Can The Ladies Pay Sometimes?
It seems that there are entirely too many stipulations and rules when it comes to dating and male-female friendships these days. Case in point: who should pay for what, when to call, who can call, and the like. And I, for one, can’t stand it. Is it really that complicated? Ok, it is that complicated, but should it be? No.
The main thing I don’t understand is this concept that some people have that says the man must pay for everything. Where does that come from?
I know men feel the need to provide. I understand it — I am, after all, a man — and that’s great, but does that mean that your girl can’t take you out to dinner every now and again? Does that mean that if you’re hanging out with a female friend that she can’t pick up the tab for dinner? Doesn’t she make money too? Wasn’t she all gung-ho about being i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t before you met and started dating? She bought and paid for all her own stuff then, right? So clearly she’s capable of paying for things… but why doesn’t she? What’s changed?
Any good relationship is all about shared responsibility. It’s about working 50-50 with the other person in the relationship. Why shouldn’t paying for food and activities be included in that 50%? I’m not saying that you have to split everything down the middle, but a little reciprocity never hurt anyone. Has it?
I know that there are some people, specifically some men, who flat out refuse to let a woman pay for anything. Honestly, that’s a pride issue. That’s your male ego puffing up and not wanting to accept anything from anyone, but especially from a woman. Get over it. It’s really not that serious.
For me, personally, if I’m out with female friends, we’ll normally go dutch and split it, or I’ll get this time, she’ll get the next. When it comes to dating, I’ll definitely pay for the first few dates, but once we are in a committed relationship, I would like her to share some of the responsibility and pay for a few things here and there. We don’t necessarily have to make sure that if I’ve spent $100 this month, that you’ve spent the same, but it’s more of the principle of the idea for me.
But that’s me. What do you think? Should there be reciprocity in who pays for what in a relationship, or even a friendship? Should it be something that’s discussed openly or just assumed? Why do men seem to have such an issue with women paying for things?
[For more from Stuart McDonald, check out his personal blog and follow him on Twitter]
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Comments
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I completely agree with this particular article. Whoever said that the man should be paying for everything is really full of it. I believe in reciprocity as well. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it should be split 50/50, but SOME RECIPROCITY WOULD BE GREAT!! Otherwise, I will be inclined to think that the woman is just not interested and she is just using me for a free ride.
I definitely don’t mind paying for the first few dates at all. But if the relationship involves into something much greater, then I expect the lady to put forth more effort. I don’t care if it is 50/50, 70/30, heck even 75/25 I’ll take. The bottom line is, a relationship requires a two way street straight across the board. PERIOD. Any woman that feels that the man should be doing EVERYTHING and she doesn’t do ANYTHING but look good is conceited and full of herself.
No, men shouldnt pay all the time, cause you have women out here who think men owe them something lol. ( and vice-versa)
I disagree that the man should pay EVERY time because that’s his part in “being a man”. There are more important things to do to show appreciate for your women then breaking out a freaking debit card. emotional support is more important than a dang meal. There shouldnt be guid lines on what a man and women should do for each other. Live your life and enjoy each other in what makes you happy. don’t set boundaries. I have no problem taking a women out but I sure dont have a problem with her taking me out either. It never was a big deal in any of my relationships. there are plenty ways to show a women appreaciation outside of a resteraunt.
yea @ Dainty this is my new 1.
@ DMY19151 tell these “herb” cats how it is. They don’t know what it is to be a man because they keep messing with these women with “young girl” minds. This article and DMY19151, said yea you can let you lady pay SOMETIMES. But I should be a “choice”. Saying they want 50/50 but not realizing that thats part of the MANS 50 right there–which is treating his lady. If you a dude that NEEDs a woman to pay, then my friend you need to hold your weight. Its part of being a man.
@ IndioLatino, that was silly on your part my dude. You young cats spend your time looking for “puppy love”. You said “But if she’s a person that has that standard of letting the man pay then she’s just out to take your money and use you”. ====LOL YOUNG CATS yal have so much to learn. If you were willing to go out with her, it was obvious that you were ready to spend some money. It is your job as a man to pay. If you can’t afford meals for 2 and a movie majority of the time, then why are you looking for somebody to commit to you? If you can’t handle the title of being a man then sit back and keep messing with little girls and stay a boy. Women are going to school and landing careers, it doesn’t mean that they should start wearing the drawers with pee holes. I could make this a long post but I am going to keep it as:
Da_J_Rok
11-3-2009 3:28 pm
“I kinda get tired of this debate…
A real man never allows his lady to pay “PERIOD”
We all know certain situations may prevent this, but the majority rest for men being the man and providing for his lady”
DMY19151
11-4-2009 1:14 pm
“YES THE LADY/WOMAN CAN PAY SOMETIMES…ONLY SOMETIMES….WHAT THESE HERB ASS DUDES FAIL TO RECOGNIZE IS THAT IT’S A TWO WAY STREET AND THEY THINK THAT THEIR MONEY CAN BUY LOVE OR RESPECT….BUT WHEN SOME/NOT ALL…WHEN SHE USES YOUR ASS TIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF…THEN YOU’RE ON SOME OTHER TIP…SUCKER…LET A WOMAN BE A WOMAN AND A MAN BE A MAN…IF SHE WANTS TO PAY…LET HER PAY SOMETIMES….YOU DAMN HERB!”
