What’s The Rule With Ex-es?
I had a dream last night that led me to think about how we relate to those we’ve been romantically involved in after we’re no longer involved with them and how should our friends respect the relationship that once was. In simpler terms — what’s the rule with friends and ex’s?
Let me give you a quick recap of what happened in my dream so this will make more sense: A group of friends were all at a movie together. On one side, I was sitting next to “W,” my ex (really, she’s not an “official” ex, only because we were never boyfriend/girlfriend, but we do have history), because we are still amiable. (I’m that way with most women I’ve had a relationship with. I don’t understand those who absolutely abhor their ex’s… but that’s another post.) On the other side of her was our friend “M,” who has, at some point, expressed some interest in her to me, but did so without knowing that her and I got as involved as we did.
So we’re watching the movie, and at some point I look over to see them all in each other’s faces making out. I immediately get a little ticked off. Not so much that I make a scene — instead I just get up and leave. (Now, I would say that, for me, that’s not a typical response, but having never been in the exact situation, I couldn’t tell you.)
I woke up wondering, first, “Why did I respond that way?” And secondly, “What is the rule with ex’s and friends and their ability to get involved?” The first is for me to figure out; I want to focus on the second — what is the proper etiquette when one of your friends is interested in an ex of yours? Is there certain protocol that is courteous to follow?
For some, dating an ex of a friend is completely off limits. For some, friends will bounce between ex’s like tennis, volleying them back and forth to all in their circle with no after or forethought.
Personally, if a friend of mine was interested in someone in my past, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. She (whoever she is in this case) and I are no longer together for a reason, so why should I continue to hold onto her like she’s not free to do whatever she wants? If they want to be together, why shouldn’t they?
However, from a friend’s perspective, some “heads up” would be an appropriate courtesy. I know if I was interested in one of my boy’s ex’s, I would talk to him first, and get his thoughts. He might have some enlightening things to say, and perhaps some warnings as well.
As friends, you wouldn’t want anything to come between you, and I can see how something like this situation would do just that. Honestly, if the man is truly my friend, I would assume he would share with me details about the women that he’s interested in, whether or not they’re my ex, because that’s what friends do, right?
That’s my thought — I’m fine with it, but a little heads up is appreciated. What do you think? Is it totally off limits? Does any “permission” or notice need to be given before the friend begins pursuing the ex? Or should whatever just happen and everyone will be fine with it?
[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]
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Comments
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Any man or woman who would date thier friends ex is a snake. There are a lot of people in this America. Too many people to be snatching up your friends leftovers.
If its someone you went on a couple dates with, that’s different. But if your friend is in a serious relationship, that chick is not for you. I wouldn’t hook up with my exes friends … unless we broke up badly.
Hmm, interesting post. I’m actually in the same situation. I broke up with my gf about 4 months ago, and during that period she slept with two of my friends (over a period of two months). understandably, she was lonely and I was on the other side of the country, and we got together when I went to visit. I learnt about it then and man it stings. It just feels like a stab in the back. Honestly, I don’t think i’ll ever get over that s**t with those guys, esp since they had acknowledged to her that I’d flip the s**t if I’d find out. It’d have been much better if they’d said something. F**ing snakes in the grass. So yea, from experience, I’d say stay away from friends’ exes, and consult first before you jump in.
I two have friends and that’s it. Dudes I grew up with and Loyalty is what we have and we would never cross that for no f**king female. It’s too many women out here for that. Any man in here with problems like this need to get them disloyal clowns and past ex’s out your circle. Being friends with ex’s F**K THAT!!!
I would not be comfortable with it! I know that an ex is an ex, and that I can’t control the behavior/action of another adult but it’s just too weird.I would not want to date a family member or friend’s ex either!You have a history with that person. I know that some people are cool with it,and feel like it’s whatever but I’m just being honest!
ONCE UR AN EX, YOU’RE JUST THAT!! AN EX.. LIFE IS ABOUT MOVING ON, NOT REPEATING AND DWELLING IN THE PAST. IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE THEN HE/SHE WOULDN’T HAVE F**KED UP!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE! (YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL ITS GONE)=)
Honestly, I’ve never been an advocate for hooking up with a friends ex. Even though what the author says is true about “breaking up for a reason so it shouldn’t be an issue” not everyone breaks up the same way or for the same reasons. There are always circ**stances that may not come to light. Personally, I’ve had conversations where my two closest friends have told me they wouldn’t care if I was interested in there ex girlfriends so long as I told them (which ironically I was into one BEFORE she hooked up with my friend, never interested in the other). But at the same time it depends on the breakup. Where as I wouldn’t about them hooking up with other ex’s of mine, there is one that is off limits. If you were divorced, would you want your best friend dating your ex?!!
some of yall women keep goin back to yall ex’s like a damn fool lol i just feel bottom line once there is a break up let it go if yall got a problem email me midwestkidd88@yahoo.com
my negus’s girl(s) have tried to get at me before…. but that’s outta bounds in my book….plus theres BILLIONS of womben out there to choose from U feel me
Personally I never had an interest to holla at any of my friend’s ex-gfs or current women that’s like G-code you don’t cross that line. Another situation I see a lot of is affiliates(once in a blue moon friends) trying to get at each other affiliate babymama/babydaddy that aint coo either….people so corrupt nowadays. Just lots of lust and envy…all over a quick a** nu** which last the most 5mins.
f**king behind a friend is jus nasty to me. if anyone of my friends had a nigga i dnt want him.
I see it like this in the pimp game ho’s get choose an pimp knock a ho an he get his ho an that pimp serve him to let him know that his women is with him but since dudes are square they’ll kill each other over a women like squares do.So you shouldn’t get with a friend ex at all because feelings like squares have would get involve an then you 2 would be killing each other over a women that can fuk with 2 more people at the end of the day while ya dead in ya grave.
