A whopping 42% of black women have not been married.  Here’s a question for the black women out there:  What are your standards when it comes to dating?  Check out this link:

The women in the ABC News Special are all very beautiful and successful.  Are they setting the bar too high?  Should they lower their standards?  What does that mean exactly?  Should they consider dating and marrying outside of the black race?  What it behoove them to consider the brother who works in the mailroom?  I personally have no problem with that as long as he has plans beyond the mailroom.  Are black women too smart?  My dad is a funny guy.  He used to say things like women are just too smart nowadays.  A man can’t be a man with a smart black woman. I would ask him, why did he want me to go to college and get an education if not to be…well…ur ra ta…smart?  He would respond with:  “See that’s what I’m talking about right there…too smart”.  Although my dad and I joked around a lot, maybe he was on to something.  I am all for education and career advancement.  However, do we as black women tend to look down at brothers who do not have the same view?  I’m asking myself the question as well.  Maybe we need to simply adust our standards and not lower them.

I remember when I had a “wish list” when it came to a man.  I wanted him to be a Christian.  I wanted him to be educated.  I wanted a man who did not have any children.  I wanted someone who was gainfully employed and financially stable.  My list included him having his own place, meaning a home and not an apartment he was renting.  My list also included him having a car because no way did I want to pick him up and drop him off for dates.  Now before you label me as shallow, this list was created when I was in my twenties.  I was idealistic.  I was a tad unrealistic too! I say that because I didn’t even live up to half the things on my list!  That’s so bootleg!

Sisters, if you have a list of requirements and yet you do not live up to your own list, doesn’t that make you a bit of a hypocrite?  I believe in setting standards but I’ve learned to live up to the standards I’ve set.  The women in the ABC News Special had their collective acts together!  At least that’s the way it appeared.  One thing I noticed the piece did not cover was black men and women dating in the church environment.  The truth is churches are filled with mostly women every Sunday morning.  The single brothers have so many choices it ain’t even funny.   Would it be wrong for the black church to set up a dating ministry?  Are we afraid too many people will become super spiritual about it?  What I mean is this, so many times dating in the church becomes some sort of weird over-analyzed audition of sorts.

I cannot stand for someone to tell another person “The Lawd told me to tell you, you’re going to be my husband or my wife”…If the Lawd did not speak to both parties then it’s a little bootleg and a bad excuse to make someone feel compelled to date you.  But getting back to the subject at hand…Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to do some sort of Holy Hookup of sorts in the church.  If guidelines are set up that clearly state that this is dating only and not a marriage proposal ministry, then maybe we’ll get somewhere with this statistic of successful black women unable to get married.  I’m not buying it myself.

I know there are a lot of brothers in jail.  I know there’s a percentage of brothers who are homosexual.  I know that there are a number of brothers who prefer white women.  I get it that there are lot of brothers who are using their entrepreneurial gifts for evil and not for good.  Okay what was my point?  Oh yeah, I’m still not buying that black women like the ones in this piece cannot find a suitable counterpart.  I agree with Steve Harvey who suggested they take a look at their realm and possibly date a little older.  Now look, Steve didn’t say the man had to be on oxygen support and unable to feed himself.  He only suggested taking a look at your “wish list” and making some adjustments and not necessarily lowering your standards.  Chile Please!

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Where are you from?
KP – Queens, New York.

Do you miss the city?
KP – Not terribly.  I miss the energy of the city.  I miss shopping.  I miss what I love most about New York.  It’s a great melting pot.

What was your childhood like?
KP – That’s a loaded question.  My childhood was rich spiritually.  And at times confusing because it was old school Pentecostal.  I had a lot of questions that were not being answered and could not be answered but I still asked them.  And when we were coming up children were supposed to be seen and not heard.  On the natural side it was challenging.  My parents split up when I was really young.  My mother was 22 years old raising three children alone in the ‘70’s.  My father died when I was nine years old.  My mother left my dad because he was a preacher in the church who left the church and backslid.

How did your dad backslide?
KP – There was alcoholism and drug abuse on my dad’s side of the family.  He was the only person in his family who was saved.  He had a real battle because he would go to church on Sunday and his entire family would stay home.  They didn’t do church.  He had an inner battle and it got to be too much for him.  He was a black man in the ‘70’s with a family to take care of and realized after the fact that he wasn’t really ready.  His dad died when he was really young and he had no male figures to really look up to.

What was the toughest time of your childhood?
KP – I remember being homeless and sleeping in my mother’s car when I was four years old.  I remember my mother would go to family members on my dad’s side and ask can my sisters and I stay with them.  Even if we could  sleep on the floor.  I remember them telling my mother there’s no room for us in the house and telling my mother she’ll be fine.  I remember my mother bundling us up in coats with tears in her eyes and taking us to sleep in the car.