DaintyJen
“Why is he messing with somebody that wants to go out and spend money frequently? Is it that hard to open your mouth and see if this person is even capable of negotiating? He like many people these days, is ignoring all of that and he chooses to empty out his pocket and be a goofy. Once again, take time out to know who you are messing with.”
” Me paying for a man to eat or to see a movie doesn’t show my independence. Me letting him pay doesn’t show that I NEED him for anything. Men= provider/protector. Its all one big “symbolic” thing and isn’t about “falling for the 1 that pays”. ”
“The fact that many men believe that they have to spend soooo much money is ridiculous and are as brainwashed as much as these females that are money hungry.”
woman plz
if you love your man you got his back with more than support boo
i cook clean etc. for myself so i dont need a woman for that
i need a woman thats willing to step up and do half on bills
and sometimes the dating too
50/50 not just look beautiful when we go out
you know the saying there is no i in team!
Well in my opinion, it should be discussed before any dating can occur. I made the mistake of not knowing the in one of my encounters. But if she’s a person that has that standard of letting the man pay then she’s just out to take your money and use you. I’ve been there. I went out with this one girl a couple of years ago. She invited me to go to the movies, I was like cool. She knew I didn’t have a job.. But I had a few dollars in my pocket. Any who, we approached the ticket line and she did not have enough money to pay for the movie. so i ask myself in my mind “why did she invited me?”. it was embarrassing. she went back to her car and took money from some area inside the vehicle. I wasn’t thinking at this point i said “oh ok cool she got some cash”. I had like 20 bucks in my wallet and she had like 6 dollars or some change. the funny thing was that we went back to the buy tickets, we together paid but i paid the most. but i said OK let me see if she will take the change, to test her, if i told her to keep it. and she took it. anyways, it was cool we watched the movie and all. the next day, i was calling her baby or whatnot on the phone then, out of the blue she said “only friends”. so basically it did not made no sense because she was so eagered and interested in dating me at the beginning. and obviously she was just using me for some type of interest. and it kind of funny she went back to her old boyfriend saying that i did not have nothing in common with her. and next thing you know, she dumps the dude again. she was very confused or something. i think she wasn’t confused i think she was just out to have some fun and experience thing that is out of the nature with her. life is kind of funny though. That was a lesson learned.
PanaNYGirl answer was the best and most simple and to the point…for those who didn’t read it…
PanaNYGirl
11-3-2009 1:43 pm
I agree with you. This is the 21st century and it’s hypocritical of women to say they are independent and then depend on men to cover all the expenses all the time. Just as much as we like it, they like being spoiled every once in a while. It’s just fair to meet him half way. Some men are raised like that and it’s all well and good, what woman doesn’t want to be taken care of but it has to be returned.
PERFECTLY SAID! Tricks are for kids and it IS trickin’ if you got it!!!
I heard that @ BrothafromChicago (I was wondering what happened to your page) and DMY19151
YES THE LADY/WOMAN CAN PAY SOMETIMES…ONLY SOMETIMES….WHAT THESE HERB ASS DUDES FAIL TO RECOGNIZE IS THAT IT’S A TWO WAY STREET AND THEY THINK THAT THEIR MONEY CAN BUY LOVE OR RESPECT….BUT WHEN SOME/NOT ALL…WHEN SHE USES YOUR ASS TIL THE WHEELS FALL OFF…THEN YOU’RE ON SOME OTHER TIP…SUCKER…LET A WOMAN BE A WOMAN AND A MAN BE A MAN…IF SHE WANTS TO PAY…LET HER PAY SOMETIMES….YOU DAMN HERB!
Now when it comes to bills and a home and a family, its 50/50. But I’m old fashion, I like the homemakers with careers type. Since I like those types, I know its my job to be the “man of the house”. But I have no problem doing so because I know she can hold her own. Yal cats complain about women this and black women that, but its black women who are going to school regardless of how many kids they have. Give the black woman some credit and stop acting the “white man” and degrading her for other silly peoples actions. Just like women these days and how they need to mess with men that have a career and/or “providing money” (thats legal)—men need to do the same. Why do I see all these cats with babymamas that are 25 still pushing cash registers? You have low standards, you are going to be poor results.
