Can you rel8 to this?

News publications are buzzing about Mo’Nique’s interview with Barbara Walters where she admits that, “ We have an agreement that we’ll always be honest, and if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us, that’s not something where we’ll have to say, ‘Oh God, we’ve got to go to divorce court because you cheated on me.’ Because we don’t cheat.” The concept of an “open marriage,” has caused a stir with millions and I wanted to weigh in as well.  Is an open marriage really a marriage?

As a Christian, I have an understanding that marriage is defined as a union between one man and one woman under a covenant with God.  And if my goal is to please God, then I will keep the promise that He established–marry one man, have sex with one man and establish the best relationship with this ONE man for the rest of my life.  I think MOST people in Western culture embrace the sanctity of marriage the same, whether you are a believer or NOT–bottom line…no sharing allowed nor tolerated.  After all…it is actually the law, both land and moral.

Based on the buzz, Mo’Nique and her husband have chosen to pursue their union in a much more non-traditional manner–one that CAN be considered high risk in this day and age.  They are in an open marriage.  I guess I can say, “To each his/her own,” right?  Sure!  But I feel compelled to share my opinion.  I mean come on…the term “open” means that anything goes–women, men, name it.  And it begs the question, how often is he being tested for sickness and disease since she is clear that she isn’t the one having sex with other men.  I mean come on.  What is this really about?  Is this about low self esteem?  Is this about the desperate desire to be in a relationship, you would do whatever necessary to make sure that he stays, including giving him a pass?  Is this about Mo’Nique proving she’s a “real woman” because she can tolerate her husbands infidelity in the public’s eye?  What is this really about?  And don’t throw me the garbage about, ’she must be extremely secure if she is able to maintain that kind of relationship,’ cause I’m a woman too.  There is no way that I would be at peace knowing that the reason he’s out late could quite possibly have something to do with the fact that he’s in someone elses bed.  The imagery that occurs within the brilliant minds that the God of the universe created for each of us is far too sophisticated not to design sexually explicit moments of women that look a lot different than me with my man.  Those mental images that make their way along the canvas of my mind would completely overwhelm me when he is to return and crawl into bed beside me.  And what happens when he is confused because feelings have emerged?  What happens when those same emotions sneak up for the woman, women or men that he is involved?  What happens when THEY want more or her husband for that matter?  You see where this goes?  Nowhere!

See…here’s the problem with this whole thing, having sex with someone isn’t just the act of getting your rocks off and going home.  No…no…no!  When you become one with a person through intercourse, you literally become one with them.  There is a soul tie.  You literally bind your soul to theirs and you become one another.  Feelings emerge, likenesses form, spirits intertwine and you are now in a relationship.  There is a reason the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 “…let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

It wasn’t just a command made by God but He understands the ramifications of having multiple sex partners and what that CAN do to the mind, body and soul of both husband and wife.  I don’t care what you say, when he goes out, Mo’Nique is privately biting her nails.  She is wondering what is going on.  That is human nature.

Anywho…I thought this would be an interesting matter to discuss and think about.  At the end of the day, the only thing we can do for Mo’Nique is pray for she and her husband Sidney.  You can pray that they come into a relationship with Christ – if they don’t have one and THEN ask God to show them how to be married according to His perfect will.

“I’ve had to sneak and I’ve had to lie, and I don’t want to do that any more. But my husband is so awesome and so fine and so—oh, girl….No other man can compare.” Mo’Nique to Oprah.

Er uh!  Okay!!

Written by Ingrid Michelle for Elev8.com

To read “Life AFTER the Down Low,” click here AND follow her on Twitter

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There are certain questions that I can’t stand to answer. Partially because the answer will bring no benefit to the questioner, and partially because the question itself makes certain implications. My favorite (or perhaps least favorite) question of this type — “Why aren’t you married/dating/in a relationship?”

We all love to get that question, don’t we? Whether it’s family, parents, old friends we haven’t seen in a while, or maybe a new acquaintance (but I hope not a date, lest they’ve forgotten their manners), they all want to know why we haven’t been “snatched up” into a relationship.

I’ve been guilty of asking this question before, as I’m sure you have. When I ask the question, it’s really a less offensive way of saying, “What’s wrong with you? Where are your defects? Do you have a personality disorder? There must be some logical explanation as to why someone hasn’t decided they want to spend the rest of their life with you? What’s the problem?”  That’s the backhanded brilliance of the “why aren’t you” question — it says all that and more in such a way that people often don’t have a decent answer.

While you might actually want them to tell you all of those things, you’d be pretty bold (or maybe just stupid) to be forthright enough to ask such blatant questions.

For some reason, it seems as if I get asked this, entirely too often. And the other day I was pondering it… Why am I not in a relationship? Or married? Then the answer came to me, simple and clear — because I have standards.

