Married Women Need To “Give It Up” (Sexless Marriage Series, Part 1)
If I hear of one more married, Christian couple that is not having sex, I think I just might vomit.
In the 10 + years that my husband and I have counseled and/or mentored married couples, I have become astounded over the number of wives that do not have regular sex with their husbands. My heart breaks for their husbands. I have heard every excuse imaginable – whether it’s not having enough time, being worn down by housework (not to mention that he (meaning the husband) doesn’t help with the housework or the children), needing to unwind from a long workday herself, being unhappy with her body, being repulsed by his body, working through resentment against him for something he did this morning, last week, ten years ago…I have truly heard some doosies – and used many myself.
But an excuse is an excuse is an excuse no matter how cleverly or eloquently phrased it is. And apart from 6-weeks postpartum recovery, other physical conditions that prevent a couple from being able to have sex, and/or damage resulting from abuse, truthfully, there just isn’t any excuse that holds up for a wife not “giving it up” regularly.
I know that there are those of you who will take offense at my terminology, but I don’t care. A sexless marriage is a crisis that deserves frank discourse, not flowery euphemisms. Here’s the deal: Sexually active men need sex often…not once a month, not once a year, not only on holidays – but often. Websites, books, television shows overflow with information about the difference between the sexual needs of men and women. Some wives (and even a few husbands) are like sexual camels, able to go years without sexual intercourse. But most healthy husbands need sex just to function. I can’t imagine that there is an adult woman breathing who is not aware of this fact. But just in case there is, let me make it plain.
Married women, have sex with your husbands often, in as many places as good taste, morality and privacy will allow, and in as many positions as you can tolerate.
There it is. Now having put that in print here’s the deal. As a wife of 14 years with four children of my own and an active ministry and career, I do understand the many obstacles that work against your sexual activity in marriage. Over the next few weeks I will address a few of them and share what has worked for me. Trust me when I tell you that a healthy sex life amongst married folks brings God glory. He is invested in your success and fulfillment in the are of your sexuality. Let’s take the time to explore what the word teaches us wives about being enthusiastic about sex in our marriages. Let’s also examine the lies the world tells us, too. Let’s hold all that we learn up to the light and see what we must embrace and what we should throw out with the trash. In the meantime, if this is an area of struggle for you, please take it to God in prayer. Ask him to grow you in this area. Then let’s see what he will do for us. Feel free to forward this link to as many married people, male and female that you know. The more we talk about it, the more healing we will experience. God bless.
Other Articles From The “Sexless Marriage Series”:
Five Ways To Prepare For Sex…When You Ain’t Feelin’ It (Sexless Marriage Series, Part 2)
Too Tired For Sex? Kill That Noise (Sexless Marriage Series, Part 3)
Recession Sex Is Healing (Sexless Marriage Series, Part 4)
Related Articles:
To All Of My Beautiful Black Brothers: You Are Loved And Appreciated
Gentlemen, Learn To Look Past The Booty
The Best Sex Of My Life: A Guide To Purity
Life-Giving Habits Worth Developing In 2010
News One
- Insurance Company Targeted HIV Patients To Revoke Coverage
- VIDEO: Obama Accuses FOX Reporter Of Interrupting Him
- Senate Passes Jobs Bill, Sends It To Obama For Signature
- 44 Detroit Schools To Close In June
- N.Y. Gov. Paterson’s Press Secretary Resigns
- REPORT: One In Eight Black Men Denied The Right To Vote
- Ethiopia Is Bridal-Kidnapping Capital Of The World
- OPINION: Is Abortion A Racist Plot? Of Course Not
- Prisoner Gets $100,000 After His “Grill” Is Ripped Out By Jailer
- Substitute Teacher Charged With Running Fight Club For Gang Members
Comments
21
% %
This is a very serious topic for me. I have been married for 7yrs and our sex life has gone downhill drastically. We have talked about why. At first, I thought something was wrong with me. At first, it was because of the kids. Then it was because of being too tired. Then it was she didn’t know why she didn’t wan to have sex anymore. My wife is a housewife by choice. She told me that she knew that it was an issue for me and was going to try harder. She did for about a month or so. Then things got worse than before.
