Where are you from?
KP – Queens, New York.

Do you miss the city?
KP – Not terribly.  I miss the energy of the city.  I miss shopping.  I miss what I love most about New York.  It’s a great melting pot.

What was your childhood like?
KP – That’s a loaded question.  My childhood was rich spiritually.  And at times confusing because it was old school Pentecostal.  I had a lot of questions that were not being answered and could not be answered but I still asked them.  And when we were coming up children were supposed to be seen and not heard.  On the natural side it was challenging.  My parents split up when I was really young.  My mother was 22 years old raising three children alone in the ‘70’s.  My father died when I was nine years old.  My mother left my dad because he was a preacher in the church who left the church and backslid.

How did your dad backslide?
KP – There was alcoholism and drug abuse on my dad’s side of the family.  He was the only person in his family who was saved.  He had a real battle because he would go to church on Sunday and his entire family would stay home.  They didn’t do church.  He had an inner battle and it got to be too much for him.  He was a black man in the ‘70’s with a family to take care of and realized after the fact that he wasn’t really ready.  His dad died when he was really young and he had no male figures to really look up to.

What was the toughest time of your childhood?
KP – I remember being homeless and sleeping in my mother’s car when I was four years old.  I remember my mother would go to family members on my dad’s side and ask can my sisters and I stay with them.  Even if we could  sleep on the floor.  I remember them telling my mother there’s no room for us in the house and telling my mother she’ll be fine.  I remember my mother bundling us up in coats with tears in her eyes and taking us to sleep in the car.

How did that experience shape you as an adult?
KP – As an adult, I have to be honest and say that there’s not much that I’m afraid of.  But I work the way that I do because I have a bit of fear of homelessness.  I have to believe God to deliver me from that.  I have such a vivid memory of being homeless.  I remember I would not get my nails or hair done unless I had a show because I felt like it was money that did not need to be spent.  I’m talking about Kelly Price, “The Soul of a Woman” record.  I would have to give myself a reason to go to the mall and shop.  I don’t splurge shop.  I have too much in my closet to spend money on clothes.

How did you meet your husband?
KP – I met Jeffery when I was 13 years old at the state youth convention.  We were friends for years.  We would see each other during the conferences held throughout the years.  It was a different day.  When I saw him it was because we were in church somewhere.  He would come to wherever I was singing.  I always had a lot of guy friends and he was one of my really good guy friends.  It shifted when I turned 16 years old.  We talked to each other about things we couldn’t talk to other people about.  My family was homeless again when I was 16 years old and Jeffery’s mother was in the hospital with breast cancer.  Back then you had to have a physical address to be registered in school or the state would take you from your parents.  I had to keep it a secret.  Jeffery knew that mother and I were bouncing from house to house.

When did you know you were in love with Jeffery?
KP – I knew pretty quickly.  After being his friend for so long…my family bounced around for about five or six months with no place to live.  During that time his mother died from breast cancer.  Throughout her sickness and my homelessness we got closer and closer.

Tell me about getting pregnant at an early age.
KP – I look at my son and I do not regret my son.  I will never let some over religious, super pious, lying individual and I say LYING (all caps) make me feel guilty about my child.  I say that because it takes a lot of nerve for someone to act as if they’ve never sinned.  My grandfather is a COGIC bishop.  It was difficult.  I think I was more concerned about my grandparents being disappointed in me.  No one talked to me about sex.  My mother didn’t talk to me because no one talked to her about sex.  Much of what I learned I learned from school and television.

Did anyone in the church try to convince you to abort?
KP – No one tried to get me to abort.  But I was silenced and sat down.  It was desired that I get up and apologize before the congregation.  I have a girlfriend who’s father was her pastor and she got pregnant and she had to get up and apologize in front of the church.  I said absolutely not.  I sinned against God and not the church.  I bucked a lot of things growing up.  I got slapped in the mouth a lot.  If you couldn’t show me in the bible where I owed the church an apology then I wasn’t going along with it.  I owed God and my grandparents and my mother an apology.  I was involved in the music department.  I only did that because my grandfather said I had to.  As the preacher’s kid you did not have options.  But I had to sit down and not direct the choir any longer.

How did you get discovered as a singer?
KP – I had a dear friend name Darryl Douglas.  He was an incredible song writer and arranger.  He would use me to demo his songs.  One thing led to another.  There was another session singer who sang for Luther Vandross.  Her name is Cindy Mizelle.  When she was getting married, she asked Darryl to do all of the music for her wedding.  There were a lot of executives at her wedding.  At that time, George Michael came to New York to do an east coast tour.   He was looking for a great choir to back him up.  Cindy put in a call to Darryl who then called me and some others.  There were about 10 or 12 of us.  We showed up to Madison Square Garden and sang behind George Michael in January of 1992.  In February of 1992, Mariah Carey needed a choir for her Grammy performance and once again we got the call.  Long story short, Mariah was three hours late for rehearsal.  I just found out I was pregnant and I was sick as a dog.  We were on a break and I stayed around the rehearsal hall and started singing around the piano with my back to the door and Mariah Carey walked in and stood there and listened.  Someone told me Mariah was standing at the door listening and I shut up immediately and walked away from the piano.  I didn’t want anyone to believe that I was trying to be heard.  When the rehearsal was over I was preparing to leave, Mariah sent one of her background singers to me and he tried to get me to start singing again and I said no at first but then I started singing and she was hiding behind a pole listening.  Tommy Mottola arrived and heard me and said I’m going to make you a star.  I had no idea who he was at the time.  I looked at him and said “really” (dripping with sarcasm).  That’s how it all started.