Standards? Who has those nowadays? Apparently, more people than you might think. While they might be the “he/she needs to have X, Y, and Z material things before I’ll get with him” unhealthy type instead of the honest, healthy kind of standards, at the very least, we could all say that, if we’re not in a relationship, it’s because we’ve chosen not to settle. Some have chosen not to settle for a man in a Honda. Some have chosen not to settle for a woman with 3 kids. It depends on how high your standards are, but you’ve chosen, one way or another, not to settle.

If you think back over your life, your past, and your relationships, you’ll probably see some places where you could have gotten married, or you could have gotten into this relationship, but for whatever reason, you didn’t. That reason — your standards.

Standards have a way of messing up all kinds of things. You see a beautiful girl, but she’s got red flags popping up left and right. Or, you’re getting to know a new guy, but he’s always so focused on himself that he doesn’t really care about you. And yes, you could (and many do) overlook those things and settle for a relationship with those individuals, but, is it really worth it? That’s where your standards come in.

Wait. I’m letting some people off the hook entirely too easily. Let me clarify something — for some of you, it’s not your standards that are the issue, it’s other’s standards that are the issue.

Some of you have some issues that you need to work on before you get into a relationship. Perhaps it’s your immaturity, proclivity to gravitate towards foolish drama, constant negativity, or inability to consider how your words and actions impact anyone but yourself that are holding you back from someone wanting to be locked in a relationship (or maybe even go on a date) with you. (If you got upset about this paragraph, that’s probably because I was talking about you. Don’t kill the messenger.)

How do you know if it’s your standards or other people’s that are the reason you’re not in a relationship? Figuring that out is as simple as looking at whether or not people seriously (not jokingly or for courtesy’s sake) ask you that question. (And for the record, one person a year does not count.) If people don’t ask you, it’s likely that they already know why you’re not in a relationship. And they’re probably right.

Next time someone comes at you with the whole, “Why aren’t you married/dating/in a relationship?” thing, just assure them that it’s because you have standards and don’t feel like settling for less than the best. That will either shut them up or cause them to question your standards (which is an entirely separate conversation). Either way, you’ll have a decent answer for the future.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

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The central character, Pep of the rap group Salt-n-Pepa has three other friends with whom she shares her dating life as they share theirs.  There’s newly divorced Joumana Kidd who used to be married to NBA baller, Mr. Triple Double himself, Jason Kidd.  Then there’s the smart and savvy journalist, Jacque Reid who desperately wants to have a baby.  Last but definitely not least, there’s the resident wild child of the bunch, Kittie Troy.  Some of you may recognize Kittie’s voice as the animated character Cita on BET’s Cita’s World.
This series is like the reality/un-scripted version of Sex In The City.  Sandy “Pep” Denton says she’s been celibate for the past four years.  She has a weekly brunch meeting with her three girlfriends to discuss their dating lives.  Initially I enjoyed the show because it reminds me of my group of best friends back in Jersey.  But later I enjoyed the show because of it’s honesty.  It takes a lot to open yourself up to the world and expose parts of your personal life while cameras track your every move.  And before anyone says the women do it for the money, I can assure you as a producer who has seen plenty of budgets for this genre of television, it is not always about the money.
Before I get to grading the show I want to recap some of my favorite and not so favorite moments on the series thus far:
Favorite Moment:
Pep was on a date with a gentleman.  The two went back to the hotel where they got into a hot tub.  There were several candles lit around the hot tub.  Pep’s date seemed to have some sort of activator juice in his hair because he leaned his head back a tad bit too close to one of the candles and the brother’s hair proceeded to catch fire just a little bit.  I fell out laughing!

Not So Much Moment:
Kittie went out on a date with a gentleman (I use gentleman loosely here).  The brother confessed his love/obsession with feet and sucked Kittie’s toes during the limo ride.  The brother said her toes tasted like meatloaf.  I am not a big meatloaf fan but now I can’t even hear or say the word without feeling some sorta way.  Like a sick some sorta way!

Favorite Moment:
Jacque’s date with  the oh so very fine actor, Lamman Rucker.  Hey just because I’m saved does not mean I’m blind!  That’s a good looking man.  I could care less what Jacque and Lamman were talking about.  I was too busy staring at him.  Lawd!
Not So Much Moment:
Joumana went out on a date in New York City with a so called “bad boy”.  The dude decides to throw something at parked New York City Police van and yell something vulgar at them.  NYPD promptly got out of the van, snatched Mr. Date up and cuffed him in front of Joumana.  The so called bad boy quickly became the nice and apologetic man who understood right away that his date with Joumana was over.  Lame!  Chile Please!

Show Grade:
Entertaining:  B+     (It’s way too entertaining when a man’s hair catches fire in a hot tub)
Cast:  A                       (Diverse, Attractive and Witty)

Production:  A          (No interviews and more show makes the pace of the feel less rushed and more organic)

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Let’s Talk About Not Having Sex

Last week I talked about how interracial dating can go wrong by citing a certain website that is designed exclusively for those desiring only interracial relationships. I noted how this can allow people to develop unhealthy, racially-based fetishes. Since then, some have brought up the question of whether or not interracial dating is Biblical. This argument is not only easily dismantled, but in fact, racist in and of itself.

