Forgiveness Makes You Free To Love

Colossians 3:13 (New International Version)

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

I focus on forgiveness a lot, because it is something I am determined to get right. Once I found myself remembering a painful experience from high school. That all by itself gave me pause, because at the time, I had been out of high school literally for decades.  But when this memory cropped up, it was as vivid as if it had happened yesterday.

A girl in my class, who did not particularly like me, had thrown a party and invited nearly everyone in the senior class – except me.  I didn’t think too much of the slight initially because, quite frankly my expectations from this person were non-existent.  We didn’t know each other very well. She was very open about her distaste for me. We had nothing in common.  While being left out of the gathering was a disappointment, it wasn’t earth shattering.

The problem was when I encountered the girl’s mother at a school gathering days prior to the party. I greeted her as I customarily would any adult.  And to my surprise, she struck up a conversation with me. Shortly into it, she asked if I was going to be attending the her daughter’s party. I thought this was odd, because it was reasonably well known that her daughter did not like me. But what was even odder was her response when I told her I was not invited.  She smiled broadly said, “Oh, I’m sure that was an oversight.” Her words were kind, but her demeanor was condescending.

I didn’t know what to make of the exchange. But it hurt. Perhaps it was having to admit out loud that I had been left out. Maybe it was the fact that I was admitting rejection to the mother of a young woman who found new ways to reject me on a daily basis. A young woman who, when I spoke up in class, would let out an audible groan or a sigh.  Most questions I posed to her or comments I made were met with extreme rolling of the eyes, followed by loud sighs. When forced to interact with me, she would look right through me or look away completely – as if it were a burden to me near me. Her words toward me were often short and curt. Her demeanor toward me was hostile but controlled. The deliberate rudeness of this young woman wounded me, in ways I couldn’t even admit to myself back in high school.  Perhaps her ill treatment of me over the course of three years all came to a head in that moment I had to explain to her mother why I wouldn’t be attending her party.  I don’t know why, but until that point, I had never felt so humiliated by a peer.

Later that evening as I shared my feelings with my own mother, I cried. I remember feeling stupid for allowing a short exchange to ruin my evening. I felt like a baby for crying over something as trivial as being left of a list. But I cried nonetheless.  It wouldn’t be the last time I felt the sting of rejection – especially at the hands of another female. But it would show me the power of being kind to people.

At any rate, when this memory popped up, it was while I was studying forgiveness.  The pastor speaking was asking the group I was in to write down the names of any people we hadn’t forgiven.  Since two names popped immediately into my head, I wrote them down and mulled over the reasons I was angry with them. One was a recent incident where someone I had confided in had betrayed that confidence. Another was the wife of a friend who had been caught cheating after six months of marriage. Since those two people came up so readily and no one else came to mind instantly, I stopped working on my list.  I sat waiting for the next step in the exercise, while others around me continued to write. I even went so far as to pull out a book and start reading.

Then I felt a familiar tug that made me groan with dread. It was the Holy Spirit. I’m sure that it is different for every person. But when the Holy Spirit speaks to me, he usually starts by “tugging” on my heart. I don’t possess the vocabulary to adequately explain the sensation. But when he is drawing my attention to something or away from something, it feels as though a string is attached to bottom of my heart and someone is pulling on it repeatedly and firmly. That’s a really lame description, but that’s the best I can do. When I get that tug, it usually leads to revelation that I don’t want to know. Hence the groan.

Anyway, I experienced this “tug.” I knew better than to ignore it. So I sat quietly with my eyes closed, asking God to “get this over with.” The face and the name of the young lady from high school appeared in my mind. And then the tears started to fall. It had been years since I had remembered how she made me feel in school.  I had buried the pain in the name of “growing up.” But in his mercy, God the Holy Spirit reminded me that the pain of that “relationship” and all that resulted from that pain needed to be confessed and dealt with. And so I did. I am grateful to him that he brought it up at a time in my life when my maturity in him allowed me to see the whole affair from an entirely different perspective. I am grateful that I can be emotionally naked with him and have no fear. I am grateful that he knows my every weakness and uses this knowledge in my favor instead of against me.

I wasn’t able to forgive the young woman and her mother at the moment I first completed the pastor’s exercise. Doing so took much more deliberate work on my part. But I eventually did forgive them both. And I am free. I must admit that is it very unsettling to unearth the darkness in my heart.  But at the end of the day, I would rather know than not. To that end, I have revisited that forgiveness exercise regularly.  The Holy Spirit has faithfully unearthed other people and experiences that I need to address.  Sometimes he shows me how I have been wounded and need healing. Other times he reveals how I have wounded and need to repent and seek forgiveness.  I suspect that forgiveness (both extending and receiving) will be something I wrestle with my entire life. But I am grateful to have God’s word and his Spirit to grow me in this area. I can say with authority that true forgiveness had made me free to love more and better.  And if it does that for one person, it can certainly do it for another.

Be blessed Family!

Other Related Articles:

Before You Condemn Chris Brown, Check The Word

Manny Ramirez Knows What Real Forgiveness Is!

Unforgiveness: The Poison You Take

How To Talk To God In Four Easy Steps