Dainty you 1 cool Lady. “The fact that many men believe that they have to spend soooo much money is ridiculous and are as brainwashed as much as these females that are money hungry.”
I couldn’t agree more with that statement. If you spend so much money in impressing a woman then why is she somebody you want to keep around? Young cats and cats that weren’t raised by a strong black woman AND a strong black man….Get a clue
I’ve paid for my friend and I to go out several times, especially in the beginning when we were just getting to know each other. But once we got more serious he really didn’t want me to pay for much. I’ll get the popcorn or something, but he just feels it’s his responsibility. And I appreciate that he wants to provide for me, but really, in this economy….and we’re both parents and have kids to take care of….it just seems kind of silly to me. I’m capable of paying for us to go to dinner or a movie or something on occasion.
I have to agree with Da_J_rok. As a gentlemen I refuse to let my LADY pay, its old fashioned. But like DaintyJen says, “those days that you want to make him feel special” are very appreciated. I agree @ DaintyJen. When a man can look past the “azz and tities”, then you would be able to see if a woman is deserving of that. Don’t mess with a woman that you feel doesn’t deserve you giving her the world. Noticed how I and Da_J_RO said LADY. Many of you cats don’t even know what that is. If you did, you wouldn’t be on here complaining.
I also agree with LiquidSluggz on SOME aspects. But from a man that use to be married, us men are blind on MANY things that women do for us. The little things we take for granted through her eyes took a lot of work and time, and she felt like she was dong something nice for us. Woman be cooking and cleaning while having bipolar moments and other bodily feminine issues and dealing with out blockheaded asses. Its not because us men can’t..its because she knows that we like that. So spend a little doe and stop judging all women from “past experiences”. Women like to be treated like “princesses”. Asking them to not want to be treated that way is like asking a brotha to not be competitive.
However it goes, know who you are messing with.
Either way it shouldn’t matter in this day and age…BUT….It is funny and hypocritical how black women especially always harp that they are equal to men in every way, how men are insecure when women make more money, how women can be major bread winners while the men can cook clean and watch the children, independence…etc., but when it comes to MONEY – all of a sudden we back in the dark ages! Its always equality, until its not working in their favor. Women EXPECTING men to always pay is like men EXPECTING women to always cook and clean!! Yea, i bet that doesn’t sound good to women right now!!!
ummm @ my9get8. Me paying for a man to eat or to see a movie doesn’t show my independence. Me letting him pay doesn’t show that I NEED him for anything. Men= provider/protector. Its all one big “symbolic” thing and isn’t about “falling for the 1 that pays”. The problem is is that so many men listen to these loud mouth azz females talking all that “go gurl” nonsense, they take it and run with it. Females do it do! Nobody can really be themselves.
In the BEGINNING, like I said—And re-read what I said. The fact that many men believe that they have to spend soooo much money is ridiculous and are as brainwashed as much as these females that are money hungry. If you have a guy that keeps complaining about how he pays every time for this chick hes been with for SSOOOO long then that tells you about him. Why is he messing with somebody that wants to go out and spend money frequently? Is it that hard to open your mouth and see if this person is even capable of negotiating? He like many people these days, is ignoring all of that and he chooses to empty out his pocket and be a goofy. Once again, take time out to know who you are messing with. Once a relationship (when both parties agree to put a title on it and “claim” each other) is established, then of course a woman SHOULD pay. If she dont want to put a title on it and believes that you should keep on paying, then why stay? I’m the type of chick to go to the mall buy myself and him an outfit. Feel me? But thats a point me and him have to get to. We are able to get to the point because we communicated and were able to get an idea of where each others heads are at. I like to go out probably once or twice a month with my man. Majority of the time we put our heads together and find something else to do. But when we do go out, its something both of us agreed upon. I’ve never had any problems with this issue for every man that I’ve messed with. maybe because I’m a slight tomboy so i like kicking it with the “guys” and playing ball/card/bones and I hate chick flicks lol.
As far as all the other “stuff” you said about women depending on a man even when he’s abusive, thats obviously a psychological matter that she shouldve taken the time out to learn. She saw signs&got her feelings hurt and her azz beat a couple of times but chose to ignore them like many these days, but its her choice to stay. Abusive issues are sad but its time to stop letting those people that choose to stay–have it so easy. People period need to wake up.
As far as gold-diggers, that behavior is 1 that people can easily pick up on. COMMUNICATION goes a lllllloooooooonnnnnnnngggg way. A gold-digger can’t be a gold-digger unless somebody is enabling them. If you’ve been going out frequently for like 6 months and been paying. Then hello? lol
“Wasn’t she all gung-ho about being i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t before you met and started dating? She bought and paid for all her own stuff then, right? So clearly she’s capable of paying for things… but why doesn’t she? What’s changed?”