How did church folks respond to you singing secular music?
KP – Are you kidding me?  According to them I was probably going to hell faster for singing secular music then for being pregnant.  That’s amazing to me.  My observation of the scripture that says having a form of godliness but denying it’s power…it came to life for me.  It’s been so clear that if you keep the form of godliness in public people really don’t care how ragedy your life is behind closed doors.  As long as you don’t do anything that brings them to shame.  I don’t have a problem doing what I do because I am the same Kelly in secular venues as I am in church pulpits.  I speak Jesus at my R&B concerts.

How have you been received by the Gospel music industry?
KP – It’s been a mixed bag.  Everyone at first was overjoyed.  Some of that joy turned to dismissal when people realized that I was not willing to make the announcement that they wanted me to make.  That announcement was for me to say that I was wrong for all of the years that I sang R&B and that I had been converted and that I would never sing R&B again.  I refused to make that statement because I didn’t backslide to sing R&B.  Doing  the gospel album that I did and touring with gospel artists opened my eyes to a lot more than I even cared to know about people who sing gospel music.  We need to be careful about what we’re allowing our young people to listen to.  I say that because I’ve been on the road with a lot of these people and just because the genre is gospel doesn’t mean that the music itself is.  Just because people call themselves gospel singers, that’s just a title and doesn’t mean they’re living a sanctified life.  Check my life.  Chile Please!

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A woman in Florida decided to hurry the “til death do us part” of her weddings vows.  Dalia Dippolito, 26 years old was married to her husband, Mike, for six whopping months before she decided,”Well this has been real, but I think I’ll go ahead and hire a hit man to end this marriage before the good times last too long!”

I’m a late night TV watcher.  I like to catch stories on CNN and MSNBC.  So I’m up late a few nights ago watching Nancy Grace and the story is about this woman Dalia.  Now the thing that makes this a hot mess is not only did she try to” off” her husband, but the entire thing is on tape!  Yes, video tape.  But what makes this story even more outrageous is Dalia didn’t realize the hit man she thought she hired was actually an undercover detective who got wind of her plot via the streets!

The hit man (undercover detective) agreed to go into the family home that Dalia shared with her husband and kill him and make it look like a robbery, while Dalia was conveniently at the gym.  The police then staged a crime scene, complete with yellow tape and plenty of onlookers and police officers.  When Dalia came home from her work out at the local gym here’s what happened next:

Someone should give that girl an Academy Award for that crying performance.  But my absolute favorite part is when the jig was up!  The police inform Dalia at the police station that she can cut the act now because the hit man she thought she hired was actually an undercover police officer and that she’s going to jail for the solicitation of first degree murder.  But Dalia stayed in character and refused to admit that she actually tried to have her husband of only six months killed.  My girl Dalia continued to deny deny deny!  Check out the video:

The officer interviewing Dalia was so annoyed with her that it made me laugh out loud for real when he told her she’s going to jail and she kept denying it.  I have been asking over and over again why do people behave this way?  What makes someone want to do something so foul?  The reports are that Dalia wanted to kill her husband so that she can have the townhome they shared all to herself.  Seriously, all of this for a townhome?  When the police officer revealed to her that her husband was actually alive and well, Dalia took her acting abilities to a new level, screaming “Mike, come here” as if she could just explain and this would all go away.  Chile Please!

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Respect Life Series:Self Respect Is Important

Control – According to the dictionary:

1.  To exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2.  To hold in check:  curb.

3.  To eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of.

4.  To check or regulate.
This past week, R&B/Hip Hop singer, Mary J. Blige was accused of smacking and or punching her husband  Kendu Isaacs at her album release party “Stronger With Each Tear”.  See viedo:

Though from the video it’s very difficult to see anything definitive in the way of a hit or a punch, however it’s clear there was some sort of dust up.  The fact is Mary and her husband Kendu have both professed Christ as their Lord and Savior.  What happened?  I guess we can all ask the same question to Bishop Thomas Weeks and Juanita Bynum.  These are two people who are supposed to be pillars in the faith.  So what happened?

I’ll tell you what happened, someone wanted more control over the other person than they felt they had.  Violence between adults  is usually a result of someone not getting their way and deciding to have a grown up tantrum’.  Why is it so hard for two adults to disagree without being disagreeable?  Sometimes it has to do with good old fashioned jealousy in a relationship.  See #3 under the definition for the word control.  When someone feels threatened by the success of their life partner, they sometimes act out in this manner.  In other words, how dare you flourish and spread your wings and fly while I’m still trying to figure it all out?

I’m not sure what happened at the album release party between Mary J. Blige and her husband, Kendu Isaacs, but I do know from experience that intimidating words or threats and even physical violence is all about control – either a lack of or a need to dominate the other person – see # 1 under the definition for Control.