I really don’t think about stepping out on my wife because I love her but being a church organist doesn’t help. I have had dozens of opportunities to do so. Especially when the persons know you are married and all they want is SEX and nothing else. I respect and love my wife and will do anything in the world for her. I’m running out of options. I don’t know what to do.
Ladies, this article says alot, sex to men and women is important in a relationship, if they did not have that chemistry in their heart, mind,body and soul, most marriages wouldn’t have occured, so that attraction or chemistry that you have with your spouse is always there; it never left, just dorment. For all the people that make excuses about he’s gotten to big, if you love him or loved him you need to tell him Why ??? He should be given that chance to change and you should be apart of that, because it’s always their if you care to love again. And for the ladies that are tired from work, the kids or other things, just remember “The Good Lovin Is Were The Home Is At”. So tell him how he didn’t even ask you “How was your day” but now he wants sex. If you say that!! I bet he’ll it up to you and then some just the way you like it. And last but not least, For those people that don’t have sex with their spouse for months or years at a time get some HELP!!!! Some guidance, spirital counseling, sex therapy, medical stimulants, something to at least try and get an understanding as to why? medical, mental or physical reason, because five or ten years just isn’t right. I read a Quote by a lady that said she made a deal with her husband that said she would stop nagging him 2/3 of the time, and start making love to him 2/3 of the time more, if he came home, which he did, gave her a kiss of pure love, which he did, spent one hour a day with the kids,so she could relax, which he did, that they would tuck the kids in bed together, which they did, and suffice to say he’s 4/3 happy = That’s 1/3 more love he found. So say to your “Honey” or “Boo” LET’S MAKE A DEAL.
I use deprive my husband of sex, I thought that it was something wrong with me because i did not want to have sex with my husband. I didn’t want to have sex with him because I felt that everyone was more important to him than I am. I also got angry when he touched me. But the more we got into the Word and allowed God to be head we started understanding each other. I now give it to him with much compassion and deep love
I loved this artical,you are so right,i think tinker44 misunderstood what you are trying to tell married women,your not telling them to be sex slaves,your trying to help them understand one of the Biggest reason men cheat on their wives, trust me,when a man marry you the last thing he wants to do is cheat,but like so many times when women are given good advice,even by other women they take it the wrong way,are get defensive,im not excusing men,because Lord knows we have our faults,But ladies I guarantee if you slept with your husband regularly,it will cut down on alot of this cheating thats going on in marriages,Plus your husband would be more inclined to do preety much what you ask him to do,because he will feel a sense of obligation to you,because you met his needs,and wants.I challenge any wife to try this,and see what kind of response you get from him.
I agree fully with this article unless it is some extreeme circ**stance like illness or abuse, there is no reason why these women should not be making love to their husbands on a regular basis. These are the same women who deny their husbands for weeks, months and in some extreeme cases YEARS sex and yet expect flowers, candy and their birthday and anniversay remembered. And after long periods of denial of sex they have the nerve to get pissed if their husband is looking at porn, other women or engage in an affair. Off they go to their girlfriends or mother about how “they have been wronged”. Take heed women who are guilty of this extreemly selfish behavior. If your husband wants to be no where else except the warmth of his bed desiring you every night after 2, 7, 10, 15+ years of marriage, that is a HUGE COMPLIMENT!!! If men wnet on stike about working and providing for you and the family as much as you are on strike about giving him the love and affection he needs from you alot of you would be homeless.
There is so much to say but want to get right to the point. I struggle with my sex life with my husband because I see him as less then attractive and so over he last 10 years as being sexy..I feel like he is so sloppy i the way that he presents his sexual needs to me. So I just don’t want nor feel like I want to give him any. basicly he is sickin and overweight and I can’t stand him on top of me…so please pray for me cause I need help really bad…
Amen, amen and AMEN. I have been married for 12 years, we now have three children and have to make or love life a priority! Thanks for putting this out there so plan! More married folks need to hear it!
ladies, i feel bad whenever i hear of married women make their husband go hungry. sex i know and during sex, certain hormones in the body are released that prevents diseases, invigorate the spirit for short. give it up alwyas
Something to think about
Ladies listen, 2 this ladie. What she says has light. If u women don’t get
With it. Single women, like me, become desirable again 2 ur men. & as much as I Hate the idea of adultry.
