Adoption is not something to be entered into haphazardly. One must consider all the possible outcomes, occurrences, and obstacles that may arise. This is even more true when a family (or individual) is considering a transracial adoption (when the race of the adopted child is different from that of one or both adoptive parents).

This is not a new issue in the United States. Transracial adoptions nearly stopped for 20 years, from the early 70s to the 90s, when they were condemned as “cultural genocide” by the National Black Social Workers Association (NBSWA). In 1994, after the Metzenbaum Multiethnic Placement Act (which banned any agency receiving federal funds from interfering with adoptions based on race or nationality) was passed, we saw a significant rise in these adoptions. This act, as well as the Interethnic Adoption Provisions amendment, were designed to eliminate racial discriminations within the adoption system. (1)

While the legality of transracial adoption isn’t be up for debate, it’s imperative that we take a hard look at the cultural impact of such adoptions.

Developing a child’s cultural and racial identity is as important as developing his or her intellectual skills. They give the child a sense of pride, heritage, and belonging. Gloria Batiste Roberts, president of the NBSWA, believes that, “children deserve the right to be with people who look like them, people who understand what they are going through, who understand their culture.”  But why should it matter?

“[The NBSWA] points out that a black child growing up in a white family will never learn about his or her own culture and will therefore never develop a positive self-image. White parents can never provide a black child with sufficient information about what it is like to be black in a predominantly white society.” (2)

Interestingly, “in a study of 30 adolescent black children adopted by white parents, only 10 of them identified themselves as black; 6 said they were ‘mixed,’ and the rest tried to avoid a racial identity altogether by saying they were ‘human’ or ‘American.’” (3)

If a Black, Chinese, or Brazilian child is adopted by a White family, at some point questions are going to arise as to why they look different. (I refer to White families here because, in transracial adoptions, Whites are more likely to adopt than are other races.) And no matter how hard I try, I cannot personally identify with the struggles of those who don’t look like me because I’ve never experienced them for myself. Sure, I can hear about their stories and comprehend them as I would a movie or fiction book, but having never lived them out, my “knowledge” can only go so far. The same proves true for parents. A White parent cannot adequately explain what it’s like to be anything other than White in America.

Some might say that none of this race talk really matters; that kids should be raised by whomever is willing to provide a loving and supportive home. And while that may be true, there are certain issues that can’t be overlooked.

For a Black child, one of those issues would be the history of Blacks in America, beginning with the origins of the Atlantic Slave Trade. While White parents may understand and be able to articulate the concepts, ideas, and history of slavery in America, it may be difficult for the child to process the fact that someone who looks like their parent once owned someone who looked like them. No doubt this would bring about some confusion in the child’s mind.

Perhaps equally as important is ensuring that the child develops a healthy self image and self  respect. With America being heavily undated and influenced by Euro-centric concepts of beauty, it’s crucial for children of color to understand that they are no less beautiful or attractive just because they don’t “match” with those around them. Nowhere would this lesson be more important than in the home. It would prove to be a challenge for White parents to effectively affirm a child’s appearance when they’ve never known the issues associated with creating a positive self image in spite of the mainsteam, Euro-centric image that America deems as beautiful.

Newsweek finds that, “according to a study published last year by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, transracial parents are often ill equipped to raise children who are themselves unprepared for the world’s racial realities.”

In an interview with ABC News, Rita Taddonio, director of the Adoption Resource Center at The Spence-Chapin Adoption Agency in New York City, which facilitates many transracial adoptions, says, “If you look around your table and your guests are all the same color, if you don’t have diversity around your kitchen table then you shouldn’t be adopting a child of a different color.”

“We recommend parents connect to the black community, that they make sure they have friends in those areas, that they go to a black church or be part of the community as well,” Taddonio continues. “Every parent’s job is to help them form an identity, it’s just an additional layer of complexity when your child’s identity has pieces of it that you don’t own.”

We’ve talked primarily about Black children and White parents thus far. But in all fairness, what would happen if the situation were reversed? What if it was a White child being raised by Black parents? That’s the topic examined by a 2009 Newsweek article entitled, “ Raising Katie: What adopting a white girl taught a black family about race in the Obama era” covers. The article states:

Katie [the white daughter]… has sometimes struggled with her unusual situation, and how outsiders perceive it. When she’s not drawing, swimming or pining after teen heartthrob Zac Efron, she’s often dealing with normal kid teasing with a nasty edge. ‘They’ll ignore me or yell at me because I have a black family,’ she says. Most of her friends are black, although her school is primarily white. And Terri has noticed something else: Katie is uncomfortable identifying people by their race.

