicide pact which resulted in the demise of the entire family. Many people are shaking their heads in absolute shock and amazement as they try to make sense of this tragedy. Regardless to what caused the couple to lose their jobs, it is believed they felt helpless and hopeless about their situation. One of the classic signs and symptoms of depression is hopelessness. It is apparent that the husband did not see any other options available to him. In my book “The Things that Make Men Cry” you will discover that men who are unable to provide for their families are at much greater risk of suffering in silence.

This tragedy helps to underscore the need for people to get help immediately when they begin to feel boxed in. Also, it is of equal importance for family members, friends, and even acquaintances to begin to recognize some of the signs that people are beginning to unravel, especially when they are faced with major losses and traumatic events. Some of the signs that people are in trouble are sadness, appetite changes, thoughts and talk about suicide, hopelessness, and irritability. People may not say they want to kill themselves or their families, but they may speak about leaving here, or begin to give away things of importance to them.  When people are depressed they may isolate themselves. Therefore,as a family member or friend, you may have to go rescue loved ones who have expressed the desire to be left alone.

What can people who are suffering in silence do? Scream out for help! Stop suffering in silence. Connect or reconnect with your spiritual source for help and strength.This includes meeting with your minister or support groups within your church, or other places of worship. Your situation may look hopeless to you, but all things are possible with God. Seek professional help when you are not thinking right, even if the professional is your primary care physician.

What can family members, friends, neighbors, churches, and communities do? When you learn that someone has lost a job, home, child, spouse, or other important person, place, or thing, reach out to that person immediately, even if they do not want you to. Don’t be a pest, but do not leave them alone either. Listen to what they are saying and if you are not sure about what they are really saying, it is probably time to get help for them. Offer to go with them to see their doctor. If they talk about harming themselves or others, call 911 immediately. It is better for your loved one to be angry with you later, than for you to live with the guilt of not saying anything. If you know your loved one has weapons or other means of harming him or herself and others, insist they remove those items or make their doctor or law enforcement aware. Pray for one another, and love unconditionally. When you know someone is in trouble, try to contact other family members and friends, and develop a schedule for checking in with them.

We are our brother and sisters’ keeper and we must do a better job of checking on one another, especially during this critical time when so many people are suffering because of a failed economy and an exhausting and devastating war. Do not judge a book by its cover and make the faulty assumption that people are incapable of doing such a thing. When people lose all hope and do not see their way out, they are capable of doing the unthinkable. This year let’s make a greater attempt to take better care of ourselves and others. You never know when someone will be writing about you or someone you know and love. If you are suffering in silence, suicide is NOT an option. Help is available so seek help NOW.

Dr. Gloria is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Upland, California. She is a frequent guest on CNN and speaks extensively throughout the world about mental health issues and strategies for hope and healing. Dr. Gloria has authored several books, including The Things that Make Men Cry, and will soon begin the Ask Dr. Gloria Road Show. Please visit www.gloriamorrow.com for a city near you.

“Living in the past may cause paralysis that may prevent one from successfully walking into the future” Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist/Author Too Broken to be Fixed? A Spiritual Guide to Inner Healing Word of Life Christian Bookstores, Los Angeles, CA Zahra’s Books & things, Inglewood, CA www.amazon.com www.gloriamorrow.com

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It is probably too early to tell the long range psychological impact of President Elect Obama’s move to the White House. But as he takes the oath to serve Americans which represent diversity at its finest, he will represent a little of all of us. His commitment to the spirit of community and collaboration that we have already witnessed has the potential to help us to heal from the negative impact of racism and discrimination that has been our most debilitating and serious disease along with its counterpart poverty. As people from diverse communities sit around the table together, there is a greater likelihood that the awareness of self and others, the commitment to eliminate the barriers that separate us, and an appreciation and celebration of our differences will occur.

Everyone, however, is still not in a good mental place. In fact, some Americans are blinded by the lethal effects of hate and fear, and because of the color of Obama’s skin, these folk may be unable to see and embrace the positive impact of his leadership. Others are fearful that harm will come to this dynamic yet approachable leader causing people to become paranoid and anxious. Some may not think he can truly relate to the civil rights struggle, which may increase feelings of doubt and worry that may be heightened by the ongoing civil rights struggle that is at risk of being forgotten. Therefore, these issues may encourage a sense of hopelessness, resulting in increased psychological distress and ultimately impairment which would be unfortunate.