The next woman may not. & 2 the men & women, always remember: think of the “others” pride, ur stompin on, b 4 it goes on,
I think this is bull. Men are selfish beings who only think about their needs. Never the needs of the family. I’m tired of husbands whose only claim to fame is to jump up and down inside a woman all day everyday. No intimacy as long as he gets off it’s sickening. Treat your women the way God treated the church and maybe you can get layed on a regular basis. And as for excuses you don’t have to have an excuse if you just don’t want to do it.
If a woman has had a hard day at work or at home with the kids and her husband comes in talking about having some sex instead of asking about her day and offering some kind of compassion and understanding….heck no, she’s not going to want to open her legs for him. A woman needs compassion and how the husband approaches her is very important. If my husband came home talking about give me some before asking how I’m doing, he wouldn’t get none either (not right away)anyway.
I don’t feel it is wise to starve anyone in a relationship. If you do, they will eventually seek it elsewhere. I am a fairly attractive, monogamous man. My lady often denies sex as a punishment. I have to go out of my way to stay faithful. The older I get the harder it is to not stray. Being left always unsated makes my task all the more daunting.
This article is the truth and married women need to list to it. Or some other willing woman may take your place. Be a freak for your husband and be happy to do so. Stop making excuses! Or he will being to resent you, think you don’t really love him or he will step out.
You forgot to mention how often “healthy sex” means.
That means 1 to 2 times a week under normal times for a normal, healthy couple. (I need more, hehe)
If you doubt me, check out this thread on Men’d health:
http://forums.menshealth.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/230100665/m/7401032422
I adored your article ” Married Women need to give it up” I can only wish I had a husband that enjoyed having sex. I can honestly say, within the last five years, my husband and I have had sex maybe six times and that may be too much. My husband has shut me off from his body, totaly. He dresses and undresses in the bathroom, he doesn’t kiss me, hold me, touch me at ALL. I used to cry about it and ask him why isn’t it that we make love. His excuse is always the same, ” he doesn’t flip flop, when he’s mad. He’s been mad for the last five years over my son( not his) because he’s not spiritualy grounded enough to forgive so he holds that against me and cuts me off from him. I’m use to it now, I don’t even know if I would enjoy sex anymore. At times I get the urge, but it’s useless. We do still sleep in the same bed, he on one side, me on the other and never once does he have or get the desire to inch over and hug me. Its just a mess.
Amen to this…thank you for keeping it real and plain. The Bible not only talks about this in depth, but commands it as one of the keys to a healthy marriage.
I agree there should not be a sexless marriage, but as the wife why do we have to be the ones who make all the accomodations for the husband? Why when he wants it are we suppose to just give in (accomodate) for his pleasure and needs? And I am speaking on an non-abusive marriage in any factor. Why according to the Bible does the wife have to sacrifice for the husband especially with sex?
Help me to understand.
100% the truth. (oh & for the record this can go BOTH ways, where the husband is not sexually satisfying the wife as well) The majority of the marriages that I am well acquainted with that ended in divorce all have the husband sighting lack of sex as a large component of why the union broke down. Lack of sex is also why I have married men approaching me EVERY WEEK both on the internet & in person regarding discreet relationships (which I do NOT believe in nor participate in). I tell them, GO HOME to your wife & tell her that she is depriving you of SEX. Don’t assume she knows why you are having the problems you are having.
Ladies: this is directed towards you… CHILDREN ARE NO EXCUSE as to why you & your husband are NOT having SEX. You are using them as a barrier between you & your husband. You need to seek counseling help because there are generally some underlying reason why you are using your children like this.
I definitely agree. Wives don’t realize the position they put their husbands in when they won’t make love to them. The bible says that married people are not supposed to deprive one another, so why use sex as a weapon or control tool? THEN, not saying it’s right, when he steps out and another sister is tossing him like salad and he loses interest in his wife, then she’s the w***e, homewrecker, etc. but remember sexless wife, before you start calling her all that, look at what part you played in helping the “CLEAN-UP WOMAN”. Sex is one of the five needs of a man in a marriage (taken from the book HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS). If he is deprived of it, what is he supposed to do? Just like there are things a woman needs from her husband and when she is deprived, what is she supposed to do?
Christian Women, stop being so busy, acting so deep and passive and be that man’s mistress on the mattress. Because sadly enough, if you won’t somebody else GLADLY will.
Women don’t want to be just sex slaves there should be more to the relationship then sex!