But even if Katie feels different now, the Riding-Smiths [her adopted family] have given her both a stable home and a familiarity with two ethnic worlds that will surely serve her well as she grows up in a country that is increasingly blended.

If Blacks would adopt their own, Whites wouldn’t have to, right? “Census studies indicate that blacks adopt at about the same rate as whites, but to successfully place all the black children available for adoption [with black families], experts estimate blacks would need to adopt children at three times the rate of white families.” (4) While there are significant societal issues which have lead to the high population of Black children waiting to be adopted at work, many would also argue that there is a systemic bias against Black families who wish to adopt.

Many private adoption agencies can charge fees well into the thousands of dollars, and some feel a certain taboo behind paying for a Black child. Agencies which may not be privatized are normally geared more towards the White middle-class in their mindset and operation, believing that many Black families don’t have what it takes to adopt a child from foster care. The Black families may be subject to higher levels of scrutiny when it comes to their living conditions, income level, or background as well. All in all, the process is much more challenging for a Black family than it would be for a White family if all things were considered equal.

At the end of the day, perhaps it’s more of a personal choice than anything else. In an age where families and children are becoming more and more racially and culturally mixed, perhaps transracial serves to further blur the lines of how we define race in America. Or perhaps it delineates the lines even more. What do you think?

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

Are Biracial People Black?

Does Race Really Matter?

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

Are Interracial Relationships Biblical?

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

There’s an old saying that goes, “If you are five minutes early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, then you’ve got a lot of explaining to do.” I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps one of my biggest pet peeves — the thing that consistently gets on my nerves more than anything else — is tardiness. Being late, consistently. I just can’t stand it. It’s tacky. I hate when I’m late and I can’t stand it when others are late.

I’m not talking about when you’re running behind schedule because of unforeseen traffic or an emergency (a real one; not, “I was checking my Facebook”). I’m talking about people who are consistently, day after day, week after week, about 20, 30 (or more) minutes late. You know you’ve got a few of those people in your life. If you don’t, chances are good that you are that person. Sometimes they’re so consistently delayed that you tell them the 8:30pm movie starts at 8:00pm just to make sure they get there “on time.”

Here’s my issue: when you’re late, what that says to me is that you don’t care, value, or respect the people that you’re meeting enough to consider how precious their time is. In essence, “I don’t care about you, or your schedule; I’ll be there when I get there.” Rude. Disrespectful. Unacceptable.

Personally and professionally, punctuality is very important. If people can’t count on you to be consistently on time, why would they trust you to do anything else? Especially things that require meeting deadlines.

I’ll admit, I’m not always on time. I do make a conscious effort to at least try to be on time, though. In fact, just the other night I was running late to a party (which, due to the fluid nature of most parties, may be the exception to the on time rule). I’ve lost track of time and been late to church before, too. It happens. But what I do notice is that the things I’m late for, I normally, for that instance, haven’t put a particularly high value on.

Case in point: Sunday I was late for church. I woke up, worked on the computer, had breakfast, and cleaned up around the house (I actually listened to the previous service live online). Before I knew it, I looked down and realized that I was going to be late. I hadn’t showered, and clearly wasn’t ready to leave. What happened? I had placed (perhaps subconsciously) more importance on cleaning up the house, than on getting ready to go to church.

I’d be remiss if I just told you that being late is a horrendous habit and left it at that. Here are four things to consider in order to help you be more punctual.

1) Know what time it is. Seems simple right? Apparently, it’s not as easy as you think. When it matters, be conscious of the time and know when you have to be places. If you have to, set your clocks 5-10 minutes fast. I do this with the clock in my car. At first you may realize that it’s fast, and take that into account, but after a while you’ll likely forget.

2) Understand how long it really takes you to do things. If I have to drive to a meeting downtown, it may only take me 15 minutes to drive from “point A” to “point B,” but I must also find somewhere to park, get out and walk into the building, and it wouldn’t hurt to account for any traffic or red lights I might encounter. In other words, I can’t leave a 15 minute window; it must be more like 25-30 minutes.

3) Plan to be five minutes early. You’d be amazed at how quickly five minutes can just slip by. If you plan to be five (for some people, you may need ten) minutes early, you’ll be much more likely to make it right on time.

4) Think ahead. Obviously, things happen at the last minute, but thinking about your whole day in advance can make things run a lot smoother. Think about travel times, where you’ll park, and what traffic might be like. If it’s a daily routine, chances are that you already know different obstacles that might get in the way. Thinking about those things ahead of time will ensure that you’ll be better prepared.