At this very moment the Inauguration Committee is making the final plans for the Inauguration events where President Elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44^th President of the United States. History is in the making as the Obama family prepares to move into the White House. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to experience what it is like for this extraordinary family to stand on the steps that were built by slaves. I imagine they can still hear the sounds of the songs that sustained our ancestors as they dreamed of a day when they would be free. I believe they will think about Dr. Martin Luther King. Jr., and other Civil Rights leaders those gone and still alive, because I think this family knows that without them, this day may have come a little later in history. Perhaps they will talk to one another about their understanding of how difficult it is for people to remain hopeful when everything looks so bleak because of current conditions giving rise to their determination to work even harder to change the economic forecast.

But what about those of us who are outside the White House? How do we remain hopeful, when the potential to return to a place of despair and hopelessness is more familiar? Surely we cannot expect that President Elect Obama holds the key to our entire survival. There are, however, some things you and I can do to remain hopeful about a brighter future and the power of change:

• 1. Rely on your spiritual source for guidance and for developing a greater sense of peace and wellbeing.
• 2. Live in the moment by celebrating where we are and what has been accomplished right now.
• 3. Discuss your fears openly and honestly with healthy people you love, trust, and/or respect, but confront, correct, and/or modify maladaptive and faulty thinking.
• 4. Find a way to participate in the process of Change. Get involved by getting off the sidelines because you will feel much more empowered when you become part of the solution.
• 5. If the stress becomes too great for you to handle, do not suffer in silence. Seek the help of a mental health professional.

In closing, our new president speaks… Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Feb. 5, 2008

Dr. Gloria Morrow is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Upland, Ca. She is the author of The Things that Make Men Cry, Suffer in Silence No More, and Keeping it Real! 7 Steps Toward a Healthier You. If you have questions, feel free to Ask Dr. Gloria for answers by visiting www.gloriamorrow.com.

On January 20, 2009, President Elect Barack Obama will become the 44^th President of the United States of America. The political impact of this historic event has been thoroughly discussed and digested by the media, political analysts and people all over the world, resulting in Obama winning the confidence of the American people on election night. However, little has been discussed about the psychological impact of such an unprecedented and miraculous occurrence, the election of the first African American president of the United States of America.

All along the campaign trail before and after the Democratic National Convention as well as the actual election night, snapshots depicting the excitement of people from diverse backgrounds spoke volumes about the psychological impact of Obama’s journey to the White House. There was an overwhelming flavor of hope and empowerment throughout local communities and the world because of the promise of change. President Elect Obama ignited the fire for action as he began a movement of change.

In the midst of an economic downturn, a failed housing market, and the collapse of the stock market, the Obama campaign kept change as their victory song, and no matter where it was sung, people began to sing it, believe it, and evidentially promote and share it with others. A psychological shift happened in the thinking of the people. It was apparent that they began to believe in something greater than their current circumstances. They became motivated almost insistent on Keeping Hope Alive, a concept coined by the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Hope is critical for the development of good psychological health and overall wellbeing. Without it, people do not have the necessary motivation to fight to overcome the inevitable stressors and disappointments of life. Without hope, our communities sit in a sea of despair, and the best and brightest minds sometimes drown and take others with them. When feelings of hopelessness persist, people are much more vulnerable to the deleterious effects of depression and anxiety.

Not only does President Elect Obama’s presidency promote a sense of hope and empowerment, it also has the potential to raise the level of self esteem and self concept for the young and the old. Countless reports in the media, especially CNN have captured the essence of pride that has been exuded by school age children, adolescents, young adults, middle age adults, and our elders from all walks of life. When Black folk see a Black family residing in the house where Blacks traditionally visited or relegated to a role of serving, it does something to one’s psyche. It changes a mindset that once believed: Only White men can lead our country, therefore, white must be better. The root cause of inferiority for Blacks stems from the legacy of slavery. Even though slavery was officially abolished, its psychological impact continues to enslave Black people today, especially when we constantly compare ourselves to the dominant culture and fail to see ourselves represented in positions of power. Furthermore, increasing self-esteem and self-concept are critical for our communities because when we feel better about ourselves, we will feel better about others.

We can’t leave out the articulate and gifted Michelle Obama who is a force to be reckoned with in her own right. In the culture of women and girls, Mrs. Obama is a serious role model along with the couples’ two daughters who will bring life and culture to the White House.