In order to properly talk about interracial relationships, we must define what race is. The best definition I have found comes from Dr. Mikhail Lyubansky, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Illinois. He defines race as a “classification of human beings into politically motivated socially constructed categories based on arbitrary phenotypical combinations.” In other words, there is no lasting, biological condition such as race (other than, of course, the human race) — it’s strictly based on societal norms at a given place and time.

Using that definition, we understand that interracial relationships involve two individuals who don’t have similar phenotypical features (in terms of race, we often think of skin tone, bone structure, and hair texture).

The argument that interracial relationships are not Biblical could almost be dismantled by simply saying that race, as we know and understand it (or try to), in America today, simply did not exist when the Bible was written. However, that doesn’t complete the discussion; we must continue.

The idea that interracial relationships are unbiblical was likely created by someone with a white, eurocentric mindset. It is in this mindset that we find the root of systemic American racism. This is also the school of thought from which the concept of inherent superiority and inferiority comes from. It wasn’t until the Europeans saw a need for free labor that they concocted the notion that people who didn’t have pale, melanin deficient skin were inferior to those who did. Using this mentality as their rationale, they invaded Africa, stripping it of its resources, wealth, and most devastatingly, its people, who they took by force during the Atlantic Slave Trade.

Many of the scriptures fallaciously used to promote the view that it’s unbiblical to be in an interracial relationship are based on the perception that many of the people in the Old Testament were white. It’s crucial to understand that “white” as a racial identity didn’t exist until the 1600s and were created solely for economic gain.

Adam was not white. In modern terms, he was a black man. By studying the original language, we can learn that the name Adam means “reddish brown.” A derivative of this same word is used later in Genesis to describe the lentil soup that Esau wanted his son to make for him. If you’ve ever seen lentils, there are many types, but none are white. The most commonly used lentils in this time would have been red/brown and yellow.

Establishing that Adam, and in fact many peoples written about in the Old Testament were not white, as we know it, is just one building block in dismantling the argument that interracial relationships aren’t biblical. Secondly, we have to look at the scriptures that people may misconstrue to say something they really don’t.

We see plenty of times in the Bible where God forbids his people — the Israelites in the Old Testament; the Jews in the New Testament — to intermarry with other people. Yet in every instance where God commands it, his reason was religious, not racial. He doesn’t want His people to be woven together with those who worshiped pagan idols. The best example of this is found in Deuteronomy 7:

“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations—the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, seven nations larger and stronger than you… Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the Lord’s anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you.” (Deuteronomy 7:1-4, NIV)

Note that in verse four, God’s purpose for forbidding marriage between His chosen people, the Israelites, and the pagan nations was because they would take them “to serve other Gods.” God was concerned, not about their physical appearance, but their spiritual appearance and whether their spouse would distract them from their focus of serving God. In fact, God was so opposed to these nations that, in verse 5, He told the Israelites to “Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire.” But be clear — this is not a racially based hatred, but rather one based in their idol worship and sacrifice.

Another such scripture, this time in the New Testament, is 2 Corinthians 6:14, where Paul writes, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” Some would take “light” and “darkness” to reflect skin tone, yet nothing could be further from the truth.

Looking at the scriptures, many times we see that God is synonymous with the idea of light, and the Devil is referred to as “darkness.” Looking at the scripture in context (which is always imperative when trying to understand scriptures) we can see that Paul says, in the next verses, 15 and 16, “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?” What Paul is doing is repeating the same principle point multiple times, using different examples. He is striving to convince the believers in Corinth that they, at the most essential level, have nothing in common with unbelievers and therefore shouldn’t be married to them.

It’s clear that there is no scripture to support the idea that interracial relationships are ungodly. Rather what we see is that man made social constructs such as race and racism has clouded the judgment of Christians who have become so in the world that we’ve conformed to the society’s way of separating, classifying and ranking human beings.

The Apostle Paul saw this at work in the ancient society that he lived in. Yet, he refused to conform. In Acts 10:28, Paul (as a Jew, speaking to Gentiles) says,“You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with a Gentile or visit him. But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean.” He understood that God’s laws and commandments always overrules those of the society.

Sadly, we seem to have lost a grasp of this concept. We let our churches and, perhaps more importantly, our lives remain separated and segregating — a horrible reflection on Christ and his Kingdom.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

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This admission out loud harkens back to the early days when people would publicly atone for their sins. they would place ashes on their faces and dress in sack cloth. Tiger pointed to the fact that had he not strayed from his spiritual and religious beliefs  and practices he would not be in this situation.  Many people will laugh this off and say that he was just pantomiming what people wanted to hear. There is a part of me that feels that he was being sincere. There is another part of me that knows that he had to address the mess that his public life had become.