Hopefully reading this blog hasn’t caused you to be late, but in the event that it has, you, at least, have a good explanation. Now, go be on time.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

Are Biracial People Black?

Does Race Really Matter?

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

Are Interracial Relationships Biblical?

Do You Have These Red Flags In Your Relationship?

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Paula Patton, during an interview in the March issue of Women’s Health Magazine, said the following:

“I find [the term biracial] offensive. It’s a way for people to separate themselves from African Americans… a way of saying ‘I’m better than that.’ I’m black because that’s the way the world sees me. People aren’t calling Barack Obama biracial. Most people think there’s a black president.”

Which terms Patton is offended by and approves of isn’t really important (I’d be more offended by words like mongrel, mutt, or half-breed instead of biracial, but that’s a personal preference). Instead, what is important ins that she points out that the term biracial is a way for people to separate themselves from African Americans. This is true. But people who are biracial are not African American. Nor are they White. Or Asian. Or Latino. Or whatever other race they’re mixed with. They are biracial. Biracial is an identity all it’s own.

Yet it seems that Patton doesn’t want to accept her biracial identity at all. She wants to identify herself solely as Black, and not consider the White side of her family. While biracial children in America often do generally associate with their Black culture and heritage more quickly than they do the White (I mention white because Patton is mixed with Black and White, but there could be any number of other races an individual could be mixed with), it’s important to understand that there is a duality to their culture. They, in part, must identify with both races.

When Patton say that she identifies herself as Black “because that’s the way the world sees me,” we see the idea that race is nothing more than a social construction very clearly. It shows us how we quickly separate and classify people into groups and categories. When we classify and categorize, the job of separating and then reducing or elevating particular groups within a society is made easier, the dominant group can move the pieces around the board, do what they like, and remain in charge.

The problem is this — there’s no definitive way to categorize a white American experience or a black American experience. We can’t say, “You’re black because you do _______.” Nor can we say, “You must be white because you grew up _______.” Whenever we might try to, there will always be an exception — either a person of that race who hasn’t had that experience, or a person of another race who has had that experience — thus nullifying the idea altogether. We can’t define Black as the ghetto and White as the suburbs, as some traditionally would; there are Black people in the suburbs and White people in the ghettos.

We have a skewed way of socially defining “White” and “Black” behaviors that are based off nothing more than outdated, inaccurate stereotypes — many of which are based in the concept of White Supremacy. For example, when we use phrases like, “He or she sounds White (or Black),” what are we really saying? Obviously we’re referring to their dialect, word choice, and sentence structure. But if we say that someone “sounds White” what we mean to say is that they sound articulate and well spoken. We have also unintentionally implied that Black people must never be well spoken and articulate (which obviously is not the case). Again, when we say that someone “sounds Black” we’re referencing that they may be using slang terminology and often times shortened and choppy sentence structure, indicating the idea that Blacks are not well spoken, whereas Whites are.

And all this means what? It means that, no matter how hard we try, we cannot categorize or classify, with an degree of effectiveness, the varying races and cultures in America. And as more and more biracial children are both, and more and more adults have interracial marriages, the lines between Black and White in America gradually become a little less clear. And for the better. We are too different, too diverse, too good, to be relegated into only one category. We must throw away our classification boxes and enjoy life together, as member of the one true race — human beings.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

Does Race Really Matter?

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

Are Interracial Relationships Biblical?

Do You Have These Red Flags In Your Relationship?

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

Does race matter? It’s a question that was brought to me the other day. And in the midst of all that’s going on in America — the first black President in the White House, politicians remarking that black people were better off during slavery, celebrities using inappropriate and racially charged words — it’s a question that’s not out of place. So, does race matter?

I’m torn. Part of me wants to say that, no, race doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. After all, race is a socially constructed concept with no real, inherently biological traits to distinguish any one person from any other person. Race is a category based on the society of which we’re a part at any given time. Race has changed over time, and indeed will continue to change as society itself changes. In other words, ultimately, it means nothing.

Even though race shouldn’t matter, it does. American society is so heavily impacted by race that you couldn’t ignore its effects if you tried. (You could ignorantly try to deny them, however.) Hundreds of years of white supremacy and racial bias have made race such an integral part of our national identity that we may never be able to get past the color of each others skin.

That may seem pessimistic, yes, but it’s also the reality of the racial situation in America. Post racial America doesn’t exists. When racism, discrimination, and segregation are built into the foundation — even the very legislation — of the country, how can you absolutely eliminate it but to demolish the country and start over?