R&B singer, Chris Brown is fighting to rebuild his image and career after his very public split from singer, Rihanna.  Chris Brown has seemingly accepted responsibility for his role in why Rihanna’s face went from easy breezy Cover Girl to this:

If we are really loving each other the way that the word of God teaches us then why are we behaving like heathens and beating each other up?  I’ll tell you why!  Because I personally don’t believe most of us take the word of God as seriously as we claim.  We have become so conditioned to simply justify our behavior or to excuse the behavior of others who act in such a violent way.  I have read so many mean spirited charges at Rhianna because she was beat up by Chris Brown.  Most of the things I’ve read or heard have come from other women claiming Rihanna is just trying to pump her new CD and capitalize off of being beat up.  Really people?  Have you ever been hit by a man with an open hand or a closed fist?  Do you truly understand what that does to your mental and emotional stability?  I doubt it or you wouldn’t spout such foolishness.

Have you ever had your wife smack you and threaten to kill you because you had the nerve to disagree with her?  That does a number on the trust factor in a relationship.  Chile Please!  If we can all learn to first maintain our own self control we wouldn’t feel the need to try and control the actions or even thoughts of others.  Grow up people and understand that it’s okay if someone doesn’t see things your way all of the time.  Chile Please!

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“A gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Proverbs 11:13

I’m going to jump right into it.  Oh but first I hope that you all had a very wonderful Thanksgiving.  I hope that you ate well.  I know I did.  Since my family lives three thousand miles away and I have no known relatives here in Southern Cali, I invited all of the other “no relative having folks” over to my house for Thanksgiving.  A good time was had by all.

Didn’t I say I was going to jump right into it?  That’s the problem with folks who are long winded.  We write like we talk.  Okay folks…here goes.  Tiger Woods!  What the flu flam happened?  I click on my television to ESPN (yes I’m a sports fanatic) and I’ll be doggone!  At first I was really worried that Tiger Woods had been in an accident with another vehicle and that he was seriously injured.

But for me everything changed when the report on SportsCenter said that his wife, Elin heard the crash and came out of the house…er…mansion with a golf club and smashed out the windows.  CHILE PLEASE!  Who comes running out of a mansion wheeling a golf club unless you were already in hot pursuit of someone?

Before I go any further, I just want to say that I am a Tiger Woods fan.  I root for him every chance I get.  And yes I got into watching golf because of Tiger Woods.  I’m not even ashamed to admit that.  I remained a fan even when I realized I had no shot of marrying him and that Elin would. (lol)  With all of that said, Elin I believe got in touch with some of Tiger’s ur…relatives on his daddy’s side.  You know his aunties who schooled her and said Elin girl, don’t take no mess from him just because he’s rich and famous.

So here’s a theory of what happened that night.  Tiger Woods walked into their master bedroom to find his wife, Elin going through his cell phone, reading text messages.  Tiger asks her what is she doing.  Elin asks him what has he been up to.  Elin is already holding the golf club and is piping mad.  And you know it’s a golf club custom made out of some titanium or something.  When Tiger realizes the jig is up and he’s busted, he runs out of the house barefoot with Elin in hot pursuit.
Tiger is trying to escape to his Caddy when he catches a side swipe from that titanium golf club Elin is wielding (thus causing him to be woozy).  Tiger stumbles but manages to stay on his feet.  He gets into his Caddy when the back window suddenly smashes.  Tiger hits the fire hydrant and jerks the car into drive but he sees Elin coming for his driver side window when he crashes into the tree.

Sounds like a hot scoop huh?  Not so much!  Chile Please.  Here’s the bottom line.  Tiger Woods had a minor car accident on his own property.  That’s the end of the story.  I’ve had bigger accidents just trying to get dressed in the morning.  People please stop it already!  Here’s the bigger question:  Why do we need/want to know so badly his personal business?  Will it feed you this week?  Will it get your kid an A on their Algebra test?  I think not!  Besides, Al Greens wife throwing a pot of hot grits on him a million years ago was of more interest because after that Al Green was back in gospel!   Chile Please!

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This is the sixth article in a series about adultery

Friday…. Friday…. Friday….Ok you know its Friday and I know its Friday…but what does that have to do with a hill of beans.  Now, that is a saying from way back.  Not today.  I am not even sure my children have heard that one.  How high is a hill of beans anyway?  Is it the same height as a regular ‘ole dirt hill?  Is there even such thing as a hill of beans?  Where can I visit one?  Do the beans slide and one never reaches the top when one is trying to climb it?

You know, if more people would ask details and everlasting questions (on and on and on and on), then people would not get so hung up in the wrong predicaments.  What type of predicaments am I talking about?  Well the sexual kind of course because its Friday night…just got paid…party huntin’…place is right…ok so for all of you lyric purist I mixed up the lyrics but you get the point…It’s Friday and people get into trouble come the weekend.  All kind of sexual entanglements happen on the weekend.  There are no going to school, work, or major commitments for most.  So, they live up their sexual fantasies on the weekends.

God is pretty straight forward about how He wants us to approach sex.  He wants us to reserve it for marriage.  Now, many people are fine with that.  But, they also have sex with others besides their spouse.  They say because they are married its ok to have sex.  Unfortunately for them, God wants us to have sex with our spouses only.  God doesn’t want us to allow sex to drive us to places that He has not ordained for us.  Sexual entanglements will mess us up big time.  And, in many cases, sexual affairs (entanglements) cause death.