How did that experience shape you as an adult?
KP – As an adult, I have to be honest and say that there’s not much that I’m afraid of.  But I work the way that I do because I have a bit of fear of homelessness.  I have to believe God to deliver me from that.  I have such a vivid memory of being homeless.  I remember I would not get my nails or hair done unless I had a show because I felt like it was money that did not need to be spent.  I’m talking about Kelly Price, “The Soul of a Woman” record.  I would have to give myself a reason to go to the mall and shop.  I don’t splurge shop.  I have too much in my closet to spend money on clothes.

How did you meet your husband?
KP – I met Jeffery when I was 13 years old at the state youth convention.  We were friends for years.  We would see each other during the conferences held throughout the years.  It was a different day.  When I saw him it was because we were in church somewhere.  He would come to wherever I was singing.  I always had a lot of guy friends and he was one of my really good guy friends.  It shifted when I turned 16 years old.  We talked to each other about things we couldn’t talk to other people about.  My family was homeless again when I was 16 years old and Jeffery’s mother was in the hospital with breast cancer.  Back then you had to have a physical address to be registered in school or the state would take you from your parents.  I had to keep it a secret.  Jeffery knew that mother and I were bouncing from house to house.

When did you know you were in love with Jeffery?
KP – I knew pretty quickly.  After being his friend for so long…my family bounced around for about five or six months with no place to live.  During that time his mother died from breast cancer.  Throughout her sickness and my homelessness we got closer and closer.

Tell me about getting pregnant at an early age.
KP – I look at my son and I do not regret my son.  I will never let some over religious, super pious, lying individual and I say LYING (all caps) make me feel guilty about my child.  I say that because it takes a lot of nerve for someone to act as if they’ve never sinned.  My grandfather is a COGIC bishop.  It was difficult.  I think I was more concerned about my grandparents being disappointed in me.  No one talked to me about sex.  My mother didn’t talk to me because no one talked to her about sex.  Much of what I learned I learned from school and television.

Did anyone in the church try to convince you to abort?
KP – No one tried to get me to abort.  But I was silenced and sat down.  It was desired that I get up and apologize before the congregation.  I have a girlfriend who’s father was her pastor and she got pregnant and she had to get up and apologize in front of the church.  I said absolutely not.  I sinned against God and not the church.  I bucked a lot of things growing up.  I got slapped in the mouth a lot.  If you couldn’t show me in the bible where I owed the church an apology then I wasn’t going along with it.  I owed God and my grandparents and my mother an apology.  I was involved in the music department.  I only did that because my grandfather said I had to.  As the preacher’s kid you did not have options.  But I had to sit down and not direct the choir any longer.

How did you get discovered as a singer?
KP – I had a dear friend name Darryl Douglas.  He was an incredible song writer and arranger.  He would use me to demo his songs.  One thing led to another.  There was another session singer who sang for Luther Vandross.  Her name is Cindy Mizelle.  When she was getting married, she asked Darryl to do all of the music for her wedding.  There were a lot of executives at her wedding.  At that time, George Michael came to New York to do an east coast tour.   He was looking for a great choir to back him up.  Cindy put in a call to Darryl who then called me and some others.  There were about 10 or 12 of us.  We showed up to Madison Square Garden and sang behind George Michael in January of 1992.  In February of 1992, Mariah Carey needed a choir for her Grammy performance and once again we got the call.  Long story short, Mariah was three hours late for rehearsal.  I just found out I was pregnant and I was sick as a dog.  We were on a break and I stayed around the rehearsal hall and started singing around the piano with my back to the door and Mariah Carey walked in and stood there and listened.  Someone told me Mariah was standing at the door listening and I shut up immediately and walked away from the piano.  I didn’t want anyone to believe that I was trying to be heard.  When the rehearsal was over I was preparing to leave, Mariah sent one of her background singers to me and he tried to get me to start singing again and I said no at first but then I started singing and she was hiding behind a pole listening.  Tommy Mottola arrived and heard me and said I’m going to make you a star.  I had no idea who he was at the time.  I looked at him and said “really” (dripping with sarcasm).  That’s how it all started.

How did church folks respond to you singing secular music?
KP – Are you kidding me?  According to them I was probably going to hell faster for singing secular music then for being pregnant.  That’s amazing to me.  My observation of the scripture that says having a form of godliness but denying it’s power…it came to life for me.  It’s been so clear that if you keep the form of godliness in public people really don’t care how ragedy your life is behind closed doors.  As long as you don’t do anything that brings them to shame.  I don’t have a problem doing what I do because I am the same Kelly in secular venues as I am in church pulpits.  I speak Jesus at my R&B concerts.