___________________________
LOL !!!
if she ACTS like a Queen and treats her man like a King, she’ll be treated like a Queen.
but U already know they aint the majority….LOL!
OMG DanityJen why is it that women love to scream I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. but are unwilling to pay for a simple meal or movie. Saying that you are independent doesnt make it so, proving it does.
I believe the screwed up part of all this is that many women get caught up in having a man do everything for them that they become dependent, and will settle for ANY kind of man that comes along, even if he controls and abuses you physically and/or mentally. Just think about it for a minute if you have a guy that says I pay every time, guess what else he is probably doing too, he is dictating where you go to eat or which movie to watch.
I personally already have a child so I am looking for some that can contribute to the relationship, not someone I tell what to do and when to do it. But I understand someone like a father figure as a spouse so it will take the burden of making decision off their shoulders…for example, guys how many times have you heard, where would like to go eat, and her reply is Oh where ever you would like to go. Thats the sign that you are dating a woman that whats to told how to conduct her life.
Ladies please get some self-worth about yourselves, and dont just fall for some guy because he pays for you meals
in todays economy, the practical thing to do is whoever ask a for a date first should pay first unless it is desputed first!
since more women are working in the workforce and more and more men are earning less and less, it is time for the women who complain so much about being alone to step up and take the initiative and show the guy you have your eyes and hopes on that you can be human and practical too!
i am not advocating that a female picks up all the checks but when you see a guy you are really interested in and he has not made a move on you, he is thinking about his situation and his ego check. in other words, money make the honey go round and if he is short on the money, he feels he doesnt stand a chance!
most women on a first outing pick the top shelf of everything because she thinks she deserves it- even though he doesnt know her from Eve on the street, and thats when men protective and stereotype ego jumps in and says ” another typical golddigger!” so men wont ask a woman out for a date unless HE can afford the loss when trying to impress her.
therefore ladies, take the charge and buy a guy you are lusting after a drink and let him get to know you first as well!!!
yes !!! just like how women want to be treated men love to be treated as well !!! if he deserves it then why not ???…..
I Been dating this girl for a while now she mad cool, down for a brotha but everytime we go out I pay for everything, got tired of it so I told her straight up we gonna have to go 50/50 on things from now on, even on a piece of gum
J/K but the bottom line is talk to your lady even if the topic seem out of place, that’s the only way you’ll find out what you got in that women, if you treat her right no matter what she aint going nowhere so quit being a sucker for love
OMG SO MUCH LOVE TO Da_J_Rok and I couldn’t agree more…
As a woman that can clean, cook, and “many other things” [lol], educated & has a top notch “hustle”, when I have a man–its my job to have his back and support him by all means. I know my role as a woman and the things to do to make a man feel special, but men have to know theirs.
A woman spending money on her man is earned. In a relationship yes a woman should pay at times (holidays, bdays, and days that you just want to make him feel special). But in the dating phase, a woman shouldn’t have to nor should she pay.
Peoples minds are so screwed up about this because people dont actually take the time out to learn about a person. Everybody is going after lust and games–then they want to get mad when they get “played”. These days, people drag problems from their previous relationship over to new ones. So many people start off with the mentality that “all men/women are on games”, they choose not to show just how good of a man/woman they can be. When a woman is a lady, treat her like 1! Its not the next womans fault that you chose to be a dummy and ignore the signs from previous experiences. Even if you are a good man and you were done wrong, its life get over it. Be smart not goofy. Just how women need to upgrade their standards–men should upgrade their standards as well and not make them all about a woman physical appearance. Start cherishing a mind/intelligence and not azz and tities (haha I’m listening to it as I type this).
but I never had problems with this so…yawn
I kinda get tired of this debate…
A real man never allows his lady to pay “PERIOD”
We all know certain situations may prevent this, but the majority rest for men being the man and providing for his lady
i think its a matter of IT SHOULDnt BE FORCED. if she is payin then its bcuz she wants to if he pays its cuz he wants to dont stand there and have dinner that u dont want to pay 4 cuz da means u dont even like her enough to pay hahah vice versa hahah or callin or anything else n so on n so on lol ppl funny these days atleast treat me how i will always be treated is wat i want dont treat me out until we
goin out n then it dont go pass that i dont only want to be took out dangggg.lol
I agree with you. This is the 21st century and it’s hypocritical of women to say they are independent and then depend on men to cover all the expenses all the time. Just as much as we like it, they like being spoiled every once in a while. It’s just fair to meet him half way. Some men are raised like that and it’s all well and good, what woman doesn’t want to be taken care of but it has to be returned.