God gives us many examples in the bible.  David and Bathsheba are one.  David was supposed to be out at war.  David was supposed to be fighting with his trusted men including Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah.  David was supposed to be doing what God called him to do.  But, David, a man after God own heart, tarried and remained in Israel instead of going to war with his troops.  And, David arose one evening from his bed and walked his roof top.

Now, evening is when people would wash themselves after being with others.  Rooftops were secluded places that people thought no one would see them.  So, baths were on rooftops.  And, of course, Bathsheba was bathing this very evening.  And, David thought to himself, she is one fine and beautiful and voluptuous, and sexy lady and I got to try that.

Of course, David being king got with that and now she is pregnant.  Enter in her husband who David sent for from the war.  Uriah wouldn’t sleep with his wife even after David nearly tried to force him.  Uriah was loyal to what God told him to do.  Uriah rushes back to war and David sends the man’s death sentence unknowingly to Uriah with him.   Uriah is killed because David commands it and David becomes Bathsheba’s husband.  God tells David that he sinned. David repents.  But, a death still must occur, their child is born and becomes ill and dies.  David comforts Bathsheba and they have Solomon after David re-orders himself with God.

Samson and Delilah is another one of the biblical stories of sexual entanglement ending in death.  Delilah was a harlot.  Samson was using her to satisfy his sexual fix.  He is seeing her so much that she believes he loves her.  So, she starts to ask all kinds of questions.  She decides to ask questions that others have posed to her.  When Samson eludes her questions, she tells him that he doesn’t love her.

She keeps nagging Samson about his love, his strength and their relationship.  Samson gets so tired of the tirade that he finally gives in and tells her his innermost secret.  This secret allows the Philistines to destroy Samson who was their most wanted enemy.  As they are celebrating to their god about Samson’s capture, they ask Samson to perform.  Unbeknownst to them, Samson’s hair has started to grow back.  Samson destroys them and also asks God to allow him to die along with them.  God came back to Samson once he re-orders himself with God.

Eli’s sons decided to have multiple sexual partners with as many women as possible, especially the ones who lay at the tabernacle doors.  See, Eli’s sons were supposed to be the next priest of God’s people.  But, they wanted their sexual appetites satisfied instead of God’s work done. So, God destroyed them and no ancestor of Eli is upon this earth today.

These different sexual entanglements represent the ways we get involved with others. David and Bathsheba is the one night stand.  David would have left Uriah and Bathsheba alone if she hadn’t gotten pregnant.  How many people are up that creek?  And, Samson and Delilah is that all entangled affair.  She was so sexual good to him that he kept going back.  She enticed him and destroyed his relationship with God all at the same time.  And, Eli’s sons were just addicted to sex.  They couldn’t get enough of it and did not care with whom or how.

God doesn’t want any of this for us.  He wants us to live victoriously not in defeat of our sexual appetites and fulfillments.  He wants us to stop and ask the questions and keep asking them until we hear His true answer.  Stop.  Stop, my children.  Honor Me by holding true to my command to engage in sex in marriage with your spouse.  Stop allowing the world to destroy you and set you apart from Me.  But, know this beloved that if you fall, I will pick you up and set you right…all you have to do is ask with repentance like David.

It’s interesting that David and Bathsheba’s story did not end with the death of the adulterous child.  They go on to have Solomon who was Jedidiah, beloved of the Lord.  God loved and cherished their son in righteousness.  He blessed their union and blessed all of the people of the earth through their seed.  So, never think that your shortcomings involving sexual entanglements will destroy you.  Look up, child of God, and allow God to right you.

So, its that time…time for me to begin enjoying my weekend.  Of course, I will be asking question after question to make sure that I am on God’s path and not my own.  So off I go into the weekend.  And, all I have to say to that is “THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!”

Check out the entire adultery series on Elev8.com

His Needs,  Her Needs, My Needs Need To Be Met

How Does Adultery Begin?

Adultery Is Easy, Especially When You’re Busy

Shopping And Your Job Is Adultery Too!

Everyone Commits Adultery

Since writing the “What If The Sex Is Bad? Does A Christian Have Options” I have seen all kinds of responses, most of which were just laughable, but there were a few that accurately criticized me for not really answering the question which I posed in the title. And that was very intentional, let me be clear. I wanted you to think about the concept and put your own feedback and thoughts into it. Clearly that didn’t happen quite like I anticipated. I got more, “just test drive the car before you buy it” than I did any real suggestions.

Let me answer the question. What if the sex is bad?

So what if it’s bad? I’m sure it’s not enjoyable to be having sex that doesn’t measure up to the standards of your previous relationships, but you didn’t get married just to have sex did you? Hopefully not.

Oh, that’s harsh, you can’t say that. It’s not that easy. Isn’t it?

For a Christian, divorce is never — I repeat, never — an option. Bad sex, horrendous sex, no sex, divorce is not an option. Don’t forget the vows you make on your wedding day. You know, the ones… For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. I’m sure this falls under the “for worse” section.

Marriage isn’t easy. It doesn’t just fall into place when you say, “I do.” You have to work at it. Why would the sexual aspect be any different?

