Friends Vs. Girlfriends — As Men See It
Note: The views and opinions expressed herein may not be logical and/or follow any sound reasoning whatsoever. I want to attempt to help the ladies understand how most men view relationships. There are, of course, always exceptions, but ladies, understanding what I’m about to say could make your life drastically easier in the long run.
When it comes to relationships, most men, myself included, have two categories for women: you’re either a friend or you’re a girlfriend. If you’re not a girlfriend, you’re a friend. Yes, it’s really that simple. Granted, you may have different “varieties” of friends — you may have a “recreation buddy,” who’s into the same stuff you are and y’all just hang out a lot; you may have a “friend with benefits,” who is really a friend, but will give you all the physical benefits of a relationship without any of the emotional attachment. Depending on the man, he may have more varieties, but at the end of the day, they’re still under the “friends” umbrella.
If you’re a friend, we may be attracted to you, feeling to you, or crushing on you, but until we TELL you something, you’re still just a friend. We may hang out on the regular and talk frequently but unless we have stated our intentions, you’d be best to avoid thinking that there are any desires to pursue a relationship.
Do actions speak louder than words? In most cases, yes. In the case where you think we’re your boyfriend, but we’ve never verbalized the desire to be, no, actions do not speak louder than words. Our silence should say all you need to know. Sometimes one’s silence on an issue is more powerful than any words could be. This is one of those times.
If we don’t tell you that we’re interested in or attracted to you, you’d be best served by not getting too emotionally invested. Why? Because men, just like women, have a tendency to flirt. It’s easy to act like you’re in a relationship: you hang out, talk, hug, kiss, flirt, touch, cuddle, etc. And not only is it easy, but it’s fun! Who doesn’t like to have fun? What’s not easy is this: being honest, laying your feelings on the table and actually committing to be in a relationship!
When we want a relationship with you; when we want more than a friendship, you’ll know. There will be no “maybe” floating around in your head; no second guessing anything. You will unequivocally know. How will you know? Because we will say something! What a revolutionary, mind blowing thought! The blog, 5 Mistakes Women Make, that elaborates on how men act in this regard:
When we are crazy about a woman, we are no longer the reserved and non emotional creatures you think we are. We become a mess – drooling internally when we think of you. We would never want you to feel you are on shaky ground concerning your status with us. We will publicly profess and show you to the whole world. We will put up a picture with you in it as the our profile pic, tag you in all photos you appear in and most importantly make sure that our status box shows that we are in a relationship with you. Yup, that’s what we do when we love you – we say it out LOUD! And when we are out and about with you, our professions are usually crystal clear: ‘Meet my girlfriend, Sandra’ or ‘Meet my fiance, Sandra.’ Not, ‘Meet Sandra’ who is Sandra??? When we love you, we want the world to know that we love you.
I’ll leave you with one more example. Have you ever heard of a woman assuming that she and her man were engaged or married? Of course not. Why? Because in order to take that step into the lifelong commitment that is marriage, men say something. In fact, not only do they say something when they get engaged, but at the wedding, the vows, while a symbolic ritual, are also necessary because they are part of the legally binding agreement of marriage. Just as you can’t “accidentally” enter into marriage, entering a relationship should be the same way.
Ladies, it boils down to this: Regardless of what he does and the way he acts towards you, what he says will mean more. If you have to force the question of “What are we doing in this relationship?” that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes men just get absent minded and don’t think about such things. Sometimes. On the other side, if you continually allow yourself to be in friendships with no titles, men will see that and will take advantage of it. You will only be treated as well as you require.
Now, this concept seems simple enough, but somehow it so often gets twisted. What do you think? Guys, do you think this way? Ladies, what is it about this concept that makes it so complex & misunderstood?
[For more from Stuart McDonald, check out his personal blog and follow him on Twitter]
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Well, I started not to read this article in the first place because I know that all the answers Christians need are in the word. But it is up to the individual to take out the time to read and meditate to know the truth and God is truth so He obviously would know all the answers. Well, although I initially did not desire to read it, I wanted to see if the author had some wisdom to offer. Not crushing him as a person but “men”, referring to all people, can say anything. For the Christians who desire some true insight here it is:
Judges 16:15 says “And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?”
It would not take a rocket scientist for one to see that profession of love, intentions or desires does not equal the true thoughts of one’s heart. And only those of spiritual blindness could disagree with this fact.