How have you been received by the Gospel music industry?
KP – It’s been a mixed bag.  Everyone at first was overjoyed.  Some of that joy turned to dismissal when people realized that I was not willing to make the announcement that they wanted me to make.  That announcement was for me to say that I was wrong for all of the years that I sang R&B and that I had been converted and that I would never sing R&B again.  I refused to make that statement because I didn’t backslide to sing R&B.  Doing  the gospel album that I did and touring with gospel artists opened my eyes to a lot more than I even cared to know about people who sing gospel music.  We need to be careful about what we’re allowing our young people to listen to.  I say that because I’ve been on the road with a lot of these people and just because the genre is gospel doesn’t mean that the music itself is.  Just because people call themselves gospel singers, that’s just a title and doesn’t mean they’re living a sanctified life.  Check my life.  Chile Please!

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I’m the only girl and the youngest child with four older brothers.  My mother made sure we had chores, did our homework, and participated in after school activities, like sports and Youth and Government. 

My brothers and I were not allowed to be lazy.  We even had summer jobs and sometimes part-time jobs during the school year.

I’ve been watching “Fantasia For Real” on VH-1.  Last week I wrote a review for the show:  Reality Show Review:  “Fantasia For Real”.  Fantasia’s brother “Teeny” seems to lack a sense of reality.  More importantly he seems to be down right lazy.  He wants his sister to support his lifestyle while he test drives sports cars, takes his girlfriend out, and sleeps all day.  I will share that I just signed my final divorce papers roughly a week ago.  Just so know where I’m coming from.

It is no fun as a woman being the sole provider for the entire family.  It’s trying.  It’s draining.  It’s out of order.  On my drive to and from work, I often see young Latino men on the corners selling fruit, flowers or even toys.  I see them at Home Depot, waiting for someone to ask them to come and fix something in need of repair, paint, put up some dry wall, or even mow the lawn.  When I go through the drive thru at just about any fast food restaurant (not that I’m eating out like that every day), I often see them behind the register.  I have asked myself (especially in this economy) where are the black men?  Are they too good for these jobs?

Recently, I posted on my Facebook page that I was looking for black post -production supervisors and post- production coordinators for a television show.  I reached out in particular to a black man, whom I know to be out of work.  I know that he has done the job as a post -production coordinator in the past.  I said, I need your resume ASAP to give to the Post Manager.  He responded, “Absolutely!”  Folks, that was last Friday.  Today is Wednesday.  I still have not received is resume!  I have not called him back.  I can only guess what the excuses will be.

Let me tell you point blank what laziness is.  It’s making excuses instead of making things happen.  If you have NO JOB at all, why are you too good for a retail job, fast food job, or even a entry level clerical job?  And for all of the black men out there who are entrepreneurs, I applaud you…Only if you’re not just throwing money at hair-brained schemes and get-rich-quick ideas.  Only if you’ve done your research, sought counsel and won’t financially rape the household you’re in to “try out” your idea.

It grieves me that so many black men are still expecting someone, namely women to take care of them, and support them all of the time.  Let me be clear…being a supportive woman in a man’s life does not mean we have to go along with every single thing you come up with.  I remember when a man I know, who had a family wanted to start a fish market.  The following week he wanted to open a soul food restaurant.  Oh and then there was the time he wanted a courier service.  It’s great to be enterprising.  To have the mindset of being in charge of your own financial destiny.  But it’s foolish and down right lazy if you do not do your homework.  It’s even worse if you are not passionate about what you’re trying to accomplish.  If you’re only doing it for money, then get any job until you can find your niche, so that your wife doesn’t burn out and your children don’t starve.  Chile Please!

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What’s in a name?  I’ll tell you what:  A job!  My name is Tarvenia.  What’s a Tarvenia?  Where did my parents get that name? Well my mother has told me that when I was born she really wanted to name me Sabrina.  That sounds normal enough right?  I thought so too.  Somehow though, after having me, my mother tells me that she couldn’t think of Sabrina to save her life and that the only name she kept saying is Tavena.  She shared this Tavena name with the nurses at Beth Isreal Hospital in Newark, New Jersey circa 1971 and the nurses thought it was a cute name but thought it would be great to add an r and an i and thus I became    Tarvenia No Middle Name Eddings.

You can imagine what it was like to grow up with a name that’s not even a normal black name like Tanisha, Precious or Raheem.  I appreciate it that black folks like to give children very unique and interesting names.  But my question is are we hurting our children by doing this?  I remember when I got started working in reality and non-scripted television.  I would send my resume out with Tarvenia Jones (married name) and the response would be crickets.  I wondered what was the problem and decided to try a little experiment.  I sent my resume out with simply T. Jones along with my list of credits and viola!  I could hardly believe the response.  I was called for several interviews because T. Jones on a resume is not black, white, male nor female.