One of the main problem lies in that we treat married sex and single sex as the same thing. What I mean is this: God only created one type of sex — married sex. Sex was created to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage so when we decided to take it outside of that plan we had to lie and create excuses for our actions. A blogger friend, David Patrick, brings some more clarity to this concept on his blog:

One of the primary reasons why people who participated in “single sex” have problems within marriage is because they are trying to bring the attitude of single sex expression into a covenant relationship and it potentially proves to be a letdown. Single sexual expression is a synthetic counterfeit imitation of married sex and it causes the God’s original intention to be looked at with disdain. I’ve heard the analogy used that single sex is like living your whole life eating potato chips and then get introduced to vegetables and thinking that you’ve chosen something wrong.

The reason for the letdown is because single sexual expression has elements of danger, deception, fear, risk, lying, deceit, premeditation, planning, seducing, breaking covenant and making covenant with those who don’t even care for you and those elements create an emotional rush that is not found in marriage. When you are single and chasing sex your whole attitude is, “will it happen, is it available, are they going to give it up?” [but] in marriage, “it’s available.”

What [we] fail to understand is that… single sex it is about preserving self and pleasing self, not being totally yourself, hiding something for fear of rejection, and not giving your all because you’re not sure if that person will be there later. Marriage covenants are the exact opposite because it is completely about vulnerability and full exposure of self to your spouse – holding none of yourself back from them. So when we were out participating as single people in single sex, in our minds, these elements that cause the emotional rush was joined with supposing to be apart of sex. [I]n married sex because there is no element of risk or deception involved, there is no emotional rush that you were used to and therefore you have a problem getting aroused and excited, and therefore [it may] feel like it’s a letdown.

This is probably how some adulterous affairs get started. People get “bored” in their sex life in marriage and introduce all of those “single sexual expression” elements back and think that this is how it’s supposed to feel.

At the end of the day, a marriage is built on more than sex. While sexual relations are an important, and God ordained part of a marriage, there is so much more involved. Just as with every other aspect of the relationship, sex takes work and compromise. There are plenty of Christian counselors that deal with this issue specifically. Make it work because, well, you’re in it for life. You have no other choice.

[For more from Stuart McDonald, check out his personal blog and follow him on Twitter]

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As you’ve probably guessed from the title, I’m going to talk about sex. More specifically, I’m going to talk about Christians having sex. Yes, Christians talk about sex and their having it and their not having it. We talk about it because it’s an issue we, along with most everyone else, face. If you’re not interested in sex in any way, shape, or form, or interested in hearing or talking about it, you’ll want to leave now.

Well, since you’re still here…

Single, unmarried Christians should not be having sex. For any reason. Period. There are no exceptions.

Any time Christians make mention of being engaged or newly married, there’s often an underlying tone of excitement about finally being able to have sex after (hopefully) abstaining from it for so long. With the excitement comes inherent, underlying expectations about what the sex will be like. Now obviously, as Christians, we shouldn’t be “test driving car ”before we “buy it,” but if we can’t drive it beforehand, how do we know how well it works? What if there are kinks in it? Or things that don’t suit our preferences?

In other words: How can we know what the sex will be like before we get married? How do we know if they’ll be able to satisfy us?

Really, we can’t live by God’s plan and know ahead of time what to expect from the sexual aspect of marriage.

Let us consider this: if we enter marriage as virgins, as God intended, we’d have nothing — good or bad — to compare our sexual experiences to. However, the reality is that most Christians aren’t virgins; they’ve had sex before. Perhaps it was when they were saved, perhaps when they weren’t — that’s not important — the fact is that those types of memories are hard to forget. Especially because they’re pleasurable and plentiful.

So what happens if, when we get married and consummate the relationship with intercourse, the sex doesn’t measure up as we’d hoped? What if we have memories of more skilled sexual partners that we’re constantly comparing our spouse to? What do you do if you get married to someone you love with all your heart, someone you’re convinced is the person God has ordained for you, and the sex is horrible? Can they be taught to be better or is it just what it is and there’s no changing them? Does divorce, which should never be an option for Christians, become an option?

I don’t know; I don’t have the answer here. But I do know this: we’ve obviously strayed (very far) from the idea of holding onto our virginity until marriage, and as with all sin, fornication has consequences that must be dealt with; this is one of those consequences.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Are you willing to divorce someone because they’re bad in bed? While I’m sure people have divorced for lesser offenses, we, as Christians, must hold ourselves to a higher standard (although the Christian divorce rate says we’ve failed in this area). You could rationalize this and say it’s a deeper issue than that but it’s really not; does sex make or break a marriage?

[For more from Stuart McDonald, check out his personal blog and follow him on Twitter]

Related Posts

Girlfriend Or Friend With Benefits: Who’s Better Off?

Friends Vs. Girlfriends — As Men See It

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How Does Adultery Begin?

Everyone Commits Adultery!

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”

I have often been privy to conversations in which the relevance of marriage is questioned. Opponents often refer to it as outdated and useless, designed to keep women subjugated and men in a position  of dominance within the culture. As a young feminist, I once agreed with this assessment, and had vowed at one point in my life never to marry. When I found myself at the altar (by choice), still desperately clinging to my “independence,” I refused to take my husband’s last name. And so, for the first year of my marriage I was Sheeri Caldwell. As I began to learn about and understand the principles of biblical submission, however, a better, more accurate picture of marriage began to form in my mind.

