Creating Boundaries To Protect Your Peace
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When you think of the need to set boundaries, what comes to mind? An awkward moment with a coworker? An upsetting interaction with your parents? An annoyance from your spouse, child, or even your pet? How about being overwhelmed from jam packing your schedule – again? Or disappointment from not following through on a promise you made yourself?
Now ask, “Why haven’t I set boundaries to prevent this?”
Whether you didn’t realize it was an option, were afraid to implement it, or just weren’t sure how to, know that boundaries are integral to keeping peace.
Therapist and New York Times best-selling author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “The root of self-care is setting boundaries.” Boundaries are not just useful for repelling drama but for establishing feelings of safety, love, and respect.
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How To Know If You Need Boundaries
In the beginning, setting boundaries can feel like an overreaction. You are changing the narrative around what was once accepted, and that can take getting used to. Whether yourself or another party are questioning the decision, remember to never feel guilty for doing what is best for you. But, to be sure a boundary is healthy, not petty, here are three factors to identify.
1. First, you’re avoiding contact. “Avoidance is the attempt to minimize and avert perceived threat, danger, or anxiety,” says Michael G. Wetter, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, California. It can manifest as procrastination, disconnection, fantasizing, or obsession. Keeping your distance can be a boundary in itself. However, if you’re constantly avoiding a person, place, or thing it’s time to explore why. Having a definitive answer will help you set boundaries to feel more comfortable.
2. Secondly, is feeling overwhelmed. Mounting stress often shows up as moodiness, crying easily, guilt, irritability, or withdrawal. Physically, it’s not uncommon to experience a racing heart, shortness of breath, aches, dizziness, and even an impaired immune system. Creating boundaries to prevent this can include restricting outings to a certain amount per week. Also, having a deadline for requests to relieve pressure to say yes.
3. Feelings of resentment is the third sign to know it’s time for a change. Resentment comes when you feel violated, unappreciated, or an attempt to do good backfires. It is often unvoiced anger. Being petty or short tempered are signs you may be feeling resentful. Knowing your limits, setting clear expectations or standards, and enforcing them, are great ways to create boundaries to prevent resentment.
Know Your Why
Within all these factors is the reminder to know your why. Boundaries aren’t frivolous blockades to keep people out. Creating boundaries is meant to help you maintain healthy relationships. You don’t have to publicize your “why” behind certain rules but you must be clear on the reason to avoid them being broken.
Again, when you’re clear on your intentions behind a boundary you are more likely to keep it. Kept boundaries bring greater self-esteem, clarity, calm, and feelings of safety. It also gives you a chance to develop trust with yourself. – Just like in relationships with others, respecting yourself makes you credible. – Best of all, boundaries bring peace.
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