Also, people lying about their true feelings is not a rarity. You can find in the bible where people did it to God quite often. If people will lie to God, they will lie to you.
Check out Isaiah 29:13, Matthew 15:8 and Mark 7:6. Mark 7:6 says “Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.” Keyword: hypocrites. Yea…they actually exist in the world. So for women who really want to know what to do I’ll give you some hints. #1 God will send you a man and you won’t have to chase after anyone. Growing in a relationship with Christ will give you the confidence you need to trust God to give you exactly what you need. #2 Proverbs 10:22 says that “The blessing of the LORD, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it.” Blessings of God vary and can be a range of things. In this case marriage is a blessing and having the one God wants for you is a blessing. Therefore, it can be concluded that God will add no sorrow along with the man he gives you. That doesn’t mean there won’t be issues or circ**stances…it just means you won’t have to go around..and excuse my professionalism…bein’ worried bout a nigga! #3 You will know he loves you by looking up scriptures to see what love is all about. For example, 1 Corinthians 13 talks about love also stated as “charity” in the King James Version. One of the things it says is that “love is kind”, which means that he will be kind, considerate and think of your feelings. This will lead him to being honest about how he feels about you. He will not play with your heart and leave you in the dark if he has goodness inside of him. It says that love “rejoiceth in the truth”, which goes back to sincerity. Sincerity is always clear and in plain view of the beholder. If you feel he is hiding something or if he won’t sit down and talk to you about what he wants or act like he doesn’t know, if he talks to you but doesn’t act out what he says..he’s not the one. Besides like I said, God will let you know but it takes wisdom to weed out the wrong ones. A good man will let you know upfront what he wants and what he is all about. Actions do speak louder than words…God’s word confirms it.
i think this guy has a ploy to steer women the wrong way. i say that because i’ve had a million conversations with women who say “well he said he loved me”, “well he told me he’d do this/that/the other”. ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. all the women who keep going by what guys are TELLING THEM, versus going by what they are ACTUALLY SHOWING THEM, always end up getting messed over. the key to interpreting it correctly comes in with the women actually being HONEST WITH THEMSELVES about what they are seeing in the man’s actions. Most are too caught up on the Romeo and Juliet thing to be real with the situation. So basically a guy says “oh baby i love you this, oh baby i love you that, you’re my world etc…” and then he’s free to do whatever and it’ll be ignored because… “well he told me he loved me, he told me he wouldnt do that” comes into play. Then an honest person like me gets to hear the woman talk about how she was with this guy for 5 years because he said “i love you”… even though HIS ACTIONS said the exact opposite. i feel like this article is directed more towards giving women a way of interpreting GAME then giving them some real direction into the way men think. i think it has to do with alot of women having low self esteem and just wanting to not be “alone” as alot of other folks have already mentioned. Use your common sense folks. A man can SAY “I LOVE YOU” everyday, or he can SHOW “I LOVE YOU” everyday. Which would you rather have? If youre looking for something real you first have to put the “game” and the interpretations of “game” aside, because a person you want to be with forever shouldnt be gaming you. they should be real with you. thanks for your time.
@ ej-da-kid. agreed.And this article is dead on.If he doesnt tell you,dont assume.
it’s not misunderstood. ladies already know this. what is wrong is so many ladies are desperate and suffer from low self esteem and have no relationship w/ god or trust in god’s word. they are not doing things his way. men can only get away w/ what WE allow them to. but they know.
the bible says in the last days there will be 7 women to one man and the women will be DESPERATE LOL “In that day so few men will be left that seven women will fight for each man, saying, “Let us all marry you! We will provide our own food and clothing. Only let us take your name so we won’t be mocked as old maids.” (Isaiah 4:1 New Living Translation 07′)
This is actually an accurate assessment of men….women dont understand the simplicity of a man…..but the other problem is most dudes ARE dishonest with women and say what they wanna hear…I however have found honesty, even if brutal truth, gets you ALOT farter with women…I will tell a woman straight up I only feel her sexually or physically and i dont really see anything beyond that…if they accept that then it is what it is if not…we can both keep it moving….too many women int he world to be lyin to a chick….