Like many young women in my generation, I did not grow up under parents who cultivated a healthy marriage. My home life for the first 10 years of my life was hellish.  My parents fought constantly. The home they made together was a battlefield full of landmines. Arguments could erupt without notice (and it seemed to me without provocation).  My father would leave sometimes for days at a time, often taking the family car, leaving my mother and myself dependent upon neighbors, friends, and often dangerous public transportation to get to and fro. Each of my parents was capable of stringing together the most degrading insults, designed to gut the other person. They often found their mark. Although no one ever threw a physical blow, my parents’ determination to verbally and emotionally wound one another left many scars – mostly on me. Figuring that all marriages end in bitterness and/or divorce (my parents separated for the last time when I was 10 years old), I made an unholy vow at a tender age that I would never marry.

Armed with my philosophy that all men were dishonest, unfaithful idiots, who lived only for self, I went off to college to learn how to become a functioning member of society.  Liberal feminism was a natural fit for me. It reinforced what I already believed, and taught me a new and more politically correct means to articulate that men are (in fact) idiots (a philosophy to which I no longer subscribe – I now know that men and women share that position equally).  Given my disposition toward them, one would wonder why it was that I held any interest in men at all. But since I am and have been delightedly heterosexual, lesbianism was never an option nor a desire – even before I committed my sexuality to God.

I dated a fair number of young men while single. Although I appreciated some of the characteristics rough necks possess, I preferred young professionals who came from humble beginnings, but who were ambitious achievers. Although the young men I associated with were bright, well-educated, with a modicum of charm and civility, in my heart they were just ornaments to me. I always knew I would earn my own way. I would be in control. I would be a success, and my man, whoever he happened to be, could come along. I neither understood nor desired unity. I did not want to build with anyone nor join anyone who was building. I just wanted to be in charge of my own life and no man would get in my way. The problem with clinging to an attitude like this one, is that any man who would accept me with such a disposition was automatically one I could not respect.

No woman in her right mind desires a man she can “run.” If you can “run” him then guess what? He’s not a man. I had bought into the hype that women and men were the same – that a real woman did not need a man – that men were dependents at worst and attractive ornaments at best and overall unnecessary except as sperm donors for those of us who wanted to make babies. At the time I held this ideology, I didn’t know it, but I did desire a real man. I wanted a man who was powerful, but who would never use his power to harm me. I wanted a man who was masculine, but who wasn’t emotionally constipated. I wanted a man with ambition and purpose, but who valued those things that money can’t buy. I wanted a man who had integrity, was honest, and honorable, but who wasn’t too rigid to enjoy life. The problem was that I believed such a man to be a myth, and so decided that I would tolerate men for their companionship (because I do enjoy the company of men), but that I would never entrust myself one.

As I began to study the bible more and more, a silhouette of manhood began to take shape.  I saw in the person of Christ all of the characteristics that I valued not only in a man, but in a friend, in a parent, in a teacher, in a brother. I saw the perfect person. I began to see that people who were truly committed to Christ (not the ones who were faking it), really tried to think as Jesus thought and behave as he did. The people I met who were committed to following the teachings of Christ possessed a unique world view that both challenged and intrigued me. As I studied the person of and the teachings of Christ more, I saw for myself that the Jesus of the bible is an amazing man! I began to see that God designed humanity to be conduits of his love, and that we were to love one another as he loved us – not selfishly but sacrificially.

It is a simple truth, “we love because he first loved us,” one that I have sung since childhood. But one that I did not come to appreciate until I touched upon the depth of God’s love for me.

When I met Mykel Mitchell, I was a hot mess. I was hostile, opinionated, strong-willed to the point of self-destruction, and smug. My behavior and attitude had set me up for failure in my romantic relationships. I had been deeply wounded and was terribly mistrustful and (dare I admit it?) bitter. I won’t bore you with the details of how God massaged my hard heart to the point of tears of pain and then to tears of joy, but suffice it to say that he used the loving, patient, kind, but firm demeanor of my husband to do it. I often ask Mykel what it was that drew him to me – he’s got a list – but he always reminds me that he saw – me.  He saw who I really was – not the persona I had adopted. And he pursued me because he recognized my identity and value.

There was much that I had to learn about myself in the first years of marriage to Mykel.  Never having been one who “played well with others,” learning to live with another person and share so much of my space, time and self was really foreign to me.  In fact, I am still learning how to do that. But the amazing thing to me was that just as I would come to the realization that I needed a mate who had a certain characteristic, I would discover that the man God had hand-picked for me possessed that very same character trait. As Mykel tenderly loved me, a change began to take place in my heart.  The hardness began to flake away and a tenderness began to take over. I didn’t have so much to prove any more, so I could lay down my arms and my pervasive need to be right. As I realized I could trust Mykel to respect me and to honor me, I so wanted to be the wife he deserved – a wife worthy of such a noble man.

I say it often, but it bears repeating, my husband loved me beautiful. I began to respond to him as a sunflower does to the sun – not in a worshipful way, but in appreciation. I wanted to please him. I wanted to become preoccupied with making him happy, in supporting him, in impacting his life in a meaningful, positive way – just as he was committed to doing for me. And so that has been my mission. What a beautiful exchange it is. Don’t get me wrong, I am still selfish and terribly flawed, so I fail often. But I never give up. Mykel is worth it. The Lord is certainly worth it.