We have become a society where whether we are black or white, we are permissive in bad behavior. I understand the argument that if you are young you shouldn’t get married. I can understand the argument that not everyone is ready for marriage.   I disagree that monetary and professional success dictates a “pick and choose” menu of personal behavior. It is the belief that once presented with a smorgasbord you have no ability to control yourself. It has become hallmark that if you are successful, and have money you are entitled to be promiscuous and irresponsible and unfaithful. That’s 100% unacceptable. It’s even more unacceptable for African Americans due to the fact  one check point of purchasing  slaves  was whether or not he could be a “good buck” or a “good breeder”. Should we fall back into that old stereo type that allows for behavior like McNair’s? The horrifying part of his story is that he has a son who is in early adulthood who has now learned first hand how to handle a mistress.  I think we have thoroughly crossed the threshold where over the edge behavior gains you popularity as being a player.  It is now the comparison of who has the better war stories exchanged in the dressing room, locker rooms and bars.

The true lies that are being sown about the institution of marriage have presented insane logic 1- that it’s not work and 2- that it’s cheaper to keep her. We all laugh about it, but it’s no laughing matter anymore.  We are over run with young ladies who do not know who fathered their children and young men who father too many with little claim to responsibility except the ability to say, “That’s my child.” We are all falling victim to this whole idea that life should be “a whole lot of what you want, when you want, how you want. ”

Unfortunately, with athletes the pipe dream that the bigger better woman is on the horizon somewhere is really why they cheat. It’s true in the music business. It’s true in the board room.  They lock down the “right now woman” and then when they get to whatever level is a great level they pick up “the trophy.” She is often the young misguided woman. This behavior trickles down to my ill-informed and groomed sisters who feel that acting less than ladylike is what will get them the attention that they crave.  When they are left alone they are wondering how they got to this point in the road.

{For more from Oretha Winston follow her on Twitter}

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A whopping 42% of black women have not been married.  Here’s a question for the black women out there:  What are your standards when it comes to dating?  Check out this link:

The women in the ABC News Special are all very beautiful and successful.  Are they setting the bar too high?  Should they lower their standards?  What does that mean exactly?  Should they consider dating and marrying outside of the black race?  What it behoove them to consider the brother who works in the mailroom?  I personally have no problem with that as long as he has plans beyond the mailroom.  Are black women too smart?  My dad is a funny guy.  He used to say things like women are just too smart nowadays.  A man can’t be a man with a smart black woman. I would ask him, why did he want me to go to college and get an education if not to be…well…ur ra ta…smart?  He would respond with:  “See that’s what I’m talking about right there…too smart”.  Although my dad and I joked around a lot, maybe he was on to something.  I am all for education and career advancement.  However, do we as black women tend to look down at brothers who do not have the same view?  I’m asking myself the question as well.  Maybe we need to simply adust our standards and not lower them.

I remember when I had a “wish list” when it came to a man.  I wanted him to be a Christian.  I wanted him to be educated.  I wanted a man who did not have any children.  I wanted someone who was gainfully employed and financially stable.  My list included him having his own place, meaning a home and not an apartment he was renting.  My list also included him having a car because no way did I want to pick him up and drop him off for dates.  Now before you label me as shallow, this list was created when I was in my twenties.  I was idealistic.  I was a tad unrealistic too! I say that because I didn’t even live up to half the things on my list!  That’s so bootleg!

Sisters, if you have a list of requirements and yet you do not live up to your own list, doesn’t that make you a bit of a hypocrite?  I believe in setting standards but I’ve learned to live up to the standards I’ve set.  The women in the ABC News Special had their collective acts together!  At least that’s the way it appeared.  One thing I noticed the piece did not cover was black men and women dating in the church environment.  The truth is churches are filled with mostly women every Sunday morning.  The single brothers have so many choices it ain’t even funny.   Would it be wrong for the black church to set up a dating ministry?  Are we afraid too many people will become super spiritual about it?  What I mean is this, so many times dating in the church becomes some sort of weird over-analyzed audition of sorts.

I cannot stand for someone to tell another person “The Lawd told me to tell you, you’re going to be my husband or my wife”…If the Lawd did not speak to both parties then it’s a little bootleg and a bad excuse to make someone feel compelled to date you.  But getting back to the subject at hand…Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to do some sort of Holy Hookup of sorts in the church.  If guidelines are set up that clearly state that this is dating only and not a marriage proposal ministry, then maybe we’ll get somewhere with this statistic of successful black women unable to get married.  I’m not buying it myself.

I know there are a lot of brothers in jail.  I know there’s a percentage of brothers who are homosexual.  I know that there are a number of brothers who prefer white women.  I get it that there are lot of brothers who are using their entrepreneurial gifts for evil and not for good.  Okay what was my point?  Oh yeah, I’m still not buying that black women like the ones in this piece cannot find a suitable counterpart.  I agree with Steve Harvey who suggested they take a look at their realm and possibly date a little older.  Now look, Steve didn’t say the man had to be on oxygen support and unable to feed himself.  He only suggested taking a look at your “wish list” and making some adjustments and not necessarily lowering your standards.  Chile Please!

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While browsing YouTube the other day, I noticed an interesting ad, placed below a video entitled, “Single black women find the search for love is especially difficult.”