I can say I agree with almost every view on this page,but if we actually as men and women.Sit back and analyze ourselves first then we know exactly what we need and want without having to guess if she wants me for me or just as a friend. Like you say Communication is the key, but is it truly what your heart and mind asking for..friend..or relationship. I always tell people be honest with yourself when you ask for something because you just might get it and mess it up because you really don’t know what you want,just the idea is what you like.
@hipswang
“Whoever wrote men are from mars, women are from venus forgot about the millions who ain’t from either place and instead r from like pluto, uranus and wtfaven!”
That book was so dumb. ( Men are from Mars Women are from Venus) I read half of it then threw it away.
hells yes! Finally a man backs up what I’ve been telling girls for years! Uh duh – did he SAY that? Then u’re retarded for thinking it – lol! Um, I’m the same way – if I don’t say it, it ain’t so. I think that’s y I get along famously w/men and not so famously w/females I’m so direct it sends them in circles – y is this? what about the flip side to this however, where men just think they have all the say so bcuz they’re men? MANY a man has assumed that bcuz I’m a woman I’d AUTOMATICALLY want 2 b their woman whenever they decided it so – they “slip” it in during a simple intro “this is my girlfriend…” hell naw! I get indignantly angry – when did this happen and y wasn’t I involved in the meeting? So men do the same thing and very very often, if they’ve done a certain amount of what they consider to be relationship things then yall in a relationship as far as they’re concerned and w/e u do that they perceive violates the “relationship” is front and center in an argument w/ur NON-man! So i think this men do this/women do this thing is pretty off these days. Whoever wrote men are from mars, women are from venus forgot about the millions who ain’t from either place and instead r from like pluto, uranus and wtfaven!
@ Angilix
You’re exactly right…Explains why I dont date very often, or go out because men aren’t trying to just be friends they’re on a mission lol. Men/Women arent trying to hear anything an attractive woman/man has to say because they are too occupied at “Trying to Accomplish their own personal goal with her/him” They’re only into the physical attributes. dont get me wrong physical attraction is wonderful….but thats all it is and nothing more to it. Right communication is the key but you have some that REFUSE to listen and will try to emulate a friend lol
Date a white girl??? Aww man you better watch out..
CHANELL_ON_FIRE is ready to whoop your *** lol!!
@ Angilix
You’re exactly right…Explains why I dont date very often, or go out because men aren’t trying to just be friends they’re on a mission lol. Men/Women arent trying to hear anything an attractive woman/man has to say because they are too occupied at “Trying to Accomplish their own personal goal with her/him” They’re only into the physical attributes. dont get me wrong physical attraction is wonderful….but thats all it is and nothing more to it. Right communication is the key but you have some that REFUSE to listen and will try to emulate a friend lol
date a white girl??? Aww man you better watch out..
CHANELL_ON_FIRE
Nothing. Sheesh! I was trying to be funny and controversial with the belief that white women are easier to deal with.
angilix wtf was that suppose to mean find yourself a white girl?
@ Coolered.. You are so very right, my man! That’s exactly the way it really goes.. Only MY version goes – We pick, they choose, they spazz out, we split up, they stalk!
This is crap…women know what’s going on before hand. We may do the picking but they do the choosing. You can’t go in too slowly into a relationship, only too quickly. She is going to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, and with whom she
chooses; so relax.
Vertigo2001,
I think what confuses a lot of men, me included, is when they approach a woman they are attracted to, their intention is not to be just a friend or else they would never approach in the first place. When a man approaches an attractive woman she should be savvy enough to understand this (and most women are, and be clear as to what kind of friend she means. Otherwise, it will be interpreted as silly game playing. Like the article says a ‘friend’ to a man can mean many things. No man wants to waste a resources on a friendship that’s not going in the direction they desire. Sometimes a woman says she just wants to be friend, and this means she’s not interested in any type of relationship, or she could be stating a desire for a strictly platonic relationship. Communication is the key.
Fellas, don’t hesitate to ask her what she means by ‘friend’ in order to avoid hurt feelings and resentment in the future. Forewarned is forearmed. Personally, I say , hey this is the friend I’d like to be. Can you handle that? If she can’t. Find yourself a white girl. LOL.