End of Part 1

Over the last few years, we listened and watched with enthusiasm and hope as the new President-Elect Barack Obama introduced the concept of change into the presidential election.  It is clear that he understands that change is an essential element in reviving an America that has undergone severe trauma over the past 8 years.  If America is going to rise above its current devastating condition, a change must come.  All along the campaign trail we heard a resounding theme, YES WE CAN…  In some places we heard YES WE MUST…  But I firmly believe that before WE can make a change, you and I must make individual changes.  What is it that must change?  Our thinking! 

President-Elect Obama was not the first to promote the idea of change.  Martin Luther King Jr. proposed an important strategy for change in his speech, Nonviolence:  the Only Road to Freedom.  Mary McLeod Bethune said: “We have a powerful potential in our youth, and we must have the courage to change old ideas and practices so that we may direct their power toward good ends.”  But one of my favorite passages in the greatest book of all time says: “If any man, woman, boy or girl be in Christ Jesus, he or she is a new creature.  Old things are passed away and behold all things become new.” [II Corinthians. 5:17]  This passage most certainly supports the notion that a change must come in order for one to please God.

During my academic preparation to become a clinical psychologist many theories were proposed to assist students in understanding why people behave the way they do.  There is great value in cognitive theories, and I adopted and continue to espouse cognitive behavioral strategies to help people to change and modify negative and maladaptive thinking in order to reduce negative feelings and ultimately destructive behaviors.  The mind is a powerful tool, and our thinking has a great impact on how we appraise situations, events, and people. 

The cognitive behavioral approach simply suggests that the way one perceives the events, situations and people in one’s life affects one’s feelings and behaviors. This approach sounds a lot like a principle in Scripture that says: “So a man thinks so is he.”[Proverbs 23:7]  In order to change destructive behavior, and to reduce or eliminate negative feelings, one must change and/or modify one’s thinking.   

Some are afflicted with “Stinking Thinking” which is defined as negative/maladaptive thinking that tends to corrupt the mind, body, and spirit.  “Stinking Thinking” can severely limit one’s ability to set and reach goals, make good decisions, and live the life that God intended for one to live.  Further, negative thinking prevents one from affirming the past, shaping the present, and anticipating a great future.  We all are guilty of stinking thinking but some bask in it.  It can corrode your very being.  

Negative thinkers tend to be at risk of experiencing poor mental, physical, and spiritual health.  For example, a negative mindset contributes to feelings of sadness, fear, and worry that can lead to destructive behaviors, such as drinking, drugs, overeating, excessive spending, gambling, and sexual acting out. 

Negative people tend to surround themselves with other negative people, resulting in a bad attitude, the inability to work in harmony with others, and failure to serve God and the people of God.

There are far too many gifted and talented people who have been given a specific assignment by God who are stricken by self defeating and faulty thinking, such as I can’t; I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’m worthless OR paranoid thinking, she’s looking at me, they don’t like me, they think I’m ugly, they think I’m not smart.  This kind of thinking prevents one from accepting one’s assignment, and failure to do so contributes to a defeated non-productive life.  Therefore, a CHANGE MUST COME.

BENEFITS OF CHANGING NEGATIVE THINKING

• Your attitude will become more positive.
• You will experience feelings of joy and peace.
• You will change self-destructive habits and behaviors.
• You will develop a servant’s heart with a real desire to serve others. 

STRATEGIES FOR CHANGING YOUR THINKING

• Become spiritually mature through prayer, devotion, praise & worship, and fellowship through the local church.
• Guard your mind by being careful about what you allow to come into your mind.   
• Change your environment.  
• Forgive those who have hurt you.
• Seek counsel from a trained Christian professional to assist you in your process of healing.          

When you change your thinking, you will be in a better position to effectuate change in your home, community, society, and the world.

 “Living in the past may cause paralysis that may prevent one from successfully walking into the future” Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist/Author Too Broken to be Fixed? A Spiritual Guide to Inner Healing Word of Life Christian Bookstores, Los Angeles, CA Zahra’s Books & things, Inglewood, CA www.amazon.com www.gloriamorrow.com

The holiday season can be the loneliest time of the year, especially during the month of December. Even though the research refutes the notion that the highest rate of suicide occurs in the month of December, many people do experience the Holiday Blues because of the loss of a loved one, exhaustion, separation from family and close friends, feelings of failure due to unmet goals and expectations, significant changes and increased stress. Some may even experience the Holiday Blues because they cannot afford to go Christmas shopping.