The ad pictured a Black woman with a shirtless White man next to the text, “AfroRomance — Where love is more than skin deep.”

It seemed that YouTube, with it’s consistent ad placement was saying: “Hey Black women, you know your pickings are slim with all the black men being either unemployed or incarcerated. Not to worry, come try out this interracial dating site and find you a nice White man!”  (Ok, perhaps that wasn’t the intent, but that’s certainly how I took it.)

The fact is, we all have preferred body type, skin, hair and eye color, and such, but the idea of someone dating exclusively outside their race is disturbing. To not be attracted to a person of the same race seems to be a form of self hate, does it not?

I find that attraction based solely on complexion, especially when using lines like, “where love is more than skin deep,” to promote your service, actually shows that the love you may find there would, in fact, be only skin deep — at least initially.

This is dangerous because it gives place to those who fantasize and even have fetishes about people of a different race. Fetishes tend to debase and disrespect their subjects because they are viewed simply as a source of pleasure or fantasy, rather than as a valued and complex member of society. This is something that Whites in America have been doing since the first Africans have placed their coerced feet onto the continent.

Systemic racism and personal prejudice toward Black people have found a comfortable home here in American society for centuries. And while one would think interracial relationships would tear down these walls and barriers between the races, it seems that when built on the wrong premise, and with the wrong intent, these relationships can actually serve to perpetuate the degradation of Blacks in America.

Hear me clearly — there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone of another race. What is wrong is when you date someone of another race with impure motives.

Are you dating them because you’ve “always wanted to know what it felt like”? Or is it because you genuinely see qualities in them that you’re attracted to regardless of their skin color? Is the love really more than skin deep? Or is it only skin deep?

I wouldn’t dare judge anyone in a relationship and answer that question for them. Instead it’s something that needs to be seriously considered by both parties.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

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Last week I wrote about how men disrespect women, and why we shouldn’t and what we should do, and yada, yada, yada. I got quite a few people who wanted to hear the reverse discussion and put the women on blast. And I’m all for being fair (sometimes) and balanced and looking at both sides of the stories. So…

It’s obvious the type of things that women do when they disrespect their men, so I don’t find it necessary to discuss that. The question then becomes, not what, but why. Why do women do these things? Why doesn’t the woman treat her man with respect in the first place?

The simple answer? She doesn’t like him. A woman will not respect a man she doesn’t like. (I use like instead of love, because you’re going to have to first like the man before you love him.) Her reasoning may seem insignificant to the man (not that she cares), or even to her friends, but that’s irrelevant — if she doesn’t like a man, she will not treat him with respect.

On the most basic level, a woman won’t like a man if she feels cannot protect her.  Protection looks like different things to different women. If she values keeping her bills paid, she will not respect a man that is between jobs (”You broke ____!”). If she looks for physical strength (the most cave-man of reactions), then she won’t like slim or short dudes (”With yo’ little _____!”). If a woman values brains or intelligence, she won’t use a phrase when arguing, she will start to use big words to make you feel stupid (to which the “ignorant” man replies, “Yo, why you gotta start talking like that? I can’t STAND you!”)

Men, I know sometimes we can be hardheaded (self included), so here are some factors to let you know if a girl doesn’t like you (there are obviously more, but let’s get the basics down first):

• She doesn’t initiate conversation (only returns calls or texts, never sends them).
• She doesn’t want you to touch her in public. At all.
• She doesn’t want to kiss you.
• She never asks you where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing (because she doesn’t care).
• She doesn’t want to just hang at the crib with you.

If a woman you are dating, or even interested in, acts like this, she ‘s not playing hard to get. She is not ‘hella cool and laid back.” She doesn’t like you. If she doesn’t like you, she won’t respect you. If a woman doesn’t like you, the more you pursue her, the more desperate and unattractive you look. You see, if she did like you, all the stuff you do for her would make her heart melt, but instead, the opposite is true — her heart is getting hard towards you. Now you’re just make matters worse and she likes you less (and thinks you’re dumb for not getting the clues) and thus she’s disrespecting you more and more (often more publicly).

I already know that some will say that this is a cop-out because it really defers all the blame back onto the men and that’s not fair. And that’s true. I, in some ways, did defer the blame back on the men for not understanding that the women didn’t like them. But that’s how these things work — the man is (or should be) in charge of the relationship. And when something goes wrong, who do we blame most often? The one in charge. Sorry guys, that’s just the way it is sometimes.

They’ll say that there are women who are downright just disrespectful for no reason. And I’d say you’re wrong (at least on that count). There is always a reason that women do things. We may not be able to figure it out or comprehend, but that doesn’t stop it from existing.

So gentlemen, if she’s disrespecting you, chance are good, very good, that she’s not doing it for no reason. Think about the things listed above and inspect whether or not she really likes you and then take things from there.

[Written by Stuart McDonald for Elev8.com. For more from Stuart, check out his personal blog, follow him on Twitter, and connect with him on Facebook.]