Once married, I understood the type of intimacy God wants with us. I understood from experience why he uses the metaphor of marriage to describe his relationship to us. I understand why he calls himself a jealous God. I understand how he “aches” (for lack of a better word) to be in relationship with us, for us to be as preoccupied with him as he is with us. I understand how he continually gives good gifts over and over to woo us to himself and how it breaks his heart when we reject him. I get it. Just like with Mykel, the more I appreciate God’s personal, intimate love for me, the more I desire to please him – not out of a sense of duty, but out of joyful gratitude. There is nothing I hold back from my Father in heaven. Have you ever been so grateful to someone for something (s)he  has done for you that you just want to show that person – demonstrate to that person – your appreciation by offering your best? I have. I am grateful to my husband for loving me as he does. But I am supremely grateful to the God who fashioned me for him, presented us to each other at exactly the right time, united us, and keeps us united.

I began this article by stating how opponents of marriage view the institution. And while there are many social, familial, and health benefits for creating and maintaining a healthy marriage (which I plan to explore at a later date), the biggest benefits of all are that in a God-ordained marriage, done God’s way, you have the best opportunity to discover your own humanity and to experience the nature of your Creator.

God taught me how to love by loving me through Mykel Mitchell. So I now know that true love flows in only one direction – outward to others. Armed with this knowledge, I purpose to become as pure a vessel as possible for that love to flow through me.

Be blessed Family!

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A Letter To All The Emotionally Constipated Men

Hello Friday…Hello Friday Morning… Hello Friday Evening…Hey y’all its Friday.  And, it’s a wonderful Friday, it is.  As you know, Fridays are the start of my kick back weekends (ok if you believe my weekends are totally kick back then you don’t have kids).  But anyway, the beginning of my kick back weekends begins today!  Yea! As I reflect on the weekend that has happened, I look at all of the things that I have done and the people I have met.  I am pretty satisfied with the things that I have accomplished and the way I have presented myself with the people I have interacted.

But, that gets me to thinking.  Is God satisfied with the way I acted and the things I have done?

See, I serve God totally, completely, every minute of every day.  This makes it important to me to make sure that I am doing the things in my life the way God wants me.  Now, see here, just because I am totally in it for God to get the glory, this does not mean that I totally get it right. People make me mad so I therefore act unholy or ungodly to them.  And, when God calls me out on that I ask for forgiveness and repent.  Then there is something else that I did not do according to God’s standards.

Of course, the process repeats itself.  But know this, I am not afraid of the process because God says in His word that I will fail but He will love me anyway.  And, that I am forever His.  I carry these truths with me wherever I go. But, where did I go this last week?  WHERE DID I GO THIS WEEK?  Ok, that is in capital letters because I don’t mean go as in went as in physical places.  But, I mean go as in what entered my spirit – became a part of who I am today.  Many people interact with people and don’t evaluate the experience they have had.  Does God approve the interaction with that person?

Did you know that adulterous, sexual, love affairs begin because people ignore this innate truth – God is interested in where we went?  Ok, let me break this down.  A meet me at the Ritz affair does not begin at the Ritz.  I love the movie “Regarding Henry.”  People were giving him ritz crackers after his shooting.  But, he was talking about his meeting place with his lover.  Ok, I digress let’s back up. Affairs have three stages.  The first stage is the conversation stage.  The conversation stage is when you are just talking to someone.  “Hi, how are you doing?”  “Is Janney in the office?”  “Did you finish that project?”

There is nothing wrong with conversing with people, even of the opposite sex.  BUT, there is a problem when you begin to have intimate discussions with this person. Intimate discussion includes things that reveal who you are, what you are really thinking deep down inside, where you want to go with your future, how your marriage really works.  Those discussions are best between a husband and wife.  No one should know you intimately but your spouse.  Save yourself from the next stage, keep those discussions for your spouse.

The next stage is the friendship stage.  Once you start giving up intimate information about yourself, now you have established that person as a friend.  A friend becomes emotionally wrapped in you life.  Sometimes you don’t realize that you have jumped from the conversation to the friendship stage.  BUT, you know you have when you are inviting the person to lunch.  You want to experience things like the movies, amusement parks, walks on the boardwalk with this person.  You begin to seek out this person for conversation or good company.  You genuinely like this person.

Now, if you have fallen into this stage, don’t be alarmed.  BUT, stop it now.  Back-pedal, it’s ok to back-pedal.  Cut this person from your spirit.  Yea, I do mean your spirit.  See the friendship stage is when the person becomes an imprint onto your spirit.  You are thinking about this person waaaay too much.  So, cut it clean now – start being unavailable for lunch.  Stop looking for that person to have a conversation.  Stop constantly thinking about that person.  Give that person over to God and stay far away.  And, yes, if you must do it cruelly, then so be it.  Nothing is more important than honoring God by honoring your spouse.