I do not approve of friends and ex’s but this was your fault for not telling “M” about you and “W” when you had the opportunity.
Had you said something and they continued, that’s different. Learn to “Nip sh1t in/at the Bud”!
NONE OF US ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE EX-LOVERS THAT WE WAS NOT MARRIED TO AT ALL ESPECIALLY IF YOU WAS NOT MARRIED TO THEM BECAUSE FORNICATION IS A SIN AGAINST GOD,OTHER PEOPLE,AND YOUR OWN BODY AND YOU WILL DIE AND GO TO HELL WHICH THE 1ST DEATH AND THEN THE LAKE OF FIRE WHICH IS THE 2ND DEATH BUT YOU DON’T HEAR ME THOUGH.GO TO YOUTUBE.COM/4LOSTSOULSONLY TO WATCH,COMMENT,RATE,SUBSCRIBE TO AND SHARE ALL OF MY VIDEOS WITH EVERYBODY AND MAKE THE TRUTH GO GLOBAL FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES LITERALLY BECAUSE THE ”ELITE” BANKERS WANT ALL OF US DEAD RIGHT NOW BUT YOU DON’T HEAR ME THOUGH.
PLEASE! I would NEVER touch a friends ex…Number one thats nasty, I dont want to sit and think that this one guy had sex with both of us, did the same things with her that he does with me etc..uh uh, too..strange of a feeling..
And I REFUSE for my ex to even remotely think about dating one of my friends and vice versa…I WISH they would! No its not because I still have any feelings at all…I feel like its disrespectful and it would only make me THINK that my friend had the hots for my man all that time and vice versa about my ex…It would cause too much mental tension on my behalf…
I absolutely refuse to date any of my friends left overs- i mean ex boyfrieds/husbands/fiance etc. It’s not that bad out there that we have to start recycling men between one another.Last time i checked they’re still many men out there,alive and well from various ethnic backgrounds for the taking. As for everyone else, well technically the whole “ex” business means it’s officially over permanently( atleast for me it is) so it really shouldn’t matter or make any difference who the ex dates whether it’s your friend or not. It wont bother me if my friend dates my ex, because i’m done with him. However my pride won’t allow me to date my friends’ ex
Mr Mcdonald i love your articles, keep ‘em coming!
lol@ itskindadangerous2b3. Ok first you have to consider the scenario because that determines the answer. First off we are speaking as if we have some type of ownership over a ex or some type of title to an ex. “EX” = “PAST” relationship. Over, finish, history for that time. There are no rules or lemme say it like this. There is nothing you can do about it besides be jealous and try and be disruptive which just makes you look like a fool, so better to just get over it. Now with that being said, I said in the beginning the scenario determines the answer. Well if I had a friend, and he was a real friend and one of his ex and I had some type of attraction towards each other, Then my next move would be decided by the fact that a.)If he was still in love with her and she just didn’t want to be with him, then out of CONSIDERATION (keyword) not rules, I wouldn’t want to add insult to injury. But thats just me being considerate. It wouldn’t be WRONG if I did act on our attraction, because everyones not considerate, and we can’t expect everyone to be. But at the same time if she’s serious about not being with him, then I’ll give him a grace period of time for him to get over her and after that grace period…I’m going in lol. But he will know. Now b.)If there were kids involved then I wouldn’t. Not because of him, but because of the kids. I feel that a child would lose respect for their mom as well as me if they new that mommy was sleeping with daddy’s friend. Because in both scenarios it will only get sexual because i wouldn’t even take a friends ex seriously on a relationship level never. So in a nutshell thats the complicated answer.
There are no rules, it all depends on if your friend is considerate of how YOU feel. Because no one owns anyone and they can do what they want as long as they are consenting grown adults.
This may take awhile so grab your favorite drink, and throw on a little jazz. I was very close to being that friend involved with one of my boys ex’s. After meeting her only once, there was an immediate attraction. I think it was purely physical on both our parts. The biggest obstacle was that there are kids involved. So there would always be some uneasiness there. She is a beautiful woman, with a great smile, a lovely personality and can cook her ass off. Not to mention her body was splendid. Now to add insult to injury, me and my boy were roommates at the time. Now here is where the situation gets sticky. After that one meeting, she would make it a point to stop by the house whenever he wasn’t there and it was usually during the day time when i didn’t have to work. She knew that i was single at the time, and made it a point to find out my work schedule and cell phone number. How she got it i’m still wondering. I think my boy may have had something to do with it, not knowing her intentions. I never spoke to my boy about it because I didn’t think he was ready for that. So where does one draw the line on dating ex’s? Is it when children are involved? I can recall sitting down with her and letting her know about my attraction to her as she replied in kind and stated that she had already told her mother and sister about me, and what my boy didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. I think maybe that’s what made me think less of her, because of her willingness to be on the down low. If there is a playbook out there with ways to win a man over, then she pulled out all the stops. From the gifts to the home cooked meals being left at my place of employment, to the sexy notes with pictures attached, how i was able to keep strong and not be tempted, i have no idea. But i wanted her like no one else. Now, to answer the question. I would be fine with one of my boys dating one of my ex’s as long as they don’t flaunt it in front of me, and I at least get a heads up. But I don’t think I could do it. I think it’s just way too taboo for me.
I don’t think the article was addressing sexuality mr. itskindadangerous2b3 and even if it had that doesn’t change the argument…
I agree with the author as long as I have a heads up I think my friends should be free to pursue whoever they are attracted to. As expressed in the article relationships end for a reason so be happy your friends and exs are happy and you will be free to find happiness yourself.
It’s ’cause author was jealous of W(ex)and really wanted to get with M(friend). Face it man, you’re gay.