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Where are you from?
KP – Queens, New York.

Do you miss the city?
KP – Not terribly.  I miss the energy of the city.  I miss shopping.  I miss what I love most about New York.  It’s a great melting pot.

What was your childhood like?
KP – That’s a loaded question.  My childhood was rich spiritually.  And at times confusing because it was old school Pentecostal.  I had a lot of questions that were not being answered and could not be answered but I still asked them.  And when we were coming up children were supposed to be seen and not heard.  On the natural side it was challenging.  My parents split up when I was really young.  My mother was 22 years old raising three children alone in the ‘70’s.  My father died when I was nine years old.  My mother left my dad because he was a preacher in the church who left the church and backslid.

How did your dad backslide?
KP – There was alcoholism and drug abuse on my dad’s side of the family.  He was the only person in his family who was saved.  He had a real battle because he would go to church on Sunday and his entire family would stay home.  They didn’t do church.  He had an inner battle and it got to be too much for him.  He was a black man in the ‘70’s with a family to take care of and realized after the fact that he wasn’t really ready.  His dad died when he was really young and he had no male figures to really look up to.

What was the toughest time of your childhood?
KP – I remember being homeless and sleeping in my mother’s car when I was four years old.  I remember my mother would go to family members on my dad’s side and ask can my sisters and I stay with them.  Even if we could  sleep on the floor.  I remember them telling my mother there’s no room for us in the house and telling my mother she’ll be fine.  I remember my mother bundling us up in coats with tears in her eyes and taking us to sleep in the car.

How did that experience shape you as an adult?
KP – As an adult, I have to be honest and say that there’s not much that I’m afraid of.  But I work the way that I do because I have a bit of fear of homelessness.  I have to believe God to deliver me from that.  I have such a vivid memory of being homeless.  I remember I would not get my nails or hair done unless I had a show because I felt like it was money that did not need to be spent.  I’m talking about Kelly Price, “The Soul of a Woman” record.  I would have to give myself a reason to go to the mall and shop.  I don’t splurge shop.  I have too much in my closet to spend money on clothes.

How did you meet your husband?
KP – I met Jeffery when I was 13 years old at the state youth convention.  We were friends for years.  We would see each other during the conferences held throughout the years.  It was a different day.  When I saw him it was because we were in church somewhere.  He would come to wherever I was singing.  I always had a lot of guy friends and he was one of my really good guy friends.  It shifted when I turned 16 years old.  We talked to each other about things we couldn’t talk to other people about.  My family was homeless again when I was 16 years old and Jeffery’s mother was in the hospital with breast cancer.  Back then you had to have a physical address to be registered in school or the state would take you from your parents.  I had to keep it a secret.  Jeffery knew that mother and I were bouncing from house to house.

When did you know you were in love with Jeffery?
KP – I knew pretty quickly.  After being his friend for so long…my family bounced around for about five or six months with no place to live.  During that time his mother died from breast cancer.  Throughout her sickness and my homelessness we got closer and closer.

Tell me about getting pregnant at an early age.
KP – I look at my son and I do not regret my son.  I will never let some over religious, super pious, lying individual and I say LYING (all caps) make me feel guilty about my child.  I say that because it takes a lot of nerve for someone to act as if they’ve never sinned.  My grandfather is a COGIC bishop.  It was difficult.  I think I was more concerned about my grandparents being disappointed in me.  No one talked to me about sex.  My mother didn’t talk to me because no one talked to her about sex.  Much of what I learned I learned from school and television.

Did anyone in the church try to convince you to abort?
KP – No one tried to get me to abort.  But I was silenced and sat down.  It was desired that I get up and apologize before the congregation.  I have a girlfriend who’s father was her pastor and she got pregnant and she had to get up and apologize in front of the church.  I said absolutely not.  I sinned against God and not the church.  I bucked a lot of things growing up.  I got slapped in the mouth a lot.  If you couldn’t show me in the bible where I owed the church an apology then I wasn’t going along with it.  I owed God and my grandparents and my mother an apology.  I was involved in the music department.  I only did that because my grandfather said I had to.  As the preacher’s kid you did not have options.  But I had to sit down and not direct the choir any longer.

How did you get discovered as a singer?
KP – I had a dear friend name Darryl Douglas.  He was an incredible song writer and arranger.  He would use me to demo his songs.  One thing led to another.  There was another session singer who sang for Luther Vandross.  Her name is Cindy Mizelle.  When she was getting married, she asked Darryl to do all of the music for her wedding.  There were a lot of executives at her wedding.  At that time, George Michael came to New York to do an east coast tour.   He was looking for a great choir to back him up.  Cindy put in a call to Darryl who then called me and some others.  There were about 10 or 12 of us.  We showed up to Madison Square Garden and sang behind George Michael in January of 1992.  In February of 1992, Mariah Carey needed a choir for her Grammy performance and once again we got the call.  Long story short, Mariah was three hours late for rehearsal.  I just found out I was pregnant and I was sick as a dog.  We were on a break and I stayed around the rehearsal hall and started singing around the piano with my back to the door and Mariah Carey walked in and stood there and listened.  Someone told me Mariah was standing at the door listening and I shut up immediately and walked away from the piano.  I didn’t want anyone to believe that I was trying to be heard.  When the rehearsal was over I was preparing to leave, Mariah sent one of her background singers to me and he tried to get me to start singing again and I said no at first but then I started singing and she was hiding behind a pole listening.  Tommy Mottola arrived and heard me and said I’m going to make you a star.  I had no idea who he was at the time.  I looked at him and said “really” (dripping with sarcasm).  That’s how it all started.