Do I agree that a name should matter when you’re qualified to do a job?  Absolutely not.  But the experiment proved that there was something in a name.  I was offended that the same companies I sent my resume to with Tarvenia Jones only responded when I sent my resume with T. Jones.  I do have a confession, I’ve used it to my advantage.  I use T. Jones as my professional name now.  I actually like the ring to it.  Some people say T. Jones Who?  Like Mike Jones!  I get a kick out of that.  But do you know what I really get a kick out of?  A paycheck!  A career!  Taking care of my ever growing son.  Those things give me the giggles.

Again I ask, what’s in a name?  Do we do our children a disservice when we name them Barackalina?  Do they stand to benefit from a name like Liquidasia as if they were born in a bathtub or something?  Does putting Mocha Latte Jones on a resume encourage employers to call them?  When I was pregnant with my son, my  almost ex-husband and I were thinking of names and I said Joshua.  He said that’s not black enough.  I told him well excuse me but Mufasa is taken and so is Kunta Kente.  We decided on Joshua Tyler Jones.  It’s a name you can put on a resume.  Some folks may not like that but it’s the truth.  I’m still very proud of my name Tarvenia.  I even gave it a meaning.  I tell people it means something deep like “black flower”.  When in truth it has no meaning.  My mom made it up with the help of some nurses 38 years ago.  Chile Please!

A woman in Florida decided to hurry the “til death do us part” of her weddings vows.  Dalia Dippolito, 26 years old was married to her husband, Mike, for six whopping months before she decided,”Well this has been real, but I think I’ll go ahead and hire a hit man to end this marriage before the good times last too long!”

I’m a late night TV watcher.  I like to catch stories on CNN and MSNBC.  So I’m up late a few nights ago watching Nancy Grace and the story is about this woman Dalia.  Now the thing that makes this a hot mess is not only did she try to” off” her husband, but the entire thing is on tape!  Yes, video tape.  But what makes this story even more outrageous is Dalia didn’t realize the hit man she thought she hired was actually an undercover detective who got wind of her plot via the streets!

The hit man (undercover detective) agreed to go into the family home that Dalia shared with her husband and kill him and make it look like a robbery, while Dalia was conveniently at the gym.  The police then staged a crime scene, complete with yellow tape and plenty of onlookers and police officers.  When Dalia came home from her work out at the local gym here’s what happened next:

Someone should give that girl an Academy Award for that crying performance.  But my absolute favorite part is when the jig was up!  The police inform Dalia at the police station that she can cut the act now because the hit man she thought she hired was actually an undercover police officer and that she’s going to jail for the solicitation of first degree murder.  But Dalia stayed in character and refused to admit that she actually tried to have her husband of only six months killed.  My girl Dalia continued to deny deny deny!  Check out the video:

The officer interviewing Dalia was so annoyed with her that it made me laugh out loud for real when he told her she’s going to jail and she kept denying it.  I have been asking over and over again why do people behave this way?  What makes someone want to do something so foul?  The reports are that Dalia wanted to kill her husband so that she can have the townhome they shared all to herself.  Seriously, all of this for a townhome?  When the police officer revealed to her that her husband was actually alive and well, Dalia took her acting abilities to a new level, screaming “Mike, come here” as if she could just explain and this would all go away.  Chile Please!

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Control – According to the dictionary:

1.  To exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2.  To hold in check:  curb.

3.  To eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of.

4.  To check or regulate.
This past week, R&B/Hip Hop singer, Mary J. Blige was accused of smacking and or punching her husband  Kendu Isaacs at her album release party “Stronger With Each Tear”.  See viedo:

Though from the video it’s very difficult to see anything definitive in the way of a hit or a punch, however it’s clear there was some sort of dust up.  The fact is Mary and her husband Kendu have both professed Christ as their Lord and Savior.  What happened?  I guess we can all ask the same question to Bishop Thomas Weeks and Juanita Bynum.  These are two people who are supposed to be pillars in the faith.  So what happened?

I’ll tell you what happened, someone wanted more control over the other person than they felt they had.  Violence between adults  is usually a result of someone not getting their way and deciding to have a grown up tantrum’.  Why is it so hard for two adults to disagree without being disagreeable?  Sometimes it has to do with good old fashioned jealousy in a relationship.  See #3 under the definition for the word control.  When someone feels threatened by the success of their life partner, they sometimes act out in this manner.  In other words, how dare you flourish and spread your wings and fly while I’m still trying to figure it all out?

I’m not sure what happened at the album release party between Mary J. Blige and her husband, Kendu Isaacs, but I do know from experience that intimidating words or threats and even physical violence is all about control – either a lack of or a need to dominate the other person – see # 1 under the definition for Control.