It happens to the men as well. Intentions need to be cleared up on both sides but it’s hard when you two are havin so much fun hmmm. LOL
ej_da_kid
You have a mature and great mentality at 18 (:
Wow this is an interesting article. Women and Men need to go by this in approach to anybody. I as a woman actually go by this rule. I’m always being approached by men everywhere I go from school to the Grocery store down to work,even my apt complex, and they tend to misunderstand or disreagard as I say ” um Im not looking for a relationship or I just need a friend. Some men make it as if I’m obligated to give them an explanation about an “us” when I clearly specified there isnt an “us” to begin with, or they seem to disregard and respect my personal decision and continue against it anyway. And that is one of the reasons why I stay single…some…well MOST men misunderstand me lol.
I love to read about relationships from the perspective of men, I can usually find something that I identify with. Its nice to know that men WILL say how they feel once they KNOW that they care about someone! I do want to say that as a woman, we do get “emotionally confused” when it comes to dealing with “male friends”. We start off saying that we want just a friendship, but as natural givers, things usually “shift” once that friendship becomes physical. Now, yes, that is “our bad” for “a**uming” that physicality equates to love in a mans eyes, but, as men, honesty could certainly diminish most of that confusion. Why not just be upfront about what it is you seek from a person? If its just friendship(with no strings), say it. If it’s just sexual, say it, after all, some of us like to have the option to “just be” something other than a girlfriend or wife. If a man tells a woman what his intentions are upfront, then the female would be quite simple in persuing something beyond what has been layed on the table.
Ok. I know that i’m super young and most of you probly won’t take this seriously. But here’s how the 18 year old feels about this issue. I do believe that men should speak on their feelings. If a man really honestly likes a woman, he will be willing and able to do everything in his power to make sure she knows and the entire world knows. True, men can sometimes beat around bush and even set themselves up for failure with relationships. But if a man truly wants to be with you, he will let you know but its up to a woman to accept his proposal. Me, I go for the quality of a woman. I believe that’s what anybody, man or woman, should want the most in a relationship. Nobody wants to get tricked into a relationship or pressured to be in one. If the feeling’s mutual, then everything should work out. Also, unless the friendship level increases and feelings start to develop, then the relationship stays at a friend level. Period. You gotta be a damn fool to get in something deep and the expectations are low. What’s the point of that?
ha
well most men love to have assuming girls thats way they get w/e they want with the stupid excuse of “what we never said we are in a relationship” men that get caught in that situation of assuming girl know exactly what they are doing they know the girl is interested they do things that show the girl they are interested but they dont say it so that way they are not commited…
yall can say what u wanna say but thats the truth
if a man aint gonna tell me what he doin with me then he can go with the wind i aint playing no games….
I8ThaPussSoRite, sounds like you need to be more upfront with these women. If you allow these chicks to arrange dates without your “ok” then something ain’t right. You need to be real and speak up instead of letting people assume. If you let someone force you into a date then I can imagine you have some issues with being real about what you want or don’t want. So I can see why these women get mixed messages from you. Speak your mind and quit throwing out hints. Everybody doesn’t get hints. Say what you mean and then you will not have to deal with assuming women. Now you take notes. Speak you mind and watch the ASSUMERS dissappear.
First of all this is one man’s point of view. When I am with a man that I “really really” like (which has happened maybe 2 times within the past seven years) we get the relationship status thing cleared up early in the game. If he can’t tell me what he really wants then that’s an automatic strike three. If you can’t be real with me then you can’t even be a friend. I am not into guessing if he likes me or not. A real man will let you know what’s up either way. But many times actions do speak louder than words. And a lot of men have issues expressing how they feel even when they do really like you.
If I am kicking it with someone that I think likes me for more than a friend I have the decency not to string them along. I get that cleared up that I am only interested in being a friend nothing more. That gives them an option to either move on or continue to be a friend.
I don’t why these articles always want to make the women out to be weak, emotional, and quick to fall in love. I am sure there are men who have experienced this too.
Ladies, PLEASE take notes here becuz this shyt is 100 pacent. I’m tired of girls ASSUMING all the time its soooo fukin annoying, everything you do girls gotta break it down into davinci code or some shyt and decifer your actions and words, and then on top of her doin that ITS ALWAYS WRONG. I’m always being forced into dates i never arranged and girls assuming things im not interested in all becuz of their ‘davinci code’ mentality, and if it doesnt go their way ‘IM’ the bad guy. Naa buddy, your the dumbass for assuming and not asking or readin more into what I say THAN WHAT EVEN I SAID! READ DIS, TAKE NOTES!