While America’s federal government system may not (ever) be post racial, perhaps the more important question is: are you? Have we, individually, learned to, not ignore a person’s race, but treat everyone the same regardless of their race? Does race matter to you?

This may be the more pertinent question because race and ethnic identity are intensely person. They are who we are. racial and ethnic issues are often times best dealt with on a individual level. The best way to create a post-racial America is to make sure that your America — the circles and spheres of influence of which you’re a part — are post-racial.

We often hear people use the “but I have X number of (enter race here) friends,” line in order to defend themselves from accusations of prejudice, but without having friends and acquaintances that are racially and ethnically diverse, we will never learn, grow, and begin to understand those who are not like ourselves. We must make conscious choices to diversify (in every sense of the word) the people we interact with, if for no other reason than because being around a bunch of clones who act, think, and talk just like you gets to be more than a little boring. Not to mention the fact that you never learn anything new or how to articulate and defend you perspectives and opinions if you never experience a positive that’s opposite yours.

But who cares about understanding peoples who are different from us? Why is that important? How would that benefit our lives? If you’d like to remain ignorant, close-minded, and selfish, it doesn’t. But who wants to do that? America is growing increasingly diverse every day; it would behoove all of us to at least strive to understand cultures and people who are different than us. Can it hurt? I think not. Can it help? Absolutely.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

Are Interracial Relationships Biblical?

Do You Have These Red Flags In Your Relationship?

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

There are certain questions that I can’t stand to answer. Partially because the answer will bring no benefit to the questioner, and partially because the question itself makes certain implications. My favorite (or perhaps least favorite) question of this type — “Why aren’t you married/dating/in a relationship?”

We all love to get that question, don’t we? Whether it’s family, parents, old friends we haven’t seen in a while, or maybe a new acquaintance (but I hope not a date, lest they’ve forgotten their manners), they all want to know why we haven’t been “snatched up” into a relationship.

I’ve been guilty of asking this question before, as I’m sure you have. When I ask the question, it’s really a less offensive way of saying, “What’s wrong with you? Where are your defects? Do you have a personality disorder? There must be some logical explanation as to why someone hasn’t decided they want to spend the rest of their life with you? What’s the problem?”  That’s the backhanded brilliance of the “why aren’t you” question — it says all that and more in such a way that people often don’t have a decent answer.

While you might actually want them to tell you all of those things, you’d be pretty bold (or maybe just stupid) to be forthright enough to ask such blatant questions.

For some reason, it seems as if I get asked this, entirely too often. And the other day I was pondering it… Why am I not in a relationship? Or married? Then the answer came to me, simple and clear — because I have standards.

Standards? Who has those nowadays? Apparently, more people than you might think. While they might be the “he/she needs to have X, Y, and Z material things before I’ll get with him” unhealthy type instead of the honest, healthy kind of standards, at the very least, we could all say that, if we’re not in a relationship, it’s because we’ve chosen not to settle. Some have chosen not to settle for a man in a Honda. Some have chosen not to settle for a woman with 3 kids. It depends on how high your standards are, but you’ve chosen, one way or another, not to settle.

If you think back over your life, your past, and your relationships, you’ll probably see some places where you could have gotten married, or you could have gotten into this relationship, but for whatever reason, you didn’t. That reason — your standards.

Standards have a way of messing up all kinds of things. You see a beautiful girl, but she’s got red flags popping up left and right. Or, you’re getting to know a new guy, but he’s always so focused on himself that he doesn’t really care about you. And yes, you could (and many do) overlook those things and settle for a relationship with those individuals, but, is it really worth it? That’s where your standards come in.

Wait. I’m letting some people off the hook entirely too easily. Let me clarify something — for some of you, it’s not your standards that are the issue, it’s other’s standards that are the issue.

Some of you have some issues that you need to work on before you get into a relationship. Perhaps it’s your immaturity, proclivity to gravitate towards foolish drama, constant negativity, or inability to consider how your words and actions impact anyone but yourself that are holding you back from someone wanting to be locked in a relationship (or maybe even go on a date) with you. (If you got upset about this paragraph, that’s probably because I was talking about you. Don’t kill the messenger.)

How do you know if it’s your standards or other people’s that are the reason you’re not in a relationship? Figuring that out is as simple as looking at whether or not people seriously (not jokingly or for courtesy’s sake) ask you that question. (And for the record, one person a year does not count.) If people don’t ask you, it’s likely that they already know why you’re not in a relationship. And they’re probably right.