How did church folks respond to you singing secular music?
KP – Are you kidding me?  According to them I was probably going to hell faster for singing secular music then for being pregnant.  That’s amazing to me.  My observation of the scripture that says having a form of godliness but denying it’s power…it came to life for me.  It’s been so clear that if you keep the form of godliness in public people really don’t care how ragedy your life is behind closed doors.  As long as you don’t do anything that brings them to shame.  I don’t have a problem doing what I do because I am the same Kelly in secular venues as I am in church pulpits.  I speak Jesus at my R&B concerts.

How have you been received by the Gospel music industry?
KP – It’s been a mixed bag.  Everyone at first was overjoyed.  Some of that joy turned to dismissal when people realized that I was not willing to make the announcement that they wanted me to make.  That announcement was for me to say that I was wrong for all of the years that I sang R&B and that I had been converted and that I would never sing R&B again.  I refused to make that statement because I didn’t backslide to sing R&B.  Doing  the gospel album that I did and touring with gospel artists opened my eyes to a lot more than I even cared to know about people who sing gospel music.  We need to be careful about what we’re allowing our young people to listen to.  I say that because I’ve been on the road with a lot of these people and just because the genre is gospel doesn’t mean that the music itself is.  Just because people call themselves gospel singers, that’s just a title and doesn’t mean they’re living a sanctified life.  Check my life.  Chile Please!

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from Cross Rhythms UK – October 14, 2009

B David: The gospel worship artist who’s left the gay life behind

Tony Cummings reports on Atlanta-based worship leader B DAVID and his powerful testimony

Atlanta-based gospel worship artist B David recently had his national debut album released Stateside. It has gained considerable praise from the critics though it’s the singer’s dramatic testimony and how God’s love has delivered him from a gay lifestyle which has gained the most attention from the media.

Born in Jacksonville, North Carolina, B David had to show survival skills at a very early age. “My parents divorced when I was two years old,” explained B David. “Emotionally I don’t think my mom was in a position to take me, so I lived with my dad.” His father remarried within six months of the divorce and B David’s stepmother eventually became abusive, both physically and emotionally. As he told CCM Buzz, “I can remember mistreatment from when I was just six years old.” While the stepmother’s abuse continued, B David started encountering additional abuse from a cousin when he was about eight years old. Due to his parents’ work schedules, B David was dropped off at his uncle’s house after school where his cousin routinely groped him and coerced him into oral sex.

“I don’t remember a time when something didn’t happen between me and my cousin,” B David told Christianity Today magazine, recalling the harrowing scenes of sexual abuse that lasted for three years. “I remember thinking, Should I tell somebody? But I was afraid of what my parents might do to me, and I was also afraid of my cousin. I would say to myself, When I’m 15, I’m gonna run away. When I’m 14, I’m gonna run away. When I’m 13. . . I was plotting, [but] after awhile, I just got used to it.”

Eventually, B David got away from that situation and moved in with his mother. But with strings of boyfriends and an impending third marriage, the environment with his mother was only marginally more healthy. Rather than devise another plan to run away, B David discovered an alternative outlet for escape via his stepfather’s stash of pornographic tapes, exposing the impressionable teen to the powerful vices of lust. Before long, B David began experimenting sexually with other men. “I don’t recall when gay feelings started. I just know they were enhanced through the sexual abuse,” he said. “When you’re a child, those things are really traumatic. I didn’t understand the weight of it all. In a sense, I felt like maybe this is what I’m supposed to do.”

Somehow, in the middle of such volatility, music had entered B David’s life. “It was my stepmom who was the first person who introduced me to music, so our relationship was even more complicated, because she did some really good things for me along with the bad.” B David began singing in talent shows, participating in a church choir and other musical activities by the time he entered his teenage years. At the age of 15, B David met a cute girl at school who invited him to her church. “I was invited by this girl because I could sing,” he remembered. “Really at this point in my life I started a relationship with church, but not with God. I was still sleeping with guys and still entrenched in an alternative lifestyle, even though there was some interest in this female friend of mine. Then something happened. One night I went home after singing at church and I turned on the television. Reverend Jimmy Swaggart was on the screen and giving the call to Christ. I was overwhelmed with God’s love at that very moment so I dropped to my knees and offered my life to Jesus Christ.”