Now, the final stage is the sexual stage.  This is the one everyone associates with adultery.  This is two people rolling around in the sheets stage.  This is the big one.  The having sex with someone other than my spouse stage.  I will not talk about what constitutes sex here.  But, give me some leeway – it’s sex and all that sex encompasses is what I mean.  So, sex is the final stage. The sexual stage can not be reached without proceeding through the other two stages.  An affair has an arch.  The arch includes the conversation, friendship, and sexual stages.  When one who looks at the beginning of the sexual part of their affair, they will notice that they cleared the hurdles of the first two stages.  If you happen to find yourself in this stage, get out now!!!  Find a good Christian marriage counselor and let God heal your marriage.  He can and He wants to do it for your and especially for His reputation.  Enough said there. So, it’s time for me to reflect.  Did I please you Lord this week?  Did I entangle my spirit?  And, please forgive me for and save me from where I did.  Now, of course it is time for me to try these stages out on my spouse.  Here I come honey.    And, all I have to say to that is “THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!”

Related Articles:

Adultery Is Easy, Especially When You Are Busy

Shopping and Your Job Is Adultery

Everyone Commits Adultery

Marriage Is Unfair!

OPINION: Why I Regret My Divorce

This is the third article in a series about adultery.

Ok…what day is it?  Friday Night…It’s time to partay…What time is it?  Friday Night…It’s time to partay… Ok now you realize that I am singing this crazy song in my head.  It might have no rhythm that you know but I am very excited that it is Friday!!!  Another Friday, another week has gone by.  And guess what?  This was a great week.  So, now it’s time to partay!

How do you party?  Some people party one day a week.  Others party several days a week.  And, then there are some who party 7 days 24 hours a day.  Whew!  I don’t know how they do it.  But, they do.

All of us at times have been the life of the party.  We are so busy that we don’t know if we are coming or going.  We are caught asking ourselves did I buy the bread that we need.  I remember going to the store.  But, did I buy everything on my list.  Then we remember, oh wait a minute.  I went to the store last week when we were out of milk but not this week when we need bread.  So, off we go to the store to get bread.  Then our cell phone rings to remind us that we have choir rehearsal tonight.  Now, don’t forget that ministry leaders’ meeting is tomorrow.  And, when we put all of that on our calendar, we see that usher board meeting is three days away.  With all of that going on, how do we connect with our spouses?  Let alone how do we connect with God?

Well, we don’t really.  When we are so busy that we forget whether or not we picked up a loaf of bread, we are too busy to spend intimate time with God or our spouses.  And, when we are too busy to spend intimate time with God or our spouses, we are committing adultery.  Yep, you got that right adultery.  As you know, adultery is committed when anything keeps you from fulfilling God’s purpose for marriage.

It’s all well and good to serve God in the church.  But, if you are not first serving God by serving your spouse, you are out of order – you are committing adultery.  In Ephesians 5:22 – 33, God outlines the way a husband and wife are to serve God by serving our spouses.  God does not tell us in His word to forget about our spouses and lay them aside for worldly riches.  In fact, in Matthew 6:24, God tells us that “no one can serve two masters. The person will hate one master and love the other, or will follow one master and refuse to follow the other. You cannot serve both God and worldly riches.”

God wants us to spend intimate time with our spouses.  This is how we continue to learn, grow in, and cultivate our relationship.  Our marriages are like gardens that need weeding, watering, fertilizing, and care.  We are responsible for participating in the care of our marriages.  God will ensure that we have all we need to ensure a Godly marriage.

What about those people who aren’t too busy?  The ones who don’t really fill up their plates with stuff, what about them?  Or, maybe they are busy but they are busy to hide from the responsibilities of marriage.   Yes.  There are some of us who don’t want to participate in our marriages.  We don’t care if our spouse rises in the early morn or come home in the evening.  We are just apathetic spouses.  In the Merriam Webster dictionary, apathetic means to be having or showing little or no feeling or emotion, basically spiritless.  A second definition is having little or no interest or concern or being indifferent.  Being apathetic in your marriage means you have no passion.

Wow, having no passion.  Why would one move away from passion?  God created marriage to share in His gift of the rich emotion of passion.  A marriage must have a little passion to survive.  Passion is to have a deep interest or desire for something.  Passion is what gets us tumbling around on the bed with our spouse.  Passion is what keeps us up at all hours of the day and night enjoying our spouse.  Passion is the intense feeling we get when we see our spouse coming through the door.  Passion is the sexual desire that we have for our spouse.  God did not create marriage to have no passion.

So, how does one conquer being an adulterer by busyness and spiritless in a marriage?  If you are too busy to enjoy your marriage, you must first hand over your schedule to God and take back only those things that God give you.  And, the first thing He will give you is your spouse.  So, make your spouse a priority and get back to basics (more on that in a moment).

And, if you are that person who is apathetic, get back to basics by remembering the reason you fell head over heels in love with your spouse.  Stay there.  Mediate on the person who caught your eye and heart.  Spend a long time right there.  Then, while you have that goofy in love grin on your face remember time changes over time.  Tomorrow will not be the same as today.  So, step back into your marriage with yesterday’s beautiful memories on the tip of your spirit.

When you begin to commit adultery again with busyness and apathy, repeat the back to basics philosophy again.  Don’t be afraid when you end up in adultery.  Everyone does but God always gives us a way out – back to basics.

Now, with all of this back to basics talk, I am starting to remember.  So, I must surely go and find my spouse and expound on the back to basics philosophy.  Therefore, here I go again and believe me I love to go again into the arms of the man I love.  And, you know what?  All I can say to that is “THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!”

Visit Sharnell on blackplanet.com

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