Next time someone comes at you with the whole, “Why aren’t you married/dating/in a relationship?” thing, just assure them that it’s because you have standards and don’t feel like settling for less than the best. That will either shut them up or cause them to question your standards (which is an entirely separate conversation). Either way, you’ll have a decent answer for the future.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

Do You Have These Red Flags In Your Relationship?

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Are Interracial Relationships Biblical?

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

Last week I talked about how interracial dating can go wrong by citing a certain website that is designed exclusively for those desiring only interracial relationships. I noted how this can allow people to develop unhealthy, racially-based fetishes. Since then, some have brought up the question of whether or not interracial dating is Biblical. This argument is not only easily dismantled, but in fact, racist in and of itself.

In order to properly talk about interracial relationships, we must define what race is. The best definition I have found comes from Dr. Mikhail Lyubansky, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Illinois. He defines race as a “classification of human beings into politically motivated socially constructed categories based on arbitrary phenotypical combinations.” In other words, there is no lasting, biological condition such as race (other than, of course, the human race) — it’s strictly based on societal norms at a given place and time.

Using that definition, we understand that interracial relationships involve two individuals who don’t have similar phenotypical features (in terms of race, we often think of skin tone, bone structure, and hair texture).

The argument that interracial relationships are not Biblical could almost be dismantled by simply saying that race, as we know and understand it (or try to), in America today, simply did not exist when the Bible was written. However, that doesn’t complete the discussion; we must continue.

The idea that interracial relationships are unbiblical was likely created by someone with a white, eurocentric mindset. It is in this mindset that we find the root of systemic American racism. This is also the school of thought from which the concept of inherent superiority and inferiority comes from. It wasn’t until the Europeans saw a need for free labor that they concocted the notion that people who didn’t have pale, melanin deficient skin were inferior to those who did. Using this mentality as their rationale, they invaded Africa, stripping it of its resources, wealth, and most devastatingly, its people, who they took by force during the Atlantic Slave Trade.

Many of the scriptures fallaciously used to promote the view that it’s unbiblical to be in an interracial relationship are based on the perception that many of the people in the Old Testament were white. It’s crucial to understand that “white” as a racial identity didn’t exist until the 1600s and were created solely for economic gain.

Adam was not white. In modern terms, he was a black man. By studying the original language, we can learn that the name Adam means “reddish brown.” A derivative of this same word is used later in Genesis to describe the lentil soup that Esau wanted his son to make for him. If you’ve ever seen lentils, there are many types, but none are white. The most commonly used lentils in this time would have been red/brown and yellow.

Establishing that Adam, and in fact many peoples written about in the Old Testament were not white, as we know it, is just one building block in dismantling the argument that interracial relationships aren’t biblical. Secondly, we have to look at the scriptures that people may misconstrue to say something they really don’t.

We see plenty of times in the Bible where God forbids his people — the Israelites in the Old Testament; the Jews in the New Testament — to intermarry with other people. Yet in every instance where God commands it, his reason was religious, not racial. He doesn’t want His people to be woven together with those who worshiped pagan idols. The best example of this is found in Deuteronomy 7:

“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations—the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, seven nations larger and stronger than you… Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you.” (Deuteronomy 7:1-4, NIV)

Note that in verse four, God’s purpose for forbidding marriage between His chosen people, the Israelites, and the pagan nations was because they would take them “to serve other Gods.” God was concerned, not about their physical appearance, but their spiritual appearance and whether their spouse would distract them from their focus of serving God. In fact, God was so opposed to these nations that, in verse 5, He told the Israelites to “Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire.” But be clear — this is not a racially based hatred, but rather one based in their idol worship and sacrifice.

Another such scripture, this time in the New Testament, is 2 Corinthians 6:14, where Paul writes, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Some would take “light” and “darkness” to reflect skin tone, yet nothing could be further from the truth.

Looking at the scriptures, many times we see that God is synonymous with the idea of light, and the Devil is referred to as “darkness.” Looking at the scripture in context (which is always imperative when trying to understand scriptures) we can see that Paul says, in the next verses, 15 and 16, “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” What Paul is doing is repeating the same principle point multiple times, using different examples. He is striving to convince the believers in Corinth that they, at the most essential level, have nothing in common with unbelievers and therefore shouldn’t be married to them.

It’s clear that there is no scripture to support the idea that interracial relationships are ungodly. Rather what we see is that man made social constructs such as race and racism has clouded the judgment of Christians who have become so in the world that we’ve conformed to the society’s way of separating, classifying and ranking human beings.