This year has been particularly difficult for many people because of a failed economy resulting in the loss of homes and jobs. Just this week U.S. companies cut 240,000 jobs in October 2008, with the unemployment rate spiking to 6.5%, the highest since 1994. Therefore, it may be harder for people to handle the stress of such events, especially around the holidays. The war in Iraq and the potential for war around the globe has also caused many families to be separated from loved ones either through death or distance at this time of the year. These events have impacted the world and may make people more at risk of experiencing the Holiday Blues and more chronic mental health problems, especially if they are already vulnerable.

According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, there are a number of signs and symptoms that signal the presence of the Holiday Blues, such as: headaches, inability to sleep or sleeping too much, changes in appetite causing weight loss or gain, agitation and anxiety, excessive or inappropriate feelings of guilt, diminished ability to think clearly or concentrate, and decreased interest in activities that usually bring pleasure. If these symptoms persist, however, one may be experiencing a depressive disorder.

While the country appears to be more hopeful about its future after the recent election where Senator Barack Obama was elected the 44^th President of the United States, it is going to take time for the economic picture all over the world to improve.  Therefore, it is important to discuss strategies for overcoming the Holiday Blues:

* Acknowledge your pain and do not suffer in silence.
* Connect with a good support system.
* Connect to your spiritual source.
* Forgive yourself and others for the mistakes of the past.
* Do not focus on what went wrong rather, focus on what went right.
* Set realistic goals and expectations for the coming year.

If your life has been shaken up this year, create a new way of celebrating the holidays, but do not forget the real reason for the season. Do something special for yourself that will not cause financial strain, such as take a long hot bubble bath or get together with special friends and family.

Do something for others, such as volunteer time at a shelter, hospital, church, nursing home, or senior center. Be sure to maintain a healthy diet and get sufficient rest and exercise. If symptoms continue to persist, seek the consultation of a professional mental health professional to assist you during this critical time.

“Living in the past may cause paralysis that may prevent one from successfully walking into the future” Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Gloria Morrow, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist/Author Too Broken to be Fixed? A Spiritual Guide to Inner Healing Word of Life Christian Bookstores, Los Angeles, CA Zahra’s Books & things, Inglewood, CA www.amazon.com www.gloriamorrow.com

We are in the midst of one of the most challenging times in history as well as the most exciting times for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.   However, many among the household of faith are struggling with anxiety and depression because of a failed economy and relationship issues.   I have been blessed with the opportunity to respond to some of your questions relating to mental health/emotional issues, as well as marriage and family, dating, friendship, and workplace issues.   To give you a sneak peak into what you can expect from my column, I am going to share my response to a critical blended family issue that some, even among the body of Christ can relate to.

Q             My husband and my 25-year old daughter are having a real difficult time.  My husband is a good Christian man and he and I have been married 10 years. [My daughter was 15 when we married.]  She has never really accepted him because she wanted me and her biological father to get back together.  My husband has always been good to her, and he tried everything he knew to help her, but she rejected him.  In fact, he has been better to her than her own father.  I admit that she can be rude and disrespectful at times, but she is still my daughter.  She has lived with us the whole time, except for the short time she lived with her father and his new wife.  She didn’t get along with her father’s wife, so her father asked her to leave.   That was three years ago, and she has been back with us ever since.  I am getting so tired of being pulled into the middle of their arguments.  My husband is threatening to leave if she doesn’t.  Not only is she difficult to live with she does nothing to help around the house and refuses to pay rent.  What should I do?  I just can’t seem to put her out; she is my daughter.

A             I can clearly understand your dilemma, but can I keep it real?  Your daughter is wrong.  It is difficult to put a child out, but your daughter is an adult, even though she is not acting much like one.   It is true that some children have a much more difficult time overcoming the break-up of their parents, but that does not mean that you and your husband should be held hostage because of your daughter’s behavior.  Encourage your daughter to seek professional therapy to help her to heal from the divorce so she can move on with her life.  Unfortunately, you must share in some of the responsibility for your daughter’s actions, because you may have enabled her by allowing her to be disrespectful and yet continue to live in your home.  Help your daughter to become independent so you will not have to take care of her the rest of your life.  Perhaps the entire family could benefit from counseling to recover from the past, and to begin a new family dynamic.  Be sure to seek counsel from a trained Christian family therapist who is skilled in integrating Christian principles to help people to heal and recover.  She will always be your daughter regardless of the decision you make, however, if you continue to allow her to run your home, the two of you may be forced to live as roommates, without your husband.

This is just an example of the kind of issues you can expect to see addressed when you read my column.  If you have an issue you would like me to address, please visit my website at www.gloriamorrow.com  and click on Ask the Doc to submit your question.

Dr. Gloria Morrow is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, author, and speaker in Upland, California.