R&B singer, Chris Brown is fighting to rebuild his image and career after his very public split from singer, Rihanna.  Chris Brown has seemingly accepted responsibility for his role in why Rihanna’s face went from easy breezy Cover Girl to this:

If we are really loving each other the way that the word of God teaches us then why are we behaving like heathens and beating each other up?  I’ll tell you why!  Because I personally don’t believe most of us take the word of God as seriously as we claim.  We have become so conditioned to simply justify our behavior or to excuse the behavior of others who act in such a violent way.  I have read so many mean spirited charges at Rhianna because she was beat up by Chris Brown.  Most of the things I’ve read or heard have come from other women claiming Rihanna is just trying to pump her new CD and capitalize off of being beat up.  Really people?  Have you ever been hit by a man with an open hand or a closed fist?  Do you truly understand what that does to your mental and emotional stability?  I doubt it or you wouldn’t spout such foolishness.

Have you ever had your wife smack you and threaten to kill you because you had the nerve to disagree with her?  That does a number on the trust factor in a relationship.  Chile Please!  If we can all learn to first maintain our own self control we wouldn’t feel the need to try and control the actions or even thoughts of others.  Grow up people and understand that it’s okay if someone doesn’t see things your way all of the time.  Chile Please!

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Anyone can be a father but it takes a man to be a dad.  This week I’m going to expose some personal things about myself just a tad.  Usually my blogs are meant to make you laugh and give you a little chuckle.   However, this week I want to discuss something that has an impact on millions of adults.

When children grow up without a solid, loving, God fearing, balanced dad in their lives, a lot of times they become insecure, unstable, confused and unbalanced adults.  So many of us black women have had to make “I’m a strong black woman” our mantras just to survive and convince ourselves we can in fact do anything.  Some are going to disagree with what I’m about to say but the truth is we can do a lot of things but we cannot teach a young black boy how to be a real man.

There’s a saying I often use.  Wanna hear?  Here it go:  ‘Mothers usually raise their daughters and love their sons’.  What does that mean?  It means in a lot of black single mother families young daughters are taught very early on how to fend for herself.  We are taught to cook, do our own laundry and most times cook and clean for the entire family.

I am the youngest child and the only girl.  I have four older brothers.  My mother taught me very early on how to take care of myself.  She told me that I would need to be prepared.  She planted that seed early because of her own experience.  What she was telling me without saying it was to not expect a black man to remain in the picture for very long.  My brothers were fairly independent, but my mother always went that extra mile for them to make sure they had what they needed to get through school and life in general…even into adulthood.

Now let me make this clear, my mother was and is very loving to me.  She did everything she could to ensure that I was more than taken care of.  However, for my brothers she always went the extra, extra mile.  I asked her once when I was grown enough to ask her, why did she always run to my brothers’ rescue when they were in financial trouble or having emotional issues due to relationships or career decisions.  She told me well, Tarvenia, you’ve always been able to take care of yourself.  I told her because you taught me to early and often.  Why not teach them the same thing.  She said well your dad wasn’t around much for them.  I told her he wasn’t around for me either.  I cut my mom some slack because even she could see the importance of having a dad in the picture.  Yes she overcompensated for my dad’s inconsistency, but she was really doing the best she could and I will never ever fault her for that.

Now that I’m good and grown as my mom would say and I have a son and an almost ex-husband of my own, I see clearly my mom’s POV (Point Of View).  I’m doing my best to raise my son so that he will one day be an excellent man.  But the truth is I cannot teach him to be a man, simply because I am not one.  I want his dad to be more consistent in his life.  I want his dad to see the importance of making it to his singing events and his upcoming piano recitals.  I am trying to impress it upon his dad’s heart to call him more and pick him up and simply take him to the park.  The park is free!  I’ve offered him money when he said he was strapped for cash, his pride made him say no he cannot accept “that money”.   When he says he doesn’t have enough gas in his car to come and pick him up I’ve offered to bring our son to him.  Most times I’m met with an “I’ll think about it”.  Pride is an ugly thing because it deprives someone else of you.  My son could careless about money.  He only wants to spend time with his dad.  He often asks for him and wants to talk to him.  Being a man means you will go to the ends of the earth for your child(ren).

One of my brothers understands this in a major way.  He would get off of work on Friday evenings while living in New Jersey, get into his car and drive the four hours to Maryland to pick up his three sons and drive back to New Jersey for the weekend.  Or he would get a hotel room and spend the weekend in Maryland with his boys.  Come rain or shine.  There’s no excuse.  NONE!
I will say this in closing to all of you who have children and you know you have not done all that you can to be a part of their lives because you are so sure that the mom is taking care of it all…stand up and be a man right now.  Do not allow your child(ren) to grow up without your consistent presence.  Be a man and teach your young sons how to become men.  The word man itself should mean responsibility.  There are no magical elves who are going to come along and teach your son how to be a man.  Chile Please!

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According to the laws of the land, the accused are innocent until proven guilty. However, certain crimes are so heinous in our society that we instead deem them GUILTY until proven innocent. And if perchance they’re not perceived to be proven “innocent enough,” then in the public eye they remain guilty.