The Apostle Paul saw this at work in the ancient society that he lived in. Yet, he refused to conform. In Acts 10:28, Paul (as a Jew, speaking to Gentiles) says,“You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with a Gentile or visit him. But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean.” He understood that God’s laws and commandments always overrules those of the society.

Sadly, we seem to have lost a grasp of this concept. We let our churches and, perhaps more importantly, our lives remain separated and segregating — a horrible reflection on Christ and his Kingdom.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

When Interracial Dating Goes Wrong

Do You Have These Red Flags In Your Relationship?

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

What’s The Rule With Ex’s?

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

In every dating relationship, the time comes when we must examine the other person’s character, integrity, and personality in order to discern whether or not we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. During this examination, we sometimes easily spot things that send up what is often referred to as a “red flag,” or a warning sign. But sometimes there are blatant things that we simply overlook for whatever reason. I know I’ve done it before and chances are that you have too.

So in hopes that we can all learn from my mistakes and hopefully be more aware these flags in the future, I’ve compiled the following list of a few of the major red flags that I look for when considering a relationship with someone. While these are all important and should be examined at some point in the relationship (preferably sooner rather than later), they are listed in no particular order.

1) They make bad or irresponsible financial choices.

“I don’t know where my paycheck went.” (Would you like me to tell you which store you spent it in?)

Why this is important: Someday it’ll be your money. Even if you have separate banks accounts, your spouse’s finances affect yours. You wouldn’t want other people making rash, frivolous decisions with your money would you? Solid decision making is an important quality for someone who wants to raise a family and looking at a person’s money is a great way to see this in action. (Remember: money does not change a person’s character, it merely amplifies it.)

2) They lack direction, ambition and life purpose.

“I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet… I guess I’ll figure it out sooner or later.” (Sounds like it’ll be later rather than sooner.)

Why this is important: Ladies, a man can’t take you anywhere if he doesn’t know where he’s going. Generally, we think that the idea of having a vision is exclusive to men, but it works for women as well. A woman that don’t have any kind of plan, vision, ambition, or drive is equally as unattractive to men as a man with the same qualities (or lack thereof) would be to a woman.

“I mean, yeah, we hang out a few times a week, but we’re not really tight like that.” (You become like those you spend the most time with.)

Why this is important: You become those you associate with on a regular basis. This is a simple, yet profound truth. You can tell a lot about a person by observing their friends.  If their friends are constantly causing drama and complaining about everything, chances are good that the person you’re interested in will do the same thing.  Misery loves company right?

The same is true with their spiritual walk — if their friends are committed and passionate about getting God’s best for them, chances are good that they’re the same way. Hang out with their friends, see how they interact with one another and you’ll have a good clue about what you can expect from them.

4) They tend to burn bridges and leave behind a streak of badly ended relationships.

“So what I keyed his car and got his lights turned off by telling the power company he died? I saw him out with another girl last week!” (Is it really that serious?)

Why this is important: It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. This is as true for relationships as it is anything else in life. I’m not saying that you have to have an incredible relationship with all your exes; what I am saying is that you should at least be able to coexist, even in the same room, without a brawl breaking out.

View your new relationship like a job interview where you had to disclose “previous employment” or “references”. If the new relationship called some of the people in your past, what kind of “recommendations” would they get?

5) They blame everything that goes wrong on someone else.

“I know I got fired because my boss doesn’t like me.” (Didn’t you get fired for smoking weed in the bathroom?)

Why this is important: People who can’t take responsibility when things go wrong have a character issue; it’s a sign of immaturity. Constantly making excuses and justifications for your actions is childish and something that would benefits no one involved. Adults in responsible relationships should be able to solve any problems that will inevitably arise. But problems don’t get solved unless people take responsibility for their own actions and allow themselves to be held accountable.

You’ve probably noticed I left a very obvious one off the list. The red flag of “they don’t share my faith”. I thought long and hard about including this one, but decided not to because it’s normally not something we’re as quick to overlook. This is a more obvious warning sign, and personally, the first, or perhaps second, thing I would consider.

So what’s missing from the list? What are some other red flags or even deal breakers for you in terms of romantic relationships?

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

What’s The Rule With Ex’s?

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Why Women Should Leave The Pursuit To Men

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

Friends Vs. Girlfriends — As Men See It

While browsing YouTube the other day, I noticed an interesting ad, placed below a video entitled, “Single black women find the search for love is especially difficult.”