There is, of course, considerable irony that it was televangelist Swaggart who was instrumental in B David’s conversion as the preacher was later to become embroiled in a lurid sex scandal. But B David’s conversion was real enough. “I felt dramatically different,” he said. “I felt like something had broken and changed in my life.” B David doesn’t remember hearing from the pulpit that homosexuality was wrong. He just knew his heart was discerning that opinion. “I believe it was the Holy Spirit,” he said, thinking back to those first years as a Christian. And though B David admits his attraction to the same sex did not change, his behaviour did. “From the time I [accepted Christ] until I was about nineteen, I had a God-consciousness. I lived my life studying God’s Word and at church most of the time,” he remembered. “I knew [sex with men] was wrong. So I stood apart from it as much as I could.”

For the first two years of college, his spiritual awakening continued, his mind and schedule occupied with a plethora of ministry-oriented projects. But his internal conflict didn’t die, and during his junior year of college B David resumed having gay sex while employed as a worship leader at a local church. “I remember being with a person the night before, then coming to church and seeing people really being blessed, God really moving, and me feeling horrible.” Unable to continue in dualism, B David confessed his indiscretions to a close friend who encouraged him to talk openly about his struggles with his pastor. “I was like, No, no, no. I cannot do that.” But he did. And with the holiday season looming and his church workload increasing, his pastor offered the emotionally exhausted worship leader some much-needed time off.

“It was like, God I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want this in my life. So I fasted for 40 days. I was crying out to God, What’s the deal? I was desperate. At the end of the 40 days, my feelings hadn’t changed.” He was disappointed. And hungry. Weighing a frail 125 pounds, he made his way down to the dorm kitchen. And that’s when he noticed a change. “I saw this girl and she was so attractive to me,” he remembered. “I was like, Wow, what is this feeling? I had never been attracted to women at all. At that moment I knew something had altered and changed in my life – an attraction to women was developed somehow.”

Returning to his dorm room to ponder his dramatic shift in desires, he thought of his best friend Debbie, and almost immediately he knew, “She’s the one for me. It was the weirdest thing. I attribute it to God, because it just didn’t make sense.” Taking the trip to Atlanta to surprise her with the good news, Debbie didn’t reciprocate in kind. “She didn’t talk to me for eight months,” B David recalled. But “I fell in love with her. I kept believing, God, she’s definitely the one for me.” B David and Debbie were married in 2000.

B David began leading praise and worship at Koinonia Christian Centre in North Carolina. That’s where he met Bryan Crute of New Generation Campus Ministries and there was an instant spiritual connection. When Crute moved to Atlanta to plant a new church, B David knew that he was soon to follow after graduation. The church began with 30 people and today, Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church in Marietta, Georgia, has a congregation of 6,000 members. B David is now the worship team director and is also a member of the group Destiny Praise, which is part of the church’s record label. B David’s first recording was with Destiny Praise on the album ‘Driven’. B David also received some well deserved recognition when “Come Fill My Heart”, one of the songs he wrote for another project, was picked up by CeCe Winans. She recorded the song for her album ‘Throne Room’.

B David’s ‘Life Journal’ was released in June in the US. All but two of the 11 tracks on the album were written or co-written by B David. The songwriter/producer Travon Potts collaborated with B David on three songs for the new CD. “Travon knew my whole story and understood the message that I was trying to get out,” commented B David. The first single from the project, “Believe”, has an upbeat groove and a powerfully soulful vocal from the singer while “Dominate” encourages listeners to let God take control. B David said about his album, “”It’s very introspective. However, people will be able to see their own lives in this music. The main messages are forgiveness, release, hope, and freedom.”

Today B David lives in Atlanta with Debbie and their three children Madison (aged eight), Dylan-Nicole (five) and Jude (two). The worship leader has come to terms with the notoriety his testimony may bring him. He spoke abut the challenge when he first gave his testimony at Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church. “I remember thinking, I’m starting to tell my testimony. People are really going to know who I am and what I am dealing with. But I have to be willing to [share my testimony] because my heart is for people to be free. My heart is for people to get more of God.”

B David understands how unpopular his story may be in a society that more and more believes that any sexual preference is okay. But he also realises the way we feel often deters us from recognising what is foundationally true. “We can’t say, ‘God wanted me to be this way,’ because that’s not necessarily true,” he said. “We can’t blame it on him. When people come from the mindset, ‘There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing, and God loves me,’ I know what they’re trying to say. But sin is sin. Trust your relationship with the Holy Spirit. Are you in the Word? Are you really spending time with God? There are limits God has placed for us to abide by.”

Having heard the stories of other committed Christians with similar conflicts, B David realises he does not struggle alone. He believes he has a responsibility to encourage others through his own process of faith and healing, a process he admits will not be completed in this lifetime. “I think the world is saying, ‘You cannot change who you are.’ But God is the one who changes hearts. If I’m 80 years old and these feelings never go away, so be it. I have nothing to do with that. I just choose to believe God knows what he is talking about and he knows what he is doing.”

Tony Cummings is the music editor for Cross Rhythms website and attends Grace Church in Stoke-on-Trent.

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