In 2006, a fatal car accident almost lead to serious vehicular manslaughter charges for R&B starlet Brandy Norwood. Though never convicted, Michael Jackson was twice accused of child molestation. Now, in the realm of gospel music, we have a example of narrow escape with gospel singer BeBe Winans. BeBe, born Benjamin Winans, was arrested in March on charges of assaulting his ex-wife Debra in front of their two children during an argument regarding child custody.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Yesterday, BeBe’s representatives released a statement that all charges against the singer had been dismissed with prejudice. “Dismissed with prejudice” means that not only is he cleared of the accusation, but the plaintiff is barred from filing new complaints based on the same event. The statement is as follows:

Gospel singer BeBe Winans has been exonerated of all charges of allegations that he assaulted his ex-wife Debra Winans. Judge Gloria Dumas of the General Sessions Court for Metropolitan Nashville-Davidson County signed an order on Friday, December 4, 2009, dismissing all charges with prejudice. With this order, this domestic matter is over and cannot be reopened.

“This has been a trying year, beginning with the death of my father,” says Winans. “Even though this allegation has affected not just me, but also the entire Winans family, my children and certain aspects of my career, I chose to stay quiet because I knew the truth. To be exonerated of all charges shows the power of trusting in God, and is a wonderful Christmas gift for me and my children.”

On February 13, 2009, the Grammy Award winning singer was accused of allegedly shoving his ex-wife to the ground during an argument. Court filings stated that the alleged altercation was based on custody issues dealing with their two children. Winans was arrested on March 11, 2009 on a misdemeanor domestic assault charge and was briefly held at the Davidson County jail before posting $1000 bond.

During the media frenzy, Winans maintained his innocence all along, choosing to take the high road, never responding to his ex-wife and allowing justice to prevail. The allegations, however, have stirred up a fire inside Winans to begin a persistent effort to fight for the father or the man who may be going through the same struggle. “This situation has made me a changed man,” says Winans. “But it has also helped me see that there needs to be legislation that protects the rights of fathers when it comes to the custody of their children. All men are not deadbeat Dads, all men are not abusing women. And it’s unfortunate that the legal system and society assume the worst before they hear the truth. My children are my first priority and I want and need to become the voice for the men around the world who are doing the RIGHT thing!”

The statement came ironically on the eve of the release of embattled pop star Chris Brown’s album Graffiti, his first since the fallout from physically abusing then-girlfriend Rihanna. It stands to reason that we can gauge by the album’s success the effect a stigmatized offense such as domestic violence against women can have on a man’s celebrity.

Since the arrest, BeBe has maintained his innocence and chosen not to respond to any of his ex-wife’s statements. Instead, he rejoined with his sister CeCe to focus his efforts on the first BeBe & CeCe Winans studio album in 14 years. Despite the cloud of accusations, Still topped the Billboard Gospel charts as well as peaking at #2 on the Billboard R&B charts when it was released in October.

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

In connection with Chris Brown’s altercation with Rihanna, Oprah Winfrey famously took a stand against domestic abuse choosing not to support any man who would abuse a woman. In November, Debra Winans publicly expressed her disappointment with Winfrey for taking exception to her stance on abuse by continuing to have BeBe as a panelist on her talk show’s feature Oprah’s Karaoke Challenge.

Although BeBe was never convicted of the charges against him, the appearance of favoritism and hypocrisy was enough to sway Oprah’s decision. She chose to remove BeBe from Karaoke Challenge until the accusations were resolved.

Recently, Debra gave a candid (but decidedly positive) interview to gospel-singer-turned-journalist Lexi. Though the interview was primarily in support of her self-published book Life Altered Not Over, the interview did not skirt the issue of the alleged abuse. Debra, divorced since 2003 and legally separated since 2001, spoke without acrimony about the courtship, progression, and dissolution of her marriage to BeBe.

According to Debra, the altercation began when BeBe allegedly pushed her to the ground during a heated debate over their children’s custody after which point they both became physical. She also states in the interview that the couple previously had a similar altercation where she was grabbed by the arms and dragged up stairs.

During her interview with Lexi, Debra highlighted that in speaking out publicly about the woes that led to the demise of her marriage, her goal was to minister to and validate the concerns of women in positions similar to hers. Debra also addressed those who believe she only authored her book for financial gain and vindication against her ex-husband. She responded plainly that if she truly wanted to damage her ex-husband’s career, she could have done so years ago.

In the wake of the dismissal of all charges against BeBe, his ex-wife expressed her discontent. According to an exclusive interview granted to BET’s Torrence Glenn, Debra feels that justice was not served and that BeBe had a hand in sabotaging the process.

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

A jury ruled Michael Jackson not guilty, but cynics still decry him as a pedophile even in death. Brandy Norwood was never even charged with a crime, yet callous naysayers who still nurse the original shock of the tragedy are quick to call her a murderer. Although the court has declared BeBe innocent, his ex-wife still claims foul play. Depending on which party you’re sympathetic to, opinions can vary wildly.

No one can aptly judge guilt but an omniscient God. Yet it’s almost certain that a portion of people (including Winans’ fans) may never release him from even the possibility that he could have abused his ex-wife. If you’ve ever been the victim of abuse or another crime, it becomes all too easy to project past hurts and anger onto an undeserving target.

“Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!” - James 2:12-13

If we are truly trying to be like Christ, we would actively seek to trade our preconceived notions and biases for even-handed compassion that hopes all things, believes all things, seeks the truth, and keeps no record of wrongs. Sadly, the people of God have been known to make hasty, harsh judgments in the name righteousness.

When we do so, especially to a brother or sister in the kingdom of God, it’s bound to boomerang on us. Some of us may disregard the court’s ruling and from now on feel obligated whenever BeBe’s name is spoken to swear, “Oh no, I can’t support him. Didn’t you hear about what he did to his wife?”

I can’t make a confident judgment call as to whether or not BeBe is innocent. All I know is that whenever one of us chooses to sling mud, we all end up dirty.

Written by Mark Chappelle Coston for Elev8.com.
Add him on MySpace or follow @MarkChappelle on Twitter.

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• Cirque du TON3X: A “Lost Album” Is Finally Released After 10 Years
• Adrianne Archie’s HSMS Album Does A Body Good

For the first time in over eight years Bryson and I spent Thanksgiving alone and it was actually quite refreshing.  Over the years my home has always been open to friends and loved ones during the holidays but this year, while at the dinner table, I realized for the first time that Bryson and I were actually spending it alone.  Because we live so far away from the family, I was beginning to feel a little homesick, but I quickly chose to use it as a time of reflection.

It made me realize just how blessed we really are, and how much we really do have to be thankful for.  For instance, the sheer size of my family; my mother is the oldest of nine.  My father is one of seven and my stepmother is one of twelve.  As a child being raised in a family this size, it’s almost impossible to appreciate the enormity of such a blessing, but then we grow up.

I remember endless days of riding bikes with my oldest sister Allison during the summers, boxing and being a human punching bag for my youngest uncle and the rest of my male cousins, and beating the daylights out of my younger brothers.  Because I have a total of eight siblings and several uncles and aunts that were not much older than me, I never wanted any kids.  I am the eldest of my mother’s children and second to the oldest in my dad’s clan.  Considering I lived with my mother for most of my life, I had more responsibility than the average kid, so as far as I was concerned, having another kid to take care of was completely out of the question.  However, when you’re twenty years old, and you mix a little alcohol with careless living things can change dramatically.

The older I get the more I realize how fortunate we really are to have such an overwhelmingly large, but close-knit family; one that prays and parties together.  On my mom’s side of the family alone, my grandparents have almost fifty grandchildren and counting and I would venture to say that number may not be too far off on my step-mother’s side.  So when I’m home and someone asks what are you doing this weekend, and I say, “Going to the movies with friends or just hanging out with friends”, I usually mean my cousins.

Yes, over the years I have worn a lot of hand-me-downs, changed a lot of diapers, was teased and power driven to the ground by boorish boys who never really wanted my company; but the endless memories of bike riding, birthday parties, crawfish boils, sleepovers and family baseball games on the local school grounds are priceless.

To know and experience the kind of unconditional love that comes from a family of our size is truly a blessing.  I only hope that my son will cherish it as much as I do.  And for this, I am forever thankful to God.

I pray for all those who have an opportunity to read this – that you will thoroughly enjoy this holiday season and that you won’t focus on what or who isn’t present, but be thankful, for what and/or who is.

God Bless!

Follow Lisa on twitter or email her at lisaletstalk@gmail.com

Other Related Articles:

Forgotten Where You Come From?

Have You Forgiven Yourself?

Love The Unlovable This Holiday Season

Stop Complaining And Check Your Motives

Though The Flood Waters Rise, I Am Grateful

This is the sixth article in a series about adultery

Friday…. Friday…. Friday….Ok you know its Friday and I know its Friday…but what does that have to do with a hill of beans.  Now, that is a saying from way back.  Not today.  I am not even sure my children have heard that one.  How high is a hill of beans anyway?  Is it the same height as a regular ‘ole dirt hill?  Is there even such thing as a hill of beans?  Where can I visit one?  Do the beans slide and one never reaches the top when one is trying to climb it?

You know, if more people would ask details and everlasting questions (on and on and on and on), then people would not get so hung up in the wrong predicaments.  What type of predicaments am I talking about?  Well the sexual kind of course because its Friday night…just got paid…party huntin’…place is right…ok so for all of you lyric purist I mixed up the lyrics but you get the point…It’s Friday and people get into trouble come the weekend.  All kind of sexual entanglements happen on the weekend.  There are no going to school, work, or major commitments for most.  So, they live up their sexual fantasies on the weekends.

God is pretty straight forward about how He wants us to approach sex.  He wants us to reserve it for marriage.  Now, many people are fine with that.  But, they also have sex with others besides their spouse.  They say because they are married its ok to have sex.  Unfortunately for them, God wants us to have sex with our spouses only.  God doesn’t want us to allow sex to drive us to places that He has not ordained for us.  Sexual entanglements will mess us up big time.  And, in many cases, sexual affairs (entanglements) cause death.

God gives us many examples in the bible.  David and Bathsheba are one.  David was supposed to be out at war.  David was supposed to be fighting with his trusted men including Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah.  David was supposed to be doing what God called him to do.  But, David, a man after God own heart, tarried and remained in Israel instead of going to war with his troops.  And, David arose one evening from his bed and walked his roof top.

Now, evening is when people would wash themselves after being with others.  Rooftops were secluded places that people thought no one would see them.  So, baths were on rooftops.  And, of course, Bathsheba was bathing this very evening.  And, David thought to himself, she is one fine and beautiful and voluptuous, and sexy lady and I got to try that.

Of course, David being king got with that and now she is pregnant.  Enter in her husband who David sent for from the war.  Uriah wouldn’t sleep with his wife even after David nearly tried to force him.  Uriah was loyal to what God told him to do.  Uriah rushes back to war and David sends the man’s death sentence unknowingly to Uriah with him.   Uriah is killed because David commands it and David becomes Bathsheba’s husband.  God tells David that he sinned. David repents.  But, a death still must occur, their child is born and becomes ill and dies.  David comforts Bathsheba and they have Solomon after David re-orders himself with God.

Samson and Delilah is another one of the biblical stories of sexual entanglement ending in death.  Delilah was a harlot.  Samson was using her to satisfy his sexual fix.  He is seeing her so much that she believes he loves her.  So, she starts to ask all kinds of questions.  She decides to ask questions that others have posed to her.  When Samson eludes her questions, she tells him that he doesn’t love her.

She keeps nagging Samson about his love, his strength and their relationship.  Samson gets so tired of the tirade that he finally gives in and tells her his innermost secret.  This secret allows the Philistines to destroy Samson who was their most wanted enemy.  As they are celebrating to their god about Samson’s capture, they ask Samson to perform.  Unbeknownst to them, Samson’s hair has started to grow back.  Samson destroys them and also asks God to allow him to die along with them.  God came back to Samson once he re-orders himself with God.

Eli’s sons decided to have multiple sexual partners with as many women as possible, especially the ones who lay at the tabernacle doors.  See, Eli’s sons were supposed to be the next priest of God’s people.  But, they wanted their sexual appetites satisfied instead of God’s work done. So, God destroyed them and no ancestor of Eli is upon this earth today.

These different sexual entanglements represent the ways we get involved with others. David and Bathsheba is the one night stand.  David would have left Uriah and Bathsheba alone if she hadn’t gotten pregnant.  How many people are up that creek?  And, Samson and Delilah is that all entangled affair.  She was so sexual good to him that he kept going back.  She enticed him and destroyed his relationship with God all at the same time.  And, Eli’s sons were just addicted to sex.  They couldn’t get enough of it and did not care with whom or how.

God doesn’t want any of this for us.  He wants us to live victoriously not in defeat of our sexual appetites and fulfillments.  He wants us to stop and ask the questions and keep asking them until we hear His true answer.  Stop.  Stop, my children.  Honor Me by holding true to my command to engage in sex in marriage with your spouse.  Stop allowing the world to destroy you and set you apart from Me.  But, know this beloved that if you fall, I will pick you up and set you right…all you have to do is ask with repentance like David.

It’s interesting that David and Bathsheba’s story did not end with the death of the adulterous child.  They go on to have Solomon who was Jedidiah, beloved of the Lord.  God loved and cherished their son in righteousness.  He blessed their union and blessed all of the people of the earth through their seed.  So, never think that your shortcomings involving sexual entanglements will destroy you.  Look up, child of God, and allow God to right you.

So, its that time…time for me to begin enjoying my weekend.  Of course, I will be asking question after question to make sure that I am on God’s path and not my own.  So off I go into the weekend.  And, all I have to say to that is “THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!”

Check out the entire adultery series on Elev8.com

His Needs,  Her Needs, My Needs Need To Be Met

How Does Adultery Begin?

Adultery Is Easy, Especially When You’re Busy

Shopping And Your Job Is Adultery Too!

Everyone Commits Adultery