The ad pictured a Black woman with a shirtless White man next to the text, “AfroRomance — Where love is more than skin deep.”

It seemed that YouTube, with it’s consistent ad placement was saying: “Hey Black women, you know your pickings are slim with all the black men being either unemployed or incarcerated. Not to worry, come try out this interracial dating site and find you a nice White man!”  (Ok, perhaps that wasn’t the intent, but that’s certainly how I took it.)

The fact is, we all have preferred body type, skin, hair and eye color, and such, but the idea of someone dating exclusively outside their race is disturbing. To not be attracted to a person of the same race seems to be a form of self hate, does it not?

I find that attraction based solely on complexion, especially when using lines like, “where love is more than skin deep,” to promote your service, actually shows that the love you may find there would, in fact, be only skin deep — at least initially.

This is dangerous because it gives place to those who fantasize and even have fetishes about people of a different race. Fetishes tend to debase and disrespect their subjects because they are viewed simply as a source of pleasure or fantasy, rather than as a valued and complex member of society. This is something that Whites in America have been doing since the first Africans have placed their coerced feet onto the continent.

Systemic racism and personal prejudice toward Black people have found a comfortable home here in American society for centuries. And while one would think interracial relationships would tear down these walls and barriers between the races, it seems that when built on the wrong premise, and with the wrong intent, these relationships can actually serve to perpetuate the degradation of Blacks in America.

Hear me clearly — there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone of another race. What is wrong is when you date someone of another race with impure motives.

Are you dating them because you’ve “always wanted to know what it felt like”? Or is it because you genuinely see qualities in them that you’re attracted to regardless of their skin color? Is the love really more than skin deep? Or is it only skin deep?

I wouldn’t dare judge anyone in a relationship and answer that question for them. Instead it’s something that needs to be seriously considered by both parties.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Articles:

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

What’s The Rule With Ex’s?

Manolos Vs. Maddens: A Lesson About Why Men Don’t Pursue

Why Women Should Leave The Pursuit To Men

Five Reasons I Hate Dating Christians

Friends Vs. Girlfriends — As Men See It

In a recent interview with Playboy magazine, John Mayer made a few comments that caused a bit of an uproar and plenty or backlash on Twitter. It seems that more than a few people have wanted my thoughts, so here’s my obligatory “the White boy speaks out on John Mayer” post.

But before we get started, if you haven’t already, read the full interview for yourself (here) and then come back and join us.

Obviously his use of the n-word was out of line for the simple reason that he’s White. Whether John Mayer has a “Hood Pass” or not, he is still a White man in America using an incredibly powerful, racially charged, derogatory term that comes with, at least when said from the mouth a White person, years of oppression, slavery, and notions of inherent inferiority attached to it. A “hood pass” may give you a pass to come into someone’s community but doesn’t change the color of your skin.

Soon after the interview went viral on Twitter, Mayer soon realized the error of his ways and apologized on his Twitter page (@johncmayer) saying:

“Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.”

I give Mayer props for confronting the issue head-on and in a timely manner. (And for not making the “But I have Black friends” excuse that we’ve seen in the past.)

The whole issue behind the idea of a non-Black person (usually a White) receiving a “hood pass” is a little problematic. I understand that the premise is that an individual may be accepted by a group of Black people that they have this pass given to them, but as Dr. Mikhail Lyubansky points out in his article discussing Mayer, “it has absolutely no meaning to anyone other than the person giving out the pass’ and the one receiving it.” In other words, you can have a hood pass with different individuals that you may regularly associate with, but that give you no immediate privileges when you’re around a different group.  Sorry White folks who may be holding one — it’s basically meaningless towards the general population of Black America. (Womp womp.)

I’m not a fan of the concept of a “hood pass” because it relates, on many levels, Blackness and the Black experience, to poverty. And while the systemic racism that undoubtedly exists in this country does plenty to perpetuate cycles of poverty in order to keep Black people broke and on welfare, the idea that you could gain the fullness of the Black experience in America by going into a ghetto is absurd.

As for Mayer stating that he has a “Benetton heart,” but a “David Duke [penis],” well, I say, “to each his own.” Mayer was clearly trying to be clever in saying that he’s not sexually attracted to Black women, but he definitely chose the wrong analogy there.

I won’t delve deep into interracial dating right now (that’ll be in a few weeks), but if he doesn’t want to have sex or be in a relationship with Black women, why should we care? We shouldn’t. There are plenty of people who date outside their race and there are plenty who don’t. Whatever. It’s a personal choice that each person should make for themselves. Mayer’s word selection, not his perspective, is again the problem here.

Race is never something to be addressed flippantly and without serious consideration for how all parties could potentially view a certain statement. That doesn’t mean that we sugarcoat things to make them more palatable, but it does mean that we should think through what we say to understand how it could possibly be misconstrued. This is the problem with interviews. Once something is said, and “out there,” there’s no chance to clarify meaning or intent, often until after the damage has been done.

I don’t know if the interview was really framed exactly like that, if it was a literal transcription of what was said, or if Playboy edited it and removed some context to make it seem a bit more edgy. Who knows? That’s part of the problem with fully judging someone based off a single comment they made in the midst of a conversation — we often tend to forget that, in these interviews, the fact that, it can be easy to get engrossed in a conversation where you focus on and understand only the people in the conversation without having regard for the rest of world that could be listening in.

At the end of the day, we’re all human, and we make mistakes. No one is ever immune to slipping up and saying something inappropriate of out of line. Mayer gave his apology via Twitter and then later that evening, also broke down at a concert and apologized again (see that video). All in all, I’m still a fan of Mayer’s music — a few misguided comment won’t change that — and I think we’d all be well served to take his statements and comb our own lives (as I’m sure he’s doing with his) and see if we can find any areas of unhealthy bias at could potentially slip out and have greater repercussions than Mayer’s comments.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Related Posts

What’s Missing From Our Relationships? Respect!

Do You Really Know Who You’re Texting?

The World Is Bigger Than You, Start Acting Like It

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Forget Pat Robertson, Stand Behind Haiti

Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Will Fail

Today marks the one month anniversary of the catastrophic earthquake that rocked Haiti, forever changing the country, its people, and those beyond its border whose hearts were broken with grief and sorrow.

Yet sadly, most people have forgotten about Haiti. Maybe they haven’t forgotten about it all together. After all, it is before us on a fairly regular basis. But, unless it first is brought to their attention first, they’d probably prefer not to think about it. Understandably so. As humans, we don’t like to think about that which hurts us. But if thinking about Haiti and what’s doing on there pains us, can you imagine how much more it does to those with whom it is a daily reality? They can’t turn off the TV, close the internet browser, or walk away from it. Enjoy the fact that you have that luxury.

I almost wish I didn’t have that luxury sometimes. I don’t want to forget Haiti. I don’t want to act like it never happened. I want to keep it all close to my heart.

The other night I found myself looking at some of the most incredible, heartbreaking, and yet even awe-inspiring photographs taken over the past few weeks. And I began to weep. I had no other real response. I was saddened and left wondering…

How can we so quickly we forget about things happening so close to our shores? How can we forget that people are needlessly dying, failing to receive food, water and supplies, and yet, somehow, miraculously, they are surviving?

Today, Anderson Cooper, on his blog, talked about why he went back to Haiti. Upon seeing the title, “Why I’m back in Haiti,” I thought to myself, “why did you ever leave?” (Apparently, the people of Port au Prince said the same thing.) Of the current situation, Cooper writes:

“The homeless are everywhere, the hungry are as well. They are still finding bodies all the time. Twenty-five people were shoved into old crypts in a city cemetery today. We watched the remains of a mother and her son being sealed into a crypt.

It’s not the kind of misery that makes for headlines perhaps, and clearly it’s not the kind of sorrow that demands a place on the nightly news, but it should.

There is more happening here than 10 American missionaries in jail… No one deserves to die in silence, and no one’s struggle to live should go unnoticed as well.”

While I know there are other things going on around the world — politics, economics, business and such — nothing grips my heart like the human drama that is unfolding before us in Haiti.

I don’t know if the best writers in the world could come up with some of these stories. Just yesterday CNN reported the story of 28 year-old Evan Muncie, who was rescued from the rubble after four weeks! And still alive? That, by itself is a miracle.

So Haiti remains close to my heart. It must. I cannot let it leave. The work to be done will take, not weeks, not months, but years, perhaps even decades. But as the Haitian proverb says, “Piti, piti, oiseau fè nich li,” (little by little the bird builds its nest).

[If you would like to donate, you can text “Yele” to 501501 to donate $5 to Wyclef Jean’s Yele Haiti program or text “Haiti” to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross. Both donations will be charged to your cell phone bill. Please donate now.]

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

Forget Pat Robertson, Stand Behind Haiti

The World Is Bigger Than You, Start Acting Like It

There’s A Reason She Doesn’t Respect You

Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Will Fail

Why I Don’t Want To Recap 2009

Is 2009 The Year For